Disappointment is my middle name

Made in Canva. Photo from Pixabay.

October is here already. The only thing that I’m looking forward to is winter. But that will probably be snowless and grey. I always seem to be a disappointment in most things I do. Maybe not in other people’s eyes but my own. It feels like it comes vapor out of my head because things upset me. When others are having something to do. I just keep living in my head. I should do this and that but I never get around doing it. That’s why I’m stuck in a rut and I’m too afraid to do anything about it. It really brings me down. Life shouldn’t be this hard. It isn’t depression. Everyone feels down sometimes and that’s what I feel right now. It has nothing to do with the weather or anything. I find happiness from time to time. I don’t get anything done which is the problem. I have too many distractions.

People I know personally and not so personally all have some purpose in their life. My dad and my cousin have their own business. Both of them wanted to do something and they did it. I don’t have the same courage. Sometimes I wonder if they’re really are my relatives. Even my mother was braver than me. I’m just lazy and a coward. I can be happy for other people and I don’t feel envious. I’m mostly a disappointment to myself and there is no way out. I work hard, in my mind but when it comes to actual work, not so much. It doesn’t help much when I go on LinkedIn or other job search sites. All I get, ‘do you know this person?’ on LinkedIn. No, I don’t. I don’t why it has to suggest anyone. It’s weird to add people you don’t even know. They only appear because someone else probably knows them. My biggest problem is not finding a job, it’s about not finding anything to apply to.

I always think I should to this or that but then up doing nothing or something else. When I studied web design I thought about entrepreneurship but that didn’t go anywhere. Now it’s been about 3 years since I graduated and I haven’t done much since then. Not even with my website. Then when I studied graphic design I thought about starting something during it or after that. Nothing happened either. Now when I’ve seen works from current students in Helsinki Design School, my work is not as good. So now it’s October and I haven’t accomplished a thing career-wise. I can’t even call it a career. Maybe I don’t want it enough or I would have done something by now. Last year I went to an entrepreneurship course and I made a business plan. It feels like all of those educations they have gone to waste because all I do it complain about how difficult things are. No one said it’s easy because if it was everyone could do it. But I’m not confident about my skills. I’m in between forgetting design altogether or hanging on. It seems there are neither graphic designers or web designers everywhere so there is no need for my kind. Maybe I concentrate on that too much. Either way, my middle name is disappointment but I know I shouldn’t stress so much about it.

The bad news is that there is no news

white paper on a table
Made in Canva

Nothing new under the sun. It’s been a while since I graduated from the graphic design course in Helsinki Design School but nothing has happened after that. Why would it? There is never any luck. Nothing ever happenstance to me. Only crap. Many probably already have gained something from the education. I’m always in the same place, year after year. During the education it felt like I wasn’t that good in graphic design and nothing will come out of it.  Seeing other student’s work, I felt even worse. The portfolio presentation was awful. I don’t know if I even have any potential since I got no real feedback. My presentations are never any good and I hate situations like that. I’m nervous no matter how I’ve prepared. Standing in front of the others makes me forget everything and no notes help. Maybe if there would only be one of two, then I could get something out of it. I’ll never get any work this way.

All the job listings require at least 2 years of work experience. And a professional degree. If I did get a job interview, I still wouldn’t get it because I’m bad at it. No job search courses have helped either. No matter what others say, there is no use. No LinkedIn and that kind of places work either. People say it does but I don’t agree. It just doesn’t work for everyone. Especially in Finland. Being an introvert doesn’t help the matter. I hate it when you need to brand yourself and you need to have great communication skills. Then when my mother tongue is Swedish, it shows in my Finnish writing. But so what? How should I write then? Should I hire a writer whose mother tongue is Finnish? Then it’s not me who’s writing. The most important thing is being understood, right?

