I should really concentrate working on my portfolio for school but sometimes writing comes first.
I always seem to chase the wrong dream. If it’s about career choices or men I find attractive. The latter it’s always someone I know I can’t have. They usually live in another country or they’re, well famous. But I feel no remorse by chasing the wrong dream. Crushes come and go. The same with career choices. Many times I thought “this is what I want to do” But then something comes up and I don’t even bother trying. It has happened with writing for a living and formula one photography. It seems to happen with web and graphic design too. I just don’t what I want anymore. Maybe my destiny is to be unemployed for the rest of my life. Of course, I don’t want it to stay that way. I want to show the finger to that destiny. It’s not easy when you can’t even find a job. If I get an interview I fail at it. And that’s a big if.
I get excited about things but they usually short-lived. I wish I could stay excited much longer. I could have been something by now if I wouldn’t be so indecisive. I’m also too reserved and not a risktaker. I’m always thinking about what could go wrong. I also don’t believe in myself enough. Before I started to study graphic design in Helsinki Design School, I thought I was good at it. But now after the feedback I’ve got, I don’t know if I have any potential to get better. It’s the same with photography and web design. I don’t want to do things I won’t get better at. Then again who would stop me from doing things I like. You can’t please everyone. I learned English by practising and got better at it so why not with the design too.
I don’t dream big, I have them in small portions. I’ve dreamed of doing different things and that has come true. I don’t remorse anything that I’ve studied. I always found something useful in them. It’s good that you’re versatile or things would be boring. The current dream I chase is getting through this graphic design education with a good feeling. Getting the portfolio finished and getting through the presentation in front of the class with good results. That’s probably the biggest dream I have chased so far.
This might be pathetic for a person at my age. But some people use dating services which I find sad so who are you to judge. This post is not about dating though. That’s an American thing. Finns don’t date, we meet people. We go out to dinner, going to movies and so on but we don’t call it dating. The whole process feels weird to me and boring. I prefer doing something active. Old fashion dating is not my thing. I’m going off subject there. This post is not about dating and all that stuff.
It takes a lot for me to get interested in someone but when I do, I don’t get over it very fast. It’s usually with someone who I’ll never meet. I’ve had more crushes than I can remember. Sometimes it’s difficult to like someone I know I can never have. But then I see or read about relationships and realise it’s better to be alone. I’ve got over my crushes but there’s always someone new. It’s better to live in the dream world than letting them know how you feel about them. It doesn’t matter how dashing they look or what kind of personality they have. If you know you’ll never get a chance, you don’t even try. Why should you bother to do anything about it because it will never happen anyway? I know I will get over my crushes so I don’t make it a problem. They didn’t even live in the same country so there’s no chance in hell.
My longest crush was 13 years. I wouldn’t call it a crush but I don’t call it love either. I liked him a lot and still do but in a different way. Calling him a celebrity is the wrong word. He is drop dead dashing with a great personality. But men like that are always taken and that’s a line you can’t cross. Life is not a soap opera where you can seduce someone else’s partner and they fall for you instead. It’s easier to like someone from afar than going through the heartache in the real world. Especially when you’re never been popular. That’s one of the reasons why I keep crushing men I can’t have. I’ve gone through life by thinking about something else besides relationships. Maybe I’m paying the price now. It might sound sad but some people are meant to be alone and I’m one of them.
My crushes have always been with foreigners. Finnish men have never really been my cup of tea. There’s nothing wrong with them. But most Finnish men can’t act without alcohol and that’s a big turn off. Finnish is not really a romantic language either and it sounds corny when you want to talk about emotions. Unfortunately, most of my crushes have been athletes, pop stars or actors. That’s such a teen thing but that’s not entirely true. I’ve had those through my adulthood. That’s what good about being single, you can crush who you want and whatever age. It does have its disadvantages though. You wish you could meet your crush and tell them how you feel. But that won’t change anything since they probably won’t feel the same about you. If no one has never crushed on me, how can I expect to get any feelings back from a person I’ve never met? I can hardly look at myself.
