Some things you can’t control. Like a death in the family. No one should go through that. Especially if you’re still a child. A childhood should be happy without sorrow. Mine was happy until that day when my sister died. I was only 6 years old and death is something you don’t think about. I don’t remember much about it. In a way it was good I was so young. I didn’t have to go through the same thing as my parents. All those hospital visits and coping with the illness. I don’t really know what she had but it was something to do with her immune system. It was rare at the time. Her death did affect my life in many ways.
I’ve thought a lot of times how my life would have been if she wouldn’t have gotten sick. We were quite close. I don’t think our relationship would have changed much. She would have been my rock. If I had problems I could talk to her. She would be a great comfort. Especially now when mother have passed away. If I had lived my life with my sister in it, I would probably be more outgoing and have more confidence.
If I could turn back time and live my childhood all over again, I would wish my sister would be healthy and see adulthood. The holidays would be much better if she would still be around. I don’t know how it is to have siblings nor being the only child. I’ve experienced both. When I hear or read how people complain about having a sibling, I just think “at least they have someone” They can be a pain but that’s a small prize to pay. Living alone without one is not that much fun either.
Losing a sister at a young age has helped me understand other people who have lost a loved one. I don’t see death as a scary thing. I don’t even cry at the movies because it’s all fake anyway. For some death is something they don’t want to think about. They don’t know how to take other people’s sorrow. Only people who have gone through the same thing can understand.
It’s not only what you go through in your childhood that molds you. It’s what you experience through life. If I hadn’t gone through what I have been through I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I am what I am and nobody can tell me to be something I’m not. That’s something everybody should remember.
Day 21. If I could step back in time, I would return to my childhood at the beginning of the 1980s. My family was complete then. Both of my grandmothers were alive, and my sister. I would relive those times when I was a small child. You have no problems, and you live a carefree life. I don’t remember much about that time. There are bits, but it would be nice to see how it was then. I miss Christmases the most. We always spend it within the family, and when my sister died in 1983, things weren’t the same again. Our family got smaller and smaller. It’s only me and dad left now. We have different videos of the times we spent together, so I can go down memory lane when I want to remember how it was. And photos, of course.
I would also like to see how my life would have been if things had turned some other way. How my sister would be like as an adult. Maybe the death of our mother would have been a bit easier. Or what if mother hadn’t died so soon. Thinking about these things are needless because life is what it is. Everybody dies one day. It would be nice to go back in time, but what happened then is in the past. You should live in the present because that’s something you can control. But playful thinking has never done anyone any harm.
When I die I won’t leave a legacy of any kind to anyone. I probably give all the money to charity and the stuff I probably throw in the trash. I won’t be remembered for anything special. It doesn’t really matter what happens after my death because, well I’m dead. Some people want to make a big deal of what they leave behind. I only want a normal and quiet life without unnecessary drama. I don’t need to impress anyone. Not everyone will leave a legacy and it doesn’t matter either.
I settle for little. I don’t know why you should do anything special in this life. If you want to be at the top of the world and you don’t feel complete unless you experience something out of the ordinary, so be it. But don’t expect others to do the same. I only want to do things that please me. I don’t need excitement to feel human but not being bored either. Pleasing at least one person is enough. For example at work when someone tells me I’ve done something right, it feels I’ve accomplished something good. I don’t need fireworks to feel needed.
There are many who use social media to feel important. I got back to Instagram yesterday (@liuzzia5) because I got a better phone (Apple iPhone SE2020) and I can download it again. Even if it’s a popularity contest the whole app I still use it. It’s a bit of a waste of time if you ask me. I have never really gotten the point of the whole thing. I only get a few likes and sometimes none. But I only use it for my own amusement. I never know what kind of hashtags I should use and I don’t bother with it. It takes all the fun out of Instagram. I prefer Pinterest more than that because there you don’t need to think that much about hashtags.
In certain things, I wish people gave me more likes. E.g. graphic design or photography. Comments would be much more prefered though. Maybe social media is not the right platform or something for that. I don’t want to become famous or anything. Or leave a legacy for the future generation. But knowing I’m not wasting my time on something I’m not really good at would be nice to know. Maybe I’ll always only remain an amateur. I know I should be more confident in myself. Right now I’ve been too tired after work so I haven’t had time to think about what to do after my contract ends. Not to mention about the legacy I’m not gonna leave behind.