If I want a job I should become an entrepreneur but that also requires work. It also takes time to get started. I don’t have time all my life. I want results right away and not in 10 years. I don’t really know what I want any longer because nothing seems to work. It pisses me off because I never have any luck. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t need to do anything. Money doesn’t grow on trees but at least I could just be. I can do what I like. Sleep late. But the laziness strikes. I want to do something and not shy away from work like certain people do. When you read about entrepreneurship, there is a lot of negativity. You’re not allowed to do anything. “Don’t have your own business” “Go work for someone else” What if you don’t belong anywhere? You just don’t feel at home among other people. Is being unemployed much better than being an entrepreneur? I think not. Unemployment cost. At least mentally. You have to be social in the workplace and so on. Finding a job is sucks because it requires so much. Personally, I’m bored with it all. You just have to believe in yourself because no one else will. Let the employers hire young and beautiful people they don’t need to pay so much to. I have educations but no one wants to hire me because I don’t have enough experience in my own field. I don’t even get any free work. Thanks to a certain company. I won’t mention any names since they can come and get me. Maybe not but still. At least I got an interview. I was probably too old for their organisation. I applied twice to another company. That was a paid job. I won’t apply to that again. I got the hint. If I only could get the courage to start something on my own.

Certain people have no idea how the job search works these days. No one gets a job just like that. Not everyone is able to do just any job. Like cleaning. You should get experience in your own field and not take a job away from someone else. If you don’t know anything about today, you should keep quiet. “You can find a job if you’re really trying” Well then apply for that job then, self-centred bastard. Everyone doesn’t have friends in high places. Those who do probably don’t even need to write job applications. They want a job and they get it. In real life, it’s not that easy. A good looking resume doesn’t guarantee you anything. It’s what’s in it that counts and if you don’t have it, you don’t even get an interview. You get the round file or file 13. You’re not welcome to their little club. They don’t like you. Just like school. If you’re not the king or queen of the class, you’re nothing. You’re the nerd no one wants to become friends with. Why should you need to please those idiots? Let them have their little club. I don’t want to waste my time with people like that. I’ll rather be alone. At least I can have a decent conversation and nobody demands anything from me.

Source: https://pics.me.me/

Odor of conspiracy or just bad luck

odor of conspiracy
Made in Canva

Sometimes I’m a bit paranoid when it comes to certain things. If it’s about posting on social media, finding a job or making friends. On social media, it feels like my posts have no meaning to other people. In job search when I have an interview, it’s like they already chose not to give me a chance as soon as they see me. Then when I’m in some education no one seems to want to get to know me. They might talk to me but when the school is over they don’t even want to keep in touch. I keep telling myself it’s OK because there will be other people. Still, there’s an odor of conspiracy towards me. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. I’m not the one who wants to intrude in other people’s affairs. Maybe they didn’t like me but they didn’t really bother to get to know me either. It’s fine with me. They lived in another city anyway. People come and go. If it’s meant to be, it was meant to be. I’ve learned not to stress about having friends around. I’m not very good at keeping in touch with other people anyway.

What I’ve most doubt is becoming an entrepreneur. A lot of marketing happens online and social media. I can’t even get people to interact with me on my personal accounts. Internet is a big place and it takes time to get noticed. Unless you’re like everyone else. E.g. taking selfies and posting edited photos on Instagram. I don’t want to sell my soul to that marketing business. Or whatever it’s called. I can’t start anything just like that. I need to think long and hard before starting anything. I’ve already done that at least 2 years. I’ve searched for a job in the open market but no success there. That’s a conspiracy on its own to any job seeker out there. It seems a lot of people want to become entrepreneurs in graphic design or any other creative business. Even in Helsinki Design School where I studied graphic design. I was a bit embarrassed because they were so much better than me and extroverted. How am I supposed to compete with them? That shouldn’t stop me though. For a while, I was about to change my mind about having my own business. The way things are going, entrepreneurship is tempting again. It’s just that doubt in my mind that stops me from starting.

I’m sure a lot of people feels others are against them once in a while. It comes in thought, is there something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Here what the odor of conspiracy comes in. You think the whole world is against you but in fact, it’s all in your mind. It’s just bad luck if things turn the way they do. Not all things have explanations. Things just are the way they are. You can do things perfectly but still, something goes wrong. You can’t know in advance who you’re gonna meet or how things turn out. That’s what life is about. You never know what’s around the corner. It shouldn’t be the odor of conspiracy. It should be the odor of success. Whatever it is to you.