Spray some popularity around me

neon spray paint
Made in Canva

Do you ever feel other people seem to be much better at things than you do? Other people get a lot of likes on Instagram, for example. Or others get friends easier than yourself. You get the feeling you’re totally useless and no one pays you any attention. You don’t look for fame or anything but wouldn’t be nice to be popular at least a little. You know you shouldn’t put yourself down but you can’t help comparing yourself with others. It’s called the inferiority complex. You have low self-esteem and it can depress you. There are moments you feel good about yourself but then you see someone who looks confident and you feel useless again. You try not to care because deep inside you’re good in your own way. But still, back in your head, you think you’re not really good at anything.

My time on social media has been like this which one reason why I have thoughts about not bothering posting anything. Why should I use my energy trying to impress strangers? Spray some popularity around me, will you? I don’t know how people get a lot of likes or comments on social media. Maybe I’m just a boring person and untalented. It seems you need to post photos of yourself to get noticed. Most photos online are fake. Especially on Instagram so I don’t want to be in that game anyway. I’ve only used social media for fun. I have a love/hate relationship with social media. They say how you can promote your business or design work you’re done. But since my experience is mostly negative I’m sceptic about how it would work for me. I have posted my photos in different places and got likes and comments but not because of social media. Even if I use keywords I still don’t get any followers or views on social media. Mostly on Twitter since I use it the most. I don’t really care if it’s about the things I write. I’m more concerned about my design work or photography. Maybe I’m not good enough. At least not good enough to get paid for my work.

“I could have done that” or “It’s nothing special” are words I’ve heard about my photography. Thank you very much, now I really want to practice to get better. Not, it makes me want to give up altogether. It doesn’t give me the motivation to prove them wrong. It only gets me down. I need someone who says what I should do to improve it. I’m not clairvoyant. Even if photography isn’t important for me anymore, those words still haunt in the back of my head. Maybe it’s the same with web and graphic design. I make nothing special and anyone could do the same. It’s probably only in my own mind. There is a lot of people who have been in the business for years and I’m only starting out so you can’t compare. But I can’t even find a job so I can’t get better at it either. It seems you need to be popular and have connections to get anywhere. If it’s social media or finding a job. You also need to be an interesting person which I am not. At least when it comes to fitting into a company. I guess you just have to do everything yourself. Nothing new there. You won’t get help from anyone.


Walking in the shadows

Silhouette skyMaybe I should stop using social media altogether. I don’t get much reaction very often from what I post there. It feels like walking in the shadows. Not even a single silhouette of me. It’s like talking to a wall or myself. Then again talking to myself isn’t bad. How could I have an intellectual conversation otherwise? A lot of people post things I don’t really care about. Comparing my life with theirs, at least they have an exciting one. Nothing much happens in mine. Social media can be a very depressive place. If you feel down, it’s better to avoid it altogether. I rather do something else than be online.

They say you can use social media in a job search. Oh really? It doesn’t work for everyone. LinkedIn is quite overrated too. I’ve only got one message from a recruiter and that was last year. I think using your energy to something else is a much better choice. Maybe it can work for some but I’m walking in the shadow where no one notices no matter what I do. My network only got 5 people which is even less effective. Apparently, I’m not that interesting to recruiters. But that’s no surprise. They say job search is like dating but I have no luck in that either. At least I’m not alone. A lot of other people have the same problems.
Self- employment is the other option. What worries me about having an own business, is how can I find clients, if my personal account doesn’t get much attention? Getting yourself out there shouldn’t be this hard but what can you do when there are a thousand of others trying to do the same.

I wonder if I chose the wrong occupation, design (web and graphic). There are not many job offers for someone who hasn’t had that much experience. Young people who started in their teens with design versus someone who changed careers at 30 something. Who gets the job? The young person because they’re the future obviously. That’s what the employers are looking for. It’s not just design but photography as well. You must be quite good to get hired. With my skills it’s impossible. I’ve tried to practice drawing lately but I feel it’s a lost cause. Honestly, I’m not that excited about drawing. I would definitely not get a job where it’s required. At least not with this one I drew last night.

groot drawing
Baby Groot by me

My father is a good drawer so he said practice makes you better but I don’t think that works for me. You need the passion for it. I wish I could be as excited about it as I am in fan fiction writing. Other jobs seem so boring. At least in design, you can do the job anywhere. Whatever others say, this is my final decision and nothing will make me change my mind. Then again, that’s what I thought about photography too and that failed.

If I didn’t have this blog and support from you, the reader, I wouldn’t have the motivation to keep going. I would feel useless and untalented. I would probably be suffering from depression if I let negative thoughts enter my mind. I might feel down for a while but unlike depression, it’s just a passing feeling. I don’t want to be famous, I just want someone to believe in what I do. Walking in the shadows should be temporary but no one seems to have the courage to speak up. I rather hear negative comments about my skills than hearing no comments at all. But they don’t need to be criticising. You can say things nicely. If no one never gives advice or comments about what they like about your work, how can you get better? I just want to know if I really have the skill I think I have. I don’t want to continue something I have no future with. That goes with anything life has to offer.

I must be chasing after rainbows

loyal graphics
Blog title from ‘The seventh stranger’ by Duran Duran

I must be crazy believing there would be some loyalty left in the world. I for one is loyal so I could almost have a tattoo. I won’t get one because I hate needles. I usually don’t like talking about politics and I won’t now either. But this is something that I feel strongly about. Maybe a lot of you don’t know but in Finland, we have well-fare for unemployed. It’s supposed to be temporary but some people exploit and they don’t even bother looking for work. I call them lazy unemployed. They give other job searchers a bad name. Most of us do want to work. These people who don’t want to work are proud to be without a job. They come out in the media and says how lazy they are. If I were them, I would keep it too myself. I guess they want fame. I wonder what kind of upbringing they have. My parents, especially my mother was very couraging and sometimes even too much for my liking. But work has always been very important. Living on well-fare all your life should not be something to be proud of. I feel really sorry for these young people who don’t seem to even bother looking for work even if they could. But getting free money seems to be alright. Any job experience is good. If someone only takes a job because of the money, they never get anything. I can’t understand how someone wants to be out of work voluntarily. You should at least have some kind of education. I would have been bored out of my mind if I didn’t study at least. Working is not only about money. There’s so much more to it.

As for my own job search. So far I haven’t found anything. There’s this app/software tester job but one of the requirements is having a mobile device which I don’t have. I have only a tablet and it irritates me frequently. It’s also a freelance job but isn’t really a problem though. It’s easy to apply for the job but still, it’s unsure if you get picked. All you need is to create an account and then answer a Google form. You get to choose what you want to test and anytime you want. If you find a bug, you get paid extra. More bugs you find, more you get paid. It is tempting. It’s just the device thing that is a thinker. Besides the tablet, I have the computer. The more devices you have, the better you get things to test. It wouldn’t really matter if I only get pocket money. It still doesn’t replace a full-time job.

Maybe I’m chasing rainbows here but I think as a female in design, I can get a job. You can read about how hard it is for a woman to work in a male-dominated job. But I don’t see it that way. I think what men can do, women can do it too. It’s about the attitude and how loyal you are. I won’t let age get in the way. No horny old man (like that what’s his name again director) will harass me either. They probably think I’m a man anyway. If I can’t find a job in someone else’s business, then maybe I should start something on my own. The problem is my marketing myself thing and also do I still remember what I studied. Last time I designed something was in school. That stopped months ago. All I know right now is, I don’t want to be out of work. If I’m not loyal to myself and what I want to do, no one will.