New zest for life begins

abba photo on cardboard
In front of Abba Museum in Stockholm, Sweden. Photo by dad

Holiday over or in my case a break. Had a relaxing 2 nights in Stockholm with dad. The weather was nice. Warm enough. We went to the island Djurgården where the amusement park Gröna Lund is. Beside it, there is the Abba museum. On the outside, they had put this photo of the band where you could put your own head through the holes so your face is there instead of theirs. We didn’t go inside the museum though. Our main goal was the open-air museum, Skansen. There you can see wild animals for example. There were bears playing with each other in the water. You could watch them through a glass. There is so much to see so it took several hours. It’s a great place for families. We got there in the morning by boat and when we left, there were hundreds of more people coming. It was Saturday so it’s a very popular day and the weather was sunny too. We walked for 8 hours in total in Stockholm. Of course, breaks sometimes. After a break at the hotel, we took a walk nearby to see the evening life. Even a short holiday makes you feel like a new person. It’s almost like a new zest for life begins.

Speaking of which. Next week it begins. Maybe not a new life but still something else for a change. The graphic design education in Helsinki. It’s always a bit nerve-wracking but yet excited to meet new people. The first meeting on Friday on August 24. I already bought the bus tickets and then I get the information the school begins at 10.30 am. So I have almost 2 hours to kill. Usually, the day would start at 9 am but the first meeting is later. But what’s done is done. When you start a new school, there are usually this introduce yourself time and that’s what I dread the most. Last time I went to Helsinki Design School, I was awful at it. I can never guarantee how things will go. Things never come out of my mouth as I have planned it. I might say things too quietly or I stutter but that’s because I’m nervous. The first impression is my weakness. Even at the restaurant in Stockholm, I ordered a salad on the side but they brought us French fries instead. I thought I said it in a clear voice but I guess the waiter didn’t understand. It really didn’t really matter because the fries were much better than the potatoes I had. But when it comes to introducing yourself, you get one shot and then you’re stamped for the rest of the time. It would be easier just to say your name and where you’re from and then move on. But they want your whole story, why you’re there and what you’ve done. Why make it more difficult anyway? If people want to know more, just ask. I guess Finns are to shy so you have to tell things about you straight away. They don’t want to know your whole story though. I survived last time so I will do it this time too. The education itself will be interesting. Learning new things is always a bonus.

The puzzled child

rubiks cube on black

Watson: “I don’t understand.”
Magnussen (condescendingly): “You should have that on a T-shirt.”

(In a later scene)

Watson: “I still don’t understand.”
Magnussen: “And there’s the back of the T-shirt.”

– BBC Sherlock, The last vow

Even if I’m an adult I still feel like a puzzled child. Sometimes I have times where I would still need my mother but other times I’m like an old soul who got it all together. If it’s about daily life choices or occupations, I’ve always been indecisive. When I was younger I had future plans but now I live as the day comes. It’s easier that way because I’ve had so many disappointments in life and the future is less scary that way. You can’t really plan ahead because you never know what will happen. Living as the day came became even more significance after my mother died. When she was sick, you couldn’t really do anything else besides that.

Being someone with a lot of interests, it’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you can do a lot of different things. The curse is not being able to decide or it takes longer. I’m between things I like and things I wouldn’t care less about. Unfortunately, in this life, you have to do things even if they’re repulsive. After primary school, I had to apply to an education I didn’t care about, nursing. I was against it but now I’m thankful I did. I also had a very good career advisor who helped me to find an education. A lot of young people (15-18-year-olds) don’t get anywhere so they have a bigger risk to become outcasts. So you have to start somewhere. I don’t really envy young people today because now there’s so much to choose from. What they should remember, the occupation they choose now doesn’t mean they need to do it the rest of their life. It’s OK to change your mind. I used to know quite a few people who changed careers. That’s what I did wrong. I thought I had to so stick with one so it took me years to know what I wanted to do the most. I’m a bit worried I waited too long but how would I have known I change my mind a lot. Like my mother used to say. The older you get, the more difficult it gets to find a job. Age shouldn’t matter but the society cares too much about it. You can’t go back. What’s done is done.

I wish I did things differently in the past but they just weren’t meant to be. I was too careful. But I would rather do things I like and not stay in a job I hate. I haven’t had a real job but the internships I’ve been to have both been good and some bad. I’ve been to the jobcentre several times and I guess they’ve became tired of me because I couldn’t decide. They even offered me a work pension once which I obviously declined. I’m a puzzled child, not disabled to work. I’ve never got anything but courses and internships from them anyway. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I wish I didn’t have to go to the jobcentre anymore. Last time I was there, the clerk asked if a web designer is my final occupation. Well, I don’t know about that. I might lose motivation if I can’t find a job. Finding a job in a field you finally chose is not easy. There’s pressure everywhere and there’s a lot of other people looking for the same thing. People might think I’m a difficult person. But I’m just the puzzled child who looks things from different angles before deciding anything. If someone got a problem with that, then too bad.