A bit of this and that

surfer inside a wave
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Aquadynamic is a problematic word to make a post about. But I can describe my current emotions. If you haven’t noticed, it was a month ago that I posted on this blog. I don’t know, but somehow I haven’t had the right feeling to write anything. Let’s just say life has come before everything else. My filmmaking education started at Helsinki Design School last week. The first meeting was last Wednesday and Thursday. I think it went well. My schoolmates are OK, I guess. Getting to know people is difficult when you hardly have any breaks. Lunch break, perhaps, but we have different tastes. Since it’s in Helsinki, I like to walk in the city alone. I know the centre by heart since I’ve been there many times. I do some sightseeing and go to school. Two flies at one hit, so to speak. The education in itself is engaging. I already know something about filmmaking since I’ve studied screenplay writing, but a repeat doesn’t hurt. There will be something new too. We get assignments that we have to do to pass the course. The good thing about studying film is that you can watch movies or movie scenes. The problem is trying to analyse scenes. That’s what the assignments we have this time. We have two tasks since it was two days. The deadline is November 18. Our next meeting is on Nov. 17. Before that, I have no contact with my schoolmates. They all have WhatsApp, but I don’t. Maybe I should get it, too, so I don’t get left out. I don’t have any use for it, but perhaps I could make an exception this time.

Another thing I’ve done recently was going to an ice hockey game. The local team organisation turned 100 years old last Saturday. The organisation contain several different sports teams. One of them is an ice hockey team. It was an anniversary match, so there were celebrations before the game started. There were former players, including Saku Koivu. If you follow ice hockey or the news in general, you might know who it is. He used to play in NHL, in Montreal Canadiens, to be exact. Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony. The match was won by our team in overtime, 1-0. I don’t go to games that often. Maybe once or twice a year. But when I do, I enjoy every moment.

I’m going to see the movie ‘Amsterdam’ tomorrow afternoon (October 19). It features Christian Bale. I don’t know what it is about, though. I want to be surprised. I watch almost anything that Bale is in. There are only a few I haven’t seen, and one of them is ‘American psycho’ That movie is too creepy for my taste. It’s pretty expensive to go to the movies. I belong to a movie panel where they send surveys to take, and then you get small amounts of money. When you “collected” 10 euros, you get a free movie ticket. Sometimes you need to pay 3 euros, but that’s a small price to pay. I’ve already seen 4 movies this year. Tomorrow it’s the 5th time. I also went to the movies during covid, but not so often. I choose what movies to watch. Sometimes it’s not worth going to the movies because they will be shown on TV or streaming services anyway. Nothing beats a movie theatre, though. It’s for the big screen that makes a movie unique. Life without entertainment is no life at all.

I already have plans for next year. I’m going to see Robbie Williams again on March 5. The last time he was here was in 2017. I thought then that I wished I could see him live one day again, and the day did come. It will be the first time I’ve seen an artist twice. When opportunity knocks, take it, I would say. To think that I didn’t like big crowds when I was younger. I never thought I would, but I guess age makes you braver. You get used to it when you get out of your comfort zone more often. It’s pretty nice out there, after all.

Bloganuary: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

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Day 25. As Kelly Clarkson sings, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am much stronger than I was when I was a teenager. Life experiences make you stronger. If I hadn’t gone through the difficulties I have, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. No one’s life is perfect. You learn from your mistakes, and you grow as a person. What makes me feel strong is knowing that I have survived so far. I wouldn’t want to be the person I was. The people I’ve met in the past and the people close to me that have left this earth has made me the person I am today. People who hurt me didn’t leave me bitter. I should thank them for ignoring me and making me feel worthless. It wasn’t my fault. I was only the person I was, and I didn’t pretend like they did. I learned not to care what other people thought about me. They didn’t have any effect on the choices I have made. They couldn’t spoil my life if they thought that. They were only cowards who had low self-esteem. I learned from the experience that no one could treat me the way they did again.

Listening to music has always been a good escape from bad things. I usually don’t listen to the lyrics that carefully, but sometimes I find songs that make me feel stronger. It’s not only music that makes me feel like that, but also entertainment in general. It doesn’t matter if it’s TV or movies. I couldn’t live without them. It makes the time goes faster too.

