Walking in the shadows

January 26, 2018 MiaLeave a comment

Maybe I should stop using social media altogether. I don’t get much reaction very often from what I post there. It feels like walking in the shadows. Not even a single silhouette of me. It’s like talking to a wall or myself. Then again talking to myself isn’t bad. How could I have an intellectual conversation otherwise? A lot of people post things I don’t really care about. Comparing my life with theirs, at least they have an exciting one. Nothing much happens in mine. Social media can be a very depressive place. If you feel down, it’s better to avoid it altogether. I rather do something else than be online.

They say you can use social media in a job search. Oh really? It doesn’t work for everyone. LinkedIn is quite overrated too. I’ve only got one message from a recruiter and that was last year. I think using your energy to something else is a much better choice. Maybe it can work for some but I’m walking in the shadow where no one notices no matter what I do. My network only got 5 people which is even less effective. Apparently, I’m not that interesting to recruiters. But that’s no surprise. They say job search is like dating but I have no luck in that either. At least I’m not alone. A lot of other people have the same problems.
Self- employment is the other option. What worries me about having an own business, is how can I find clients, if my personal account doesn’t get much attention? Getting yourself out there shouldn’t be this hard but what can you do when there are a thousand of others trying to do the same.

I wonder if I chose the wrong occupation, design (web and graphic). There are not many job offers for someone who hasn’t had that much experience. Young people who started in their teens with design versus someone who changed careers at 30 something. Who gets the job? The young person because they’re the future obviously. That’s what the employers are looking for. It’s not just design but photography as well. You must be quite good to get hired. With my skills it’s impossible. I’ve tried to practice drawing lately but I feel it’s a lost cause. Honestly, I’m not that excited about drawing. I would definitely not get a job where it’s required. At least not with this one I drew last night.

My father is a good drawer so he said practice makes you better but I don’t think that works for me. You need the passion for it. I wish I could be as excited about it as I am in fan fiction writing. Other jobs seem so boring. At least in design, you can do the job anywhere. Whatever others say, this is my final decision and nothing will make me change my mind. Then again, that’s what I thought about photography too and that failed.

If I didn’t have this blog and support from you, the reader, I wouldn’t have the motivation to keep going. I would feel useless and untalented. I would probably be suffering from depression if I let negative thoughts enter my mind. I might feel down for a while but unlike depression, it’s just a passing feeling. I don’t want to be famous, I just want someone to believe in what I do. Walking in the shadows should be temporary but no one seems to have the courage to speak up. I rather hear negative comments about my skills than hearing no comments at all. But they don’t need to be criticising. You can say things nicely. If no one never gives advice or comments about what they like about your work, how can you get better? I just want to know if I really have the skill I think I have. I don’t want to continue something I have no future with. That goes with anything life has to offer.

Welcome to the zoo

November 30, 2017November 30, 2017 MiaLeave a comment

It’s not about a zoo with animals. I’ve been to a few, in Hamburg, Stockholm and the ones in Finland (Ähtäri and Helsinki Zoo). Also the one close to the city I live in, Zoolandia. In those zoos, the animals are living in peace. But the zoo in my head is having a big fight. The zoo meaning my thoughts. I can’t make up my mind what I really want to do in life. One part keeps me lazy but the other part wants to start something productive. My weakness is the start. I can start a fiction or even this blog but when it comes to projects, I find it difficult to get started. I feel so unmotivated too. I need more confidence or I’ll never move on.

So far I’ve studied photography, graphic design and web design. But the only thing I haven’t found is a job. First of all, there are not many jobs out there in my city. The other is the demands employers have. I’m just not cut for those jobs. I’ve applied for a few but it didn’t bring results. I’m not sure my skills are even that good. It feels like I’m not talented enough. I’m paranoid people think my designs are unimpressive and that I should do something else. In other words, it’s all crap. But then I think, so what? As long as I know what I can do, is all that matters. There’s always someone who does like it. It had taken me years to discover what I want to do. No one can tell me to change occupations again. I have found my so-called calling and I won’t let it go. The toughest challenge is to get yourself out there. There are so many designers who got a lot to show and I’m only starting out.

The zoo in my head is preventing me to do things out of my comfort zone. One of them is what kind of design I really want to do. I’m not very technical so web developing seems too complicated. I didn’t even like coding in school. I’ve thought about graphic design again. I applied for one education but it’s already been a month and still nothing. I guess my luck had run out when it comes to education. At least I save money. It was quite expensive. In a way, it would have been a good learning curve. The teachers would have been pros. I’m a bit disappointed I didn’t get in but since I already have the basic knowledge of the subject. It would probably be a repeat anyway. I’ve been to that school before (2014-2015) but it’s wasn’t as cool as they make it sound. Last time it didn’t give me anything special. After 3 years I’m still in the same place as I was then.

People make it sounds so easy to start a business. There’s a lot of examples on Pinterest. How to work from home. How someone made this much money in this amount of time. How to earn money on Pinterest. All of these tips are abroad so I don’t know if any of them would work in Finland. There are so many rules you have to go by. Taxes and all that. Having a business in any country seems so complicated. Applying for a job in a company seems the easiest way. If you go it alone you have to sell yourself. Branding, networking etc. It’s so overwhelming for an introvert and especially for a shy one. If I had to choose I would do all the networking on the computer.

That’s not the biggest challenge though. It’s the standing out thing. How can you stand out and how to explain it in words, that’s the dilemma. I’m me and there’s no one like that. It doesn’t say much. I just can’t explain myself in words like that. That’s what I hate the most about the job search. Explaining yourself to strangers. I wish people would just accept the answer, I’m me and that’ll never change. But things always need to be explained as complicated as possible. That’s the reason there’s a zoo in my mind. Simplicity would make things much more bearable and everything would be easier.

Always dubious

November 14, 2017 Mia1 Comment

Sometimes I feel like I don’t really know what I want from life. I’m always dubious about my skills. Am I good enough? Do other people see me as an uncertain person who has a low self-esteem? Am I too negative? I constantly doubt myself. I should be confident and believe in me. If I don’t believe in myself, how can I expect others to do the same? I shouldn’t compare myself to others but when I see other people work on Behance for example, I feel I never have a chance. They have done more in design than me and they’re younger. I’m only started and they’ve done it for years. I don’t have much to show. If I apply for a job, I know I won’t get it. They take someone who’s done a lot of things. I’m never even had a real job but at least I’ve had clients. It was on the job learning but it still should count.

What I dislike the most about the job search is writing a cover letter. I never know how to start and what to write. I can’t find words to describe myself. Another problem is, do I have enough knowledge to do the job? It’s not like I keep practising my skills. It feels like my style is not good enough to get a job. I have these ideas but maybe they just look good in my head. It’s difficult for me to judge my own work. At the moment I’m planning some self-promotion but it feels all the work will be a waste. I don’t want to waste time on something that has no value in the end. I also get distracted easily. Watching a video or writing fiction seems more interesting than a doing actual job. In my case, practice.

I would think I would know by now what I actually want. But I’m still confused. I’m too dubious about things I do and think. I probably change my mind like Madonna changes styles. If I got the doubt out of my mind, things would be easier. Now I just run around in circles. I applied for one job at least while I thought about what to write in this post. That’s something at least. I could say fingers crossed but I still doubt I’ll even get an interview. You never know if you don’t try, right?