Happy birthday and anniversary dear mum in heaven

orchid
My mothers orchid in bloom 2016

It’s soon been 3 years since mother was taken away from us. She would have turned 71 today and my parents would have been married for 44 years. This post is not about celebrations though.
It’s mythical what happens for a person who passes away. My mother didn’t think anything happens. You just die and that’s it. I really hope it isn’t so. But no one will never know what really happens after we’re dead. Maybe it feels better to think that there are a life after this one. Death in general can be intimating for some but for me it’s just natural. No one get out of this world alive so death is nothing to be afraid of.

What scares me the most is what happens in this world. When I die I hope it’s not in pain. I hope I won’t get a disease like my sister and mother did. I’ve seen how it does to a person and I don’t want to experience that. But you never know what way you die. I could be walking down the street and bang, a car hits me. I rather die quickly than slowly and in pain. I hate pain. Even menstrual cramps makes feel ill.
I’m also afraid of dying before I get to live a life. Death itself is not scary to me. When I was a teen, I had days I wish I wasn’t alive. I didn’t plan to kill myself, it never went that far. But I was depressed when it felt like I wasn’t good enough. You say things when your angry but regret it later. It wouldn’t have been fair to my parents if I died. They had suffered enough. Luckily I grew out of it when I became an adult. Now my life is precious to me even if there are things missing.

Why do we remember deceased birthdays? They’re not here to see and hear it. I think it’s just a way to remember them. It’s not like we’re gonna forget they’re dead. We remember them at Christmas and All Saint’s day (at least in Finland) so why not birthdays. We don’t celebrate a birthday like a person who’s alive. But there’s nothing wrong with remembering a person who’s not. It’s a great comfort to think there is a life after this and thinking the person watches over you. A birthday of them is one way to celebrate the memories of them.

If there is a heaven, my mother would be celebrating one way or another. So have a happy birthday mum and we’re remembering yours here on earth.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Learning English as a foreigner

handwrittenToday I learned a new English word, ‘Percolate‘ Learning English as foreigner can be difficult. You think you learn it in a few months but the real truth is, you never know every word there is in English. For me it has taken years and still I find words I didn’t know about. I wish I could learn some other language the way I have English but that has been too much of a task. I’ve tried to learn Italian and Germany but they’re even more difficult. I prefer English though. I’ve learned it since I was 11 years old so I’ve come far since then.

So how have I learned? I watched a lot of British and American TV shows. I’ve bought a lot of English pop magazines and read books. Most of my favorite bands and artists are English speakers so by watching their interviews without subtitles has helped a lot. There’s a lot of ways to learn the language. I haven’t talked English much but when I have, it hasn’t been a problem. First time I used it was our trip to Germany in 2008 and in Russia this summer. Last time I spoke it was in school. We have two English speakers in my web design class. It’s kind of funny. I should practise English and they should practise Finnish. So we should actually use both in conversation. If I didn’t speak and write English, this blog wouldn’t exist and it would be much harder to study web design.

Learning a new skill always takes time. Percolate slowly but safely. Nothing happens over night. Some Finns are afraid to speak English because they think their accent is bad. But that just makes it unique. Everybody can’t sound like a native English speaker. I don’t know if I have an accent but I wouldn’t care if I did. There’s nothing to be ashamed of trying to speak a language. It doesn’t have to be perfect. If you pronounce something wrong, it doesn’t matter. If a person laughs at you, then you’re speaking to a wrong person. A lot of people have accents and their not afraid to use a foreign language. It’s from mistakes you learn. What’s fun about learning a language is that you’re never finished. There’s always something new to learn.

If I had stopped learning English, I wouldn’t have known what I know now. Practise makes perfect but I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be proud of what I have achieved in a foreign language so far. That’s one of the reasons why I write in English. Not everybody have a chance to learn a language from a young age and not many who can learn it fluently. I’m still not fluent but I get my message through. I don’t even need subtitles when I watch something in English. Knowing the language, searching information online makes it much easier. I’m blessed to have a skill that I can use almost anywhere in the world. If only I could learn French the same way or any other language. But my brain capacity is too small for that kind of thing. Learning is fun when you know what you’re doing. So go and learn a new language or learn to get better in a language you already know. It might feel it takes forever but believe me, it’s all worth it.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna

Filthy mind

lady bugFilthy mind

I have a filthy mind and that’s secret

You can’t see it but I do

I’m not ashamed but I don’t shout it out

I have a filthy mind and that’s only because of a person or two

It get’s filthier as time goes by

I can’t help it but it does

It comes out when I write fiction, it’s like an addiction

Don’t hold it against me, I’m not bad

I just like to think about things that might sound mad

I have a filthy mind, if you read my stories, you might understand

I’m no poet and I don’t have a certain style

But a filthy mind I have and proud of it

Imagination is a great virtue, some have it some don’t

I can honestly say and shout, that’s what I’m all about

 

 

Tallenna

Tallenna