A skill or ability I wish I had would be mind control. Then I could tell people how to think. They would think the way I do. If I wrote a story, they would give me the comments I would give. They would like the photos that I post on Instagram. I would use mind control for the good. I wouldn’t want people to do anything terrible. I would tell people to stop the wars they started, like the one in Ukraine. Turn bad people into good.
Mind control would be useful in job search. If I wanted a job, I would get it. Employers would hire people much easier. If I sent an application for a job, I would get an interview. I wouldn’t have to wait for ages for a reply. Things would move faster if mind control could be used. Anything you apply for will get a solution faster. If you want a loan from a bank, you would get it, and you wouldn’t need to pay it back.
Mind control has its downsides, but what thing doesn’t. To keep things stay stable, you would need to speed things up. Certain things take too much time. Life is too short to wait. If I could use mind control, there wouldn’t be a disagreement. If I told them what to do, they would do it. If someone said to me what to do, I would only say no, and they would let it go. I’m sure there are parents who wish they had mind control so they would get their kids to do chores at home. But then again, if the kids would also use mind control, things wouldn’t be so good after all. In the end, having your own mind and thoughts is much better than having mind control.
I have a vivid imagination when it comes to thinking about things. But if I have to write it down, it’s more complicated. It’s easier to live in your head than in real life. I wish I could be more vivid in everyday life. I wish I could get up earlier in the morning. My late mother used to say you have time to do much more during the day if you get up earlier. The problem is that I get to bed late at night. I only get up early twice a month when I travel to Helsinki for the filmmaking course. If I had a job and a reason to get up early, that would be different.
I wish I could be more excited to do made-up design projects to fill my portfolio. But my mind isn’t that vivid for that kind of stuff. It’s challenging to get ideas on your own. No one is there to tell you what you should do. There are websites where you can find made-up projects, but who has the time. I still wouldn’t have any good ideas. I try to practise Adobe programs every day. Especially Illustrator, but I wish I could stick to it too. Other things distract me, though.
My confidence level depends on the day. Some days it’s 0, the others is 9. I don’t know if it’s an imprecation or just the way I work. I never seem to know what I want out of life. I don’t feel confident around other people. When I’m on my own, I feel I can be myself. In the beginning, when I meet new people, I try to be outgoing. But then it gets tiring, and I keep to myself. It feels like no one is responding to me, so I let it go. Why stress about it how others see you? For example, when I started the filmmaking course, I talked to a person, but now I don’t say anything to anyone. Maybe it’s a Finnish thing, but people never ask me anything. I have to take the initiative, and it’s stressful for an introvert. Finns are only open when they know the person. Or if you’re a tourist, they are nice to you. It’s hard to make friends with a Finn. Even for the Finns themselves. We are all strangers at first, but I don’t know how people become friends if they never ask things about you. I don’t know how I had friends when I was a kid. It was easier then, I guess.
I’m confident about certain things, but then reality hits, and they are dashed. One of them is working somewhere, and I do my job well. But others might not think the same. How would they know when I’m not getting a job anywhere? I’m confident I can get a job one day, but those hopes disappear when I don’t get one. There is some kind of imprecation hanging over me regarding job searches. A healthy person shouldn’t be treated like this. But there are a lot of others who won’t get hired either, no matter what they try. You can’t get more confidence if no one wants to give you a chance. Many people lose their confidence when things don’t go how they want. I haven’t lost mine because my confidence level rarely gets to zero. If you lose your faith in yourself, feeling blue is easier. What others think about you is not relevant. Especially those who want you harm. Like the song, ‘Greatest Love of all’ by Whitney Houston, whatever they take away from me. They can’t take away my dignity.
At our latest meeting in school, we had a producer who taught us about movie production. He said you should do things even if you’re afraid. It’s true, but it’s not easy for someone who prefers getting away from situations like that. I don’t have that kind of confidence. I have been running away from things I’m afraid of all my life. I’m a dreamer and not a risk-taker. I have a temporary confidence period, but then I get nothing done anyway. I know I should, but something stops me from acting. It’s not about being afraid of failure; I’ve been through that many times; it’s about not having enough confidence in my skills. I don’t want to spend time with something that won’t get results. It’s not easy to start something when you don’t know if you got what it takes. Becoming an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things, to begin with. That’s better than having to try to please employers to hire you. At least then you can get more confidence in what you do. One thing is for sure, my confidence level is better than it was when I was younger. I guess that’s what life experiences give you.