This year, I’ve participated in several courses and learned new things. In March, I took an entrepreneurial studies course, and recently, I’ve taken courses in photography and social media marketing. In those things, you’re never ready. There is always something new to learn. Life is a learning process. Even if you know things, repetition is never bad. If you want to learn something new, being interested in it helps. I tried to learn coding when I studied web design, but that wasn’t fun because I never seemed to learn. I didn’t like learning it because of that. It’s a waste of time if you can’t learn what is being taught. If you like what you’re learning, things get stuck in your head better.
Being creative has been my thing as far as I can remember. I have never wanted to do anything with building stuff (not anything to do with alabaster or any kind of material). Doing things on a computer and digital things is more for me.
Wouldn’t it be great if you got paid for sleeping? That would be a dream job for me. But getting back to reality. My dream job is in a tangled web. I like to do many things, which was difficult when I decided what kind of job I wanted. I always wanted to do something creative and something that wasn’t a regular job. I’ve studied this and that, but I had no luck when it came to getting job experience. They’ve mostly been short internships, but employers don’t appreciate them. I’ve never been a go-getter, so maybe I haven’t gotten anywhere because of that. I’ve had dream jobs, but they’ve changed through the years. Perhaps I’ve been naïve for thinking someone would give me a job after my different studies.
When I was 6, I wanted to become a baker because I liked to help Mum in the kitchen. But then I realised you need to get up early in the morning. I’m not a morning person. Once, as a kid, I wanted to own a candy/sweet shop because I thought I could eat them as much as I wanted. But of course, you can’t. It was only something I thought about. Some people know since they are kids what occupation they want and work for it to reach their goals. For some, it can change through the years. Maybe I’ve looked for something that doesn’t exist. When I finally knew what I wanted to do, I didn’t even get an internship to get field experience. Some employers I’ve sent applications to don’t even get in touch. Job search, in general, is a tangled web, and it’s mentally draining trying to impress people. Then you don’t even get a thank you note.
A dream job would be something where you can control what you do. You can work whenever you feel like it, and you would get paid enough so you wouldn’t need to worry about your financials. No one wants to admit they want a well-paid job without struggling to succeed. But you should also love what you do, regardless of your salary. I couldn’t do a job if I didn’t like doing it. I don’t want to be rich. I only want a job that I’m excited about. I’ve been in enough workplaces I didn’t want to be in. Life should be about what you enjoy and not what others want you to do. Money is nice, but it shouldn’t be the only motivation.
I don’t know if it’s a lie or only a denial, but I’m not as good as I think I am. I question my skills all the time. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I keep putting off things. For example, since 2018, I’ve thought about becoming an entrepreneur. I went to a course about it too. I wanted to become many things, but I constantly changed my mind. I kept telling myself I was good at something, but then I didn’t get the response I wished for from others. I thought I was only an average photographer, writer or anything creative. I thought I couldn’t make it professionally. Maybe I’m lying to myself that I could. I’m worried people will see through me, but they don’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. The truth about that I should choose a profession other than something creative. My photos and designs are plain, and no one would want to pay me because they might make them for free elsewhere. That kind of doubt is often in my head.
Sometimes I wonder if people understand what I’m writing about. Am I the writer that I think I am? It’s not like I’m writing a novel here. I’ve got good feedback about my fiction, and people like my blog posts. But my writing is a hobby. I don’t get paid for it. Writing is the only thing I feel comfortable about. I know I’m good at it. I won’t lie or deny it. It’s other things that I think I’m lying to myself about. There will always be someone who is a better photographer than me. The same goes for graphic design and other creative things. I don’t like the “not being good enough to get paid for”- feeling. I have never wanted an ordinary job where you go at 8 or 9 am and then home at 4 or 5 pm. I can’t sit still and do something boring all day. I need change, and that’s what creative work is. But I can’t get hired because I have no job experience in the field. It’s challenging to get any of that.
As an introvert, it’s hard for me to know what my strengths are. I lie, or I’m in denial that I’m versatile, but am I truly so? Is that even a strength? A killer can be versatile by killing different kinds of people. I like doing different things, and I guess I’m doing OK with them. I wish I was more confident about my skills and not always doubting them. Being honest with yourself is easier than lying. But also, you shouldn’t forget that life does not always go as planned. If you lie to yourself about that, then you’re in denial.
In my world 