I have a vivid imagination when it comes to thinking about things. But if I have to write it down, it’s more complicated. It’s easier to live in your head than in real life. I wish I could be more vivid in everyday life. I wish I could get up earlier in the morning. My late mother used to say you have time to do much more during the day if you get up earlier. The problem is that I get to bed late at night. I only get up early twice a month when I travel to Helsinki for the filmmaking course. If I had a job and a reason to get up early, that would be different.
I wish I could be more excited to do made-up design projects to fill my portfolio. But my mind isn’t that vivid for that kind of stuff. It’s challenging to get ideas on your own. No one is there to tell you what you should do. There are websites where you can find made-up projects, but who has the time. I still wouldn’t have any good ideas. I try to practise Adobe programs every day. Especially Illustrator, but I wish I could stick to it too. Other things distract me, though.
My confidence level depends on the day. Some days it’s 0, the others is 9. I don’t know if it’s an imprecation or just the way I work. I never seem to know what I want out of life. I don’t feel confident around other people. When I’m on my own, I feel I can be myself. In the beginning, when I meet new people, I try to be outgoing. But then it gets tiring, and I keep to myself. It feels like no one is responding to me, so I let it go. Why stress about it how others see you? For example, when I started the filmmaking course, I talked to a person, but now I don’t say anything to anyone. Maybe it’s a Finnish thing, but people never ask me anything. I have to take the initiative, and it’s stressful for an introvert. Finns are only open when they know the person. Or if you’re a tourist, they are nice to you. It’s hard to make friends with a Finn. Even for the Finns themselves. We are all strangers at first, but I don’t know how people become friends if they never ask things about you. I don’t know how I had friends when I was a kid. It was easier then, I guess.
I’m confident about certain things, but then reality hits, and they are dashed. One of them is working somewhere, and I do my job well. But others might not think the same. How would they know when I’m not getting a job anywhere? I’m confident I can get a job one day, but those hopes disappear when I don’t get one. There is some kind of imprecation hanging over me regarding job searches. A healthy person shouldn’t be treated like this. But there are a lot of others who won’t get hired either, no matter what they try. You can’t get more confidence if no one wants to give you a chance. Many people lose their confidence when things don’t go how they want. I haven’t lost mine because my confidence level rarely gets to zero. If you lose your faith in yourself, feeling blue is easier. What others think about you is not relevant. Especially those who want you harm. Like the song, ‘Greatest Love of all’ by Whitney Houston, whatever they take away from me. They can’t take away my dignity.
At our latest meeting in school, we had a producer who taught us about movie production. He said you should do things even if you’re afraid. It’s true, but it’s not easy for someone who prefers getting away from situations like that. I don’t have that kind of confidence. I have been running away from things I’m afraid of all my life. I’m a dreamer and not a risk-taker. I have a temporary confidence period, but then I get nothing done anyway. I know I should, but something stops me from acting. It’s not about being afraid of failure; I’ve been through that many times; it’s about not having enough confidence in my skills. I don’t want to spend time with something that won’t get results. It’s not easy to start something when you don’t know if you got what it takes. Becoming an entrepreneur is one of the most challenging things, to begin with. That’s better than having to try to please employers to hire you. At least then you can get more confidence in what you do. One thing is for sure, my confidence level is better than it was when I was younger. I guess that’s what life experiences give you.
I’m studying filmmaking, and this week we learned about film production. Some of the things are old things from before, but I also learned something new. You shouldn’t be timorous to learn. I don’t necessarily want to be in the movie industry, but it’s interesting to know how movies and TV shows are made. I just like to learn because then, at least, I know I’ve done something in my life. Having knowledge is only a good thing.
Your mind might become mush if you’re too timorous in learning new things. Some might think they already know enough, so they don’t need to learn. But life is about learning. You’re never ready. Even experienced people learn something. While you learn, you become better at it. Learning a language, for example, if you don’t learn new words, you won’t approve. You get timorous when you try to speak it because you’re afraid to use it wrong. Everybody makes mistakes, but that’s how you learn. I know more English now than I did when I was a teen. If I hadn’t used it, this blog wouldn’t exist. E.g. today, I learned a new word, Timorous. Learning is part of life, and it gives you a lot of possibilities that you wouldn’t get otherwise. So go and learn; it grows you as a person too.
In my world 