Paint your love all over my world

colourful paint
Made in Canva

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.

I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.

If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.

When the anticipation turns to disappointment

crowded sea with different sea life drawing
When you get to a place where you think you’re the only one there, ©Mia Salminen 2020

I’m back to blogging again. Even if it’s has become a short blog post. At least this one is. So the job ended on Monday (October 26) The rest of the contract were holidays. Not the going somewhere kind though. I’m actually relieved I can wake up late again. Going to a job was great but I think I got everything I wanted from there. The contract was shorter because of the coronavirus. I’ve got some more job experience which was one of my goals. If I was offered to continue at the place I wouldn’t have wanted. I really didn’t get things from the job I wanted. The waking up early and going to work was too much to do more than I had to. I was always so tired after work. I really don’t know how someone can have a part-time business while working at a full day job. I was dead tired afterwards and it was only a part-time job. The workplace wasn’t really far but still, it was quite stressful to go there every morning. Even with the bus. I can’t take that for long. Especially when there were days at work where there was nothing to do.

During the job the anticipation was good. I was glad I got something to do. But then it turns to be a bit disappointing. I really didn’t get to do my own things. Things had to be done in a certain way. Written in a certain way and so on. I couldn’t express myself the way I expected. It wasn’t the workplace fault though. It’s just the way workplaces work. I wanted to be more independent but now I had to do what they wanted me to do. I didn’t dare to do anything without asking if I did things right. So the job was good while it lasted but I wouldn’t want to go back to that anymore. It was time to move on. I don’t know what yet but it won’t be searching for a job for a while.