I don’t know if it’s a lie or only a denial, but I’m not as good as I think I am. I question my skills all the time. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I keep putting off things. For example, since 2018, I’ve thought about becoming an entrepreneur. I went to a course about it too. I wanted to become many things, but I constantly changed my mind. I kept telling myself I was good at something, but then I didn’t get the response I wished for from others. I thought I was only an average photographer, writer or anything creative. I thought I couldn’t make it professionally. Maybe I’m lying to myself that I could. I’m worried people will see through me, but they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. The truth about that I should choose a profession other than something creative. My photos and designs are plain, and no one would want to pay me because they might make them for free elsewhere. That kind of doubt is often in my head.
Sometimes I wonder if people understand what I’m writing about. Am I the writer that I think I am? It’s not like I’m writing a novel here. I’ve got good feedback about my fiction, and people like my blog posts. But my writing is a hobby. I don’t get paid for it. Writing is the only thing I feel comfortable about. I know I’m good at it. I won’t lie or deny it. It’s other things that I think I’m lying to myself about. There will always be someone who is a better photographer than me. The same goes for graphic design and other creative things. I don’t like the “not being good enough to get paid for”- feeling. I have never wanted an ordinary job where you go at 8 or 9 am and then home at 4 or 5 pm. I can’t sit still and do something boring all day. I need change, and that’s what creative work is. But I can’t get hired because I have no job experience in the field. It’s challenging to get any of that.
As an introvert, it’s hard for me to know what my strengths are. I lie, or I’m in denial that I’m versatile, but am I truly so? Is that even a strength? A killer can be versatile by killing different kinds of people. I like doing different things, and I guess I’m doing OK with them. I wish I was more confident about my skills and not always doubting them. Being honest with yourself is easier than lying. But also, you shouldn’t forget that life does not always go as planned. If you lie to yourself about that, then you’re in denial.
When you’re a child you have these dreams about what you want to be when you grow up. Maybe some does make those dreams come true. Someone wants to become a doctor or a police man. They already know what they want to be at a very young age. Others only have dreams what they want to become but when they get older, they got other interests.
I’ve had dreams what kind a job I wanted to do. When I was 6 I wanted to become a baker. I helped mother in the kitchen. We made gingerbread at Christmas. Then there were times when we made buns or cookies. Just baking in general was fun. But when I got older, it wasn’t much fun anymore. Not to mention early mornings. I’m definitely not a morning person. Bakers needs to get up early and baking in general is too much work. Baking once in a while is nice but to do it as a living is not.
Once I had a small thought about owning a candy store. Eat candy all day. But it’s nothing like that. You are supposed to sell them to other people, not eat them yourself 😀 That was just a thought. But a nice one. I don’t think there are many candy stores anymore. At least not here. People rather buy candy from grocery stores and other stores.
When I became a teenager, I wanted to become a singer. We used to sing at home a lot when I was a child. I thought I was good. When I listened to old tapes, I realised I didn’t. At least not as good as a singer should be. I’ve always sing along to tunes but that’s as far it goes. I’m not that much into performing either. Even though I’ve been on stage in school plays and such.
When it comes today, I still don’t know what I want to be. But that’s another story for another day.
I grew up reading books from author Astrid Lindgren. I even did a presentation of her in school once. Books like Ronia the Robber’s Daughter and Pippi Longstocking. The swedish versions. But I have always loved movie versions better. I loved Ronia the Robber’s Daughter. I haven’t actually read the book, our teacher read it out loud in class. The same with Narnia:The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. I also love The Brothers Lionheart, the movie. That proves why Lord of the rings and The Hobbit movies are my thing. I think my mother read Mio, My Son to me but I don’t really remember the story. Moomin was also a part of my childhood. I’ve read children’s books when I was in school. But I’m always been a lazy book reader. I prefer movie versions. I haven’t even finished Lord of the rings. I’ve tried (twice) but it just isn’t for me. I did manage to read The Hobbit a few years ago though. But that was much easier to read. I prefer reading biographies, nonfiction and books about a movies. Thick books with small fonts are a major turn off.
Quote from an old post of mine about writing reflections
Besides Astrid Lindgren, my favourite author is J.R.R Tolkien. He was more than an author. He made a different world. It’s incredible how he could make up his own language. But then again, he was a professor. He took inspiration even from Finnish literature. His books are difficult to read, though. I’ve only read The Hobbit. I’m a child at heart, so books like that are easy on the eyes, so to speak.