Not that fearless any longer

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I used to fear things but became more fearless as I got older. I guess it was because my mother died and I had to be. I didn’t like to talk to strangers, so I didn’t speak to them. It wasn’t because of fear; I felt awkward and wanted to leave. Still, there are days when I don’t feel like talking to anyone, but it isn’t about fear. It’s about being an introvert. Or maybe I don’t have the courage on that day. I think before I speak. Some days, I’m fearless and have no trouble talking to a stranger. The only thing I still fear is talking on the phone. No way I want to do that. I prefer Emails. I don’t answer unknown numbers. Unless it’s essential.

I’m also fearless when I drive a car. I’ve had my driver’s license for almost 3 years and didn’t know if I dared to drive alone. My dad was always with me, but now, when I had to drive alone for a month, I realised it wasn’t that bad. I guess I’ve learned to drive the car. That’s what experience gives you. I still don’t like driving in traffic or on the highway, though. I fear I get in the way or I crash into someone. I drive my dad’s car, which is an older car, so I had to learn how to drive that; it’s only now that I have enough confidence to drive it. The car was a new model in driving school, so driving was different. Both vehicles have a stick shift, but there were 6 gears in driving school when my dad’s car had 5. Driving is fun when you’re fearless.

I can be fearless when it comes to trying new things. Like food, but I want to know what it contains. I’ve cooked new things, and some of them have been good. I have even cooked it again. My mother and I used to try different recipes. She’s the reason why I know how to cook. When you cook yourself, you know what you get. The two ingredients I dislike the most are mushrooms and broccoli. I’m not so fond of cheese either, but in certain foods, it’s alright. I can’t stand it when they put mushrooms in many things. If there are, I take them out. I’m not that fearless that I eat anything.

Being fearless doesn’t mean parachute jumping or rock climbing. It can also be mentally fearless or being fearless in everyday situations. It can be a temporary feeling that might come back, or it may not. We’re all different and see the word differently. That’s something we have to appreciate in other people. You shouldn’t understate opinions about what the words mean to them. You can agree to disagree, but it’s pointless to argue about it. No one should be that fearless to hurt feelings.

Things going up the spout

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Things never go the way I want to, so I shouldn’t plan anything. All ideas going up the spout. Is it a failure if you only thought about it, or should you do things first and then fail? I have done both. Failed at a thought and failed in things I’ve done. I passed educations and all that, but nothing to brag about. I have had expectations, but they went up the spout. In a way, I’m disappointed with how things have turned out in my life. But certain things just happen, and you only have to accept them. Everyone isn’t made to be anything special. What is success anyway? I don’t know what it means. Staying alive is a success. Getting through difficult times is a success. Keeping on blogging no matter what is a success. You don’t need to have success in the working life to feel it. The world is too work orientated. A job is not everything. It’s nice to have, but it shouldn’t define success. The best success I’ve had is getting a drivers license. It might not make headlines, but it’s great news for me. Especially when I failed to complete it years ago. The second time around is the best.

Other people can live their life the way they want as long as they don’t interfere in mine. I’m not made for living a life most people do. I’m a lone wolf. I’m the happiest when I can be myself. I don’t need people in my life. There is too much drama, and I’ve had enough of those. They say having friends is good for you, but not for me. It’s the other way for me. It was different when I was a child. Maybe they were important then, but I’ve managed without any so far. I’m tired of trying to please other people. The world is full of fake people who think they need to be something they’re not. The people I know personally are only acquaintances, so I wouldn’t call them friends. I don’t spend any time with them. They have their own life and friends. I haven’t seen my old schoolmates for decades, and I don’t want to either. They weren’t my friends. Only classmates I spent some time with. I have nothing in common with them anymore anyway. Why dwell in the past? Doing things alone is much better because then you can do what pleases you. There is always someone too lazy to do the same things I want to do. Travelling is probably the only thing I don’t want to do alone. Especially if it’s abroad.

I thought about entrepreneurship because I couldn’t find a job. I went to a course about it, but that was 3 years ago. Another idea went out the spout. Now I’m not that excited about it anymore. I just don’t have what it takes. I thought I could beat the odds, but then I started to think I can’t even get started, so how could I keep it up. Too many distractions. I signed up for light entrepreneurship service, but that was ages ago. I was excited at first. I could try entrepreneurship without the paperwork and things. But like always, I changed my thoughts about that too. Story of my life. I never get things done. I’ve tried to find work from somewhere else, but I can’t find anything. They say there is a lot of work out there. Yes, but in the wrong occupations. I can’t become something else overnight. The jobs are most of the time in some other city than your own. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I’m fed up with all the job searches, so I rather want to do something fun and stress-free things. At least for now. So far, any ideas I’ve got has gone up the spout, and I have no energy to think about what to do next.

Getting off the blogging break

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I haven’t been writing this blog in a month. How fast time goes. There are several reasons. Summer heat (which I hate) Then driving school. The UX/UI design course. And frankly, I’ve been too tired to think about writing anything. It’s been too hot inside, so I’ve been outside where there is wind. I wish this heatwave would be over, but it’s getting hotter at the weekend. Maybe it will cool down next week. I don’t mind warmth, but when it’s over 25 celsius, it’s hell. At least it’s not about 50 like it is in Canada. I would feel like dying if it was like that over here. I wish I could hibernate until the heatwave is over. I wish you could control the weather. I just have to pull through. It can’t last forever. Days like this, I miss being cold.

I wouldn’t say I’m off from the blogging break. It’s only this post, but the next time can be any day. In other news. I will finally be doing the driving test on July 15. I will have a driving lesson before that on the same day. I hope I will pass on the first try. I’ve been watching videos and stuff. The driving lessons are pretty expensive, so I hope I don’t need to do them again. I started in February, so it would nice to finish driving school soon.