I feel strong too when I write. In English, mostly. If it’s blogging or writing fiction, it makes me feel better. I’ve got better at it. That’s the only thing I feel confident in. It depends what I write, though. If it’s for a job search, then not so much. I’m more into making up stories and sharing my thoughts about something. Doing things you love makes you feel strong. Other times it wouldn’t be as fun.

Chained to you

chainI’m not easily pleased. I expect too much from myself. I feel like I tether myself to my emotions. Things I do and the choices I make, I’m always doing what my heart tells me. I have unrealistic dreams which are the reason why they never come true. I’ve been through thick and thin with what I wanted to do for a living. Since I was a teenager, I wanted to come so many things. It depended on what I felt at the time. I never wanted to have a so-called ‘normal job’ One time I wanted to become a journalist. I even studied it. I wanted to meet celebrities and interview them. But the reality is different from the dreams. During my studies, I realised I can’t both listen and write. I interviewed a teacher and I just couldn’t keep up with what he replied to my questions. In the end, it was the teacher who wrote the final interview. The whole writing process and the stress in a journalist job weren’t for me. My motivation for a job like that was meeting famous people but there’s something more than that. I chose that profession because that’s what my heart told me at the time. Now that job would probably be boring to me. I’m indecisive and I have a hard time concentrating on one subject at a time. I always find negative things about things. I’m chained to my emotions and I’m a loose canon. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t found my place when it comes to careers. I don’t want to get stuck in one place. I get bored easily and I like changes. Maybe I’ve finally found my ‘calling’ in web design but it’s early yet since I haven’t found a job. My emotions are controlling this decision and also finding the courage to take the leap.

I’m chained to you, a life of emotions. I like my life and I don’t have the obligations other people have. I can do and go wherever I please. I could be sad about not having anyone in my life but as the years go by, I don’t really want anyone. Sometimes it feels lonely though. There are times I wish I could have someone I could be with. Someone I can do things with. I like the feeling of the thought someone only having eyes for me. Someone who thinks about you no matter what they do. I wish someone could feel the way I feel. Liking someone who doesn’t even know you exist, is difficult in the long run. When no one has never looked at you that way, it’s easier to fantasise about someone you can’t have.
But when I see people having relationships and it has its problems, I realise how easy I have it. I want an easy life without heartache and having to think about someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s selfish to only think what’s best for yourself but I like my freedom. I can dream about anything and if I want to do something, I don’t have to ask for permission. I can fancy anyone I like without having to make someone jealous. I also have more money to spend. What’s selfish is having kids because that’s what humans are made for. No wonder there are parents who don’t know how to take care of their children. It’s also selfish to have kids only because you want someone to care for you when you’re old. You might just as well get a pet if you feel lonely. Even they need care so if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you shouldn’t get one.

I used to like bands before they got big. I was up with the times when it came to entertainment. But then my likes for sport took over and I didn’t pay attention to anything else. I got slow for discovering new talents or hot movies. I wasn’t interested at all in these science fiction and superhero flicks. Batman was the only one. Star Wars was silly, Marvel was even sillier. Then these TV shows, The X-files, Stargate SG1 and Sherlock were uninteresting to me. I swore I would never watch them. New TV shows were even less interesting. Then came Game of Thrones. I heard about it so when they showed the first episode on Finnish TV, I decided to watch it. After one episode I wasn’t really sure about it so I watched another. You know when you open a Pringles and you take one chip/crisp to taste it. You like it so much so you take another and then another. That’s what happened with GOT. I watched one and another but it didn’t stop there. I just couldn’t get enough of it. In another word, I was chained to it. It’s the same with Star Wars and those others I mentioned. I can’t get enough of them. I still don’t care about Marvel except for Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor. I’m chained to them and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t really want to either. If Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t be in Thor movies I probably wouldn’t watch them though.

I wish I could be this excited about my life as I am about entertainment. I want to be able to make faster decisions about what I want to do in life. I wish I was someone who could be good at one thing and wake up every morning happy to be doing what I do. Now I get stressed about what to do when I wake up. I have too many choices. I know about things here and there but I’m not an expert in anything. Being interesting in a lot of things is not always a good thing. At the same time, having different skills does give life a different meaning. You see things from different perspectives when you’re not focusing on one thing. I wouldn’t be me if I was like everyone else. I like versatility and I would get bored if I hadn’t different choices. Things I’ve been through and people I met, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know what I don’t want to become and that’s a tether that can’t hold me a prisoner.

 

Tallenna