Learning as in educate

scrabble

It feels like I’m the most educated person at my age in the world. Educate yourself they say and it will open doors for you in the working world. That’s a lot of nonsense. It might work for some but not for me. Sometimes it’s frustrating to have all these educations and not get anywhere. Maybe I’ve been too passive when it comes to job search. But I have standards and maybe too picky. I think it’s a waste of time sending applications to a lot of companies. I rather find a job where I have a better chance. I can’t do any job either. Like a cleaner because of the strong detergents. It has taken me years to find out what I really want to do. When I finally have, I can’t find a job in that field.

My resume is full of educations and only internships. It’s a bit of an embarrassment, to be honest. Employers look at job experiences but mine is a joke. When I was a teenager, summer jobs didn’t interest me. I rather have a holiday than work somewhere. I should have listened to my mother but I was too inefficient. Now I have to pay the price. If there’s something in my life that I regret, it’s that one. I helped dad in his company but that was just pocket money so you can’t really count that as a work experience. It would be easier to be self-employed so you wouldn’t have to go through the job search process. But being a freelancer also has its disadvantages. All I know is, I don’t want to be out of work the rest of my life.

If someone dared to suggest I should go to school again, I would give that person the evil eye. I’m up to my ears with educations. I want to put my learning into action. I need a real job and not another education. I always knew what kind of job I want to do but I have never known what profession. When I chose what I wanted to study, they’ve always been creative. I thought I would get paid for being creative but so far none. I can’t really call myself anything. I have both basic examination in graphic design and vocational examination in web design, plus a degree in photography. I have learned all the basics in school so I don’t need to educate in any school. But the problem with having a creative job is that there’s always someone better than you. There’s no use of a certificate if you’re not good enough to get paid.

You can learn new things without having to go to school. There are different ways to educate yourself. I learn easier in practice than reading from a book. That’s one of the reasons why I never went to high school. That’s only voluntary in Finland. In school, you only get the basics. It’s in real life you learn the best. Through experience, you get better and that’s the best education you can ever get.

Never enamored

dead yellow rosesThis is not a secret but I want to keep my personal life for myself. But I can tell you, I’ve never been enamored. In other words, never been in love. I’ve had infatuations and maybe I felt I was in love. But you can’t be in love with someone you have never met. I can’t even remember if I had a crush on someone close by. I just haven’t found anyone of my liking. It’s easy to find someone you like but falling in love is not. I can’t imagine how being in love feels. Falling in the feeling of love is a piece of cake. If I did fall in love, it wouldn’t be mutual. That’s the story of my life.

I love the feeling when I like someone so much I can’t stop thinking about them. But I don’t like the feeling that I can never meet them in person. I love a lot of things but that’s not being in love. For example, I love certain actors but I’m not in love with them even if I know things about them. I guess my destiny is never to experience being in love and I’m totally OK with it.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Life is a carousel

carousel and blue sky

I never liked roller coasters. I went once in a small one and I hated it. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. It’s the speed that I don’t like. I’m a carousel person. I don’t want any drama and I don’t like conflict. I always try to be careful. I never broke a bone in my life. I’ve had fractures but never broken any. I slipped on ice once where I fractured my left hand. That’s the only time I’ve needed a plaster. I had to wear it for a month and it was hell. I couldn’t even brush my hair and not to forget when taking a shower. Since then I promised myself I would never hurt myself like that again. Every time I slip on something, I get cold chills but luckily nothing has been broken. I’ve hurt all of my limbs and sometimes it feels like I’m invalid. There are things I can’t do anymore that I could when I was younger. For example, I can’t crouch down or sit cross legged. Especially the latter. I sat like that in 1994 and I fractured my right knee so I had to go through an arthroscopic surgery. I had to walk with crutches for a month and then had to go to rehabilitation. There was so much fuss to go through that situation. Clothing yourself, brushing your hair and to move from one place to another. When I see athletes hurting their knees, I feel their pain. I can’t stand pain so I try to avoid it as much as I can. Last time I hurt myself badly was about 4 years ago when I slipped on dirt and my left leg got bent backwards. My leg hurt like hell but nothing was broken. My ankle doesn’t work properly though. I never went to the doctor to get it checked. I haven’t dared to put my skiing boots on so I haven’t slalom skid for years because of that.

I always think before speaking which had caused problems. I just think too much and then the situation is over. I could have done a lot of things if I hadn’t been so careful but there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t regret anything though. Things that have happened in my life has been out of my control. You can’t change people’s attitude against you. Seeing what other people have gone through in their relationships, I’m glad I haven’t had any of those problems. Some things I wish I could have experienced but that’s personal stuff so I won’t go into that. I’ve always done things what I feel at that moment. I’m not looking for a special adventure. Life itself is one but slower. I don’t know why you need to experience exciting things to feel you lived a life. You can live a quiet life and still be satisfied. I guess some feel more alive to “brag” about how great their life is. I feel alive when I listen to my favourite songs or favourite movies. I’m a homebody and when I’m alone I’m more relaxed.

I’ve always done things what I feel at that moment. I’m not looking for a special adventure. Life itself is one but slower. I don’t know why you need to experience exciting things to feel you lived a life. You can live a quiet life and still be satisfied. I guess some feel more alive to “brag” about how great their life is. I feel alive when I listen to my favourite songs or favourite movies. I’m a homebody and when I’m alone I’m more relaxed. I don’t need to go out to parties or drink myself senseless. That has never been me and never will. Sometimes it is nice to get out of you daily routines. Some years ago I never thought I would have the courage to see a live concert and this Thursday I’ll finally take that step. At the Robbie Williams concert, there will be at least 30 000 people so I hope it won’t become too overwhelming. I don’t suffer from anxiety so I’ll be just fine. It will be a roller coaster but it will feel like a giant carousel.

Tallenna