I wish I could find someone who gives me the same spark as my past and current crushes have. But that won’t happen. I’ve out of their league. None of them would even look my way. Even if I proved them I don’t care about their money and fame, they would still choose that pretty one. Celebrities only want someone they can show at premiers. It’s been seen so many times. Everything they do something, it ends in the papers or online. An ordinary person would feel uncomfortable. I can only hope I get over this current crush soon. If he just wouldn’t be so drop dead dashing and almost perfect. Even if liking someone the way I do, is a great feeling, it has to stop sometime. If only that non-famous who gives me the same feeling would come along one day but I guess that’s gonna be a long wait.
Today it’s Christmas Eve Eve and this advent calendar is coming to an end. First of all, thank you all for the likes and comments. I really appreciate them all. Secondly, there’s not much left of the year 2016. Personally my year has been quite eventful which is something that doesn’t happen every year. I’ve also discovered things I didn’t expect I would. I made a list of what I discovered this year.
Learn new things
I started studying web design. At first I was really exited but as the year passed, I notices coding is a pain for me. No matter how many times I tried to practise, I didn’t learn it. I’ve been so frustrated and wanted to quit so many times. My teacher said if I practise and practise, I learn but what’s the point when it only makes me upset. You should like to practise what you do. On the job learning I told my client about my troubles with coding but luckily he fully understood. I did what I could. The client was satisfied with all the work I did do. The planing is something I’m better at. I did a logo and a banner so I used my graphic design knowledge. Sometimes things you’ve learned in the past do come in handy.
Winning a fear
It’s not really a fear but I’ve never been brave. In school I was always a listening student. As an introvert, speaking up in class was never easy. Even if I did know the answer, I still wasn’t brave enough to speak. In the school I’m studying right now, I’m been much more talkative. I’ve asked questions and so on. I think I’m not afraid to speak up is because we’re only about 7 students so it’s easier. I always liked small groups. The older I get, less I think about what others might think. If I screw up something, I just move on. It always wasn’t so. I wouldn’t want to go back in time and live my teens again. I lacked confidence and unsecure around other people. It’s much easier now and it has taken a lot of time to get here.
I made a new blog about my web design studies. At first I thought I could handle two blogs but I was wrong. I haven’t had the energy to write so it has been rejected for a while now. I can’t spend my time blogging all day so something must give. The reason I started that blog was to keep up with my studies. More of a diary thing. It’s interesting to know what I was thinking and went through. Usually there’s a lot of things stored in my brain but like computers, you need to empty the hard drive from time to time. I will still have that blog even if I only post there less than in this blog.
I’m a very late bloomer when it comes to Marvel movies. I haven’t really been interested in those before. Movies like ‘Thor’ and ‘The Avengers’. I loved ‘Guardians of the galaxy’ but that as far as it goes. I’m still not interested in Marvel movies in general. I don’t care about ‘X-men’, ‘Superman’ and whatever the names are. Even if I did see ‘Superman vs Batman’ but that was only because of the latter and I wanted to see how Ben Affleck did his version of him.
There’s reason why my sudden interest in certain Marvel movies has arisen and the reason is Tom Hiddleston. I never thought I would watch Thor and actually liking them. The first one was a bit lame but it did have great special effects. The second was better but you should watch ‘The Avengers’ first because then you understand it better. That’s the problem with Marvel movies, there’s too many characters you have to keep up with. Then they make different movies of them too. ‘The Avengers’ is actually the 2nd ‘Thor’ movie. Damn Loki, his everywhere. But ooh so sexy.
A new crush
What a difference a TV series makes. I’ve never seen anything with Tom Hiddleston before until now. I didn’t think much of him since I didn’t watch those movies. To make a long story short, I watched ‘The Night manager’ and boom, I was ‘in love’ You know when you’re a kid and the parents tell you not to touch the stove or put your tongue on an icy surface but you still do it. The same when someone says, don’t look at him/her for too long or you might fall for them. Maybe I’m a bit superficial here but he’s just so pretty it hurts. Plus those amazing eyes and that voice. Is it getting hot in here? 😀 He’s not just a pretty face though.
I loved ice hockey as long as I remember. I usually watch world champion and big tournaments like that. But this year I discovered I love it even more. I went to a few matches in the Finnish league. One of the tickets I won in an Instagram competition. Nothing is better than seeing it live. It’s not a cheap thrill and I’m not really crazy about the travel to the matches. Being there supporting your team in person and feeling the atmosphere is one of the best feelings in the world.