Odor of conspiracy or just bad luck

odor of conspiracy
Made in Canva

Sometimes I’m a bit paranoid when it comes to certain things. If it’s about posting on social media, finding a job or making friends. On social media, it feels like my posts have no meaning to other people. In job search when I have an interview, it’s like they already chose not to give me a chance as soon as they see me. Then when I’m in some education no one seems to want to get to know me. They might talk to me but when the school is over they don’t even want to keep in touch. I keep telling myself it’s OK because there will be other people. Still, there’s an odor of conspiracy towards me. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. I’m not the one who wants to intrude in other people’s affairs. Maybe they didn’t like me but they didn’t really bother to get to know me either. It’s fine with me. They lived in another city anyway. People come and go. If it’s meant to be, it was meant to be. I’ve learned not to stress about having friends around. I’m not very good at keeping in touch with other people anyway.

What I’ve most doubt is becoming an entrepreneur. A lot of marketing happens online and social media. I can’t even get people to interact with me on my personal accounts. Internet is a big place and it takes time to get noticed. Unless you’re like everyone else. E.g. taking selfies and posting edited photos on Instagram. I don’t want to sell my soul to that marketing business. Or whatever it’s called. I can’t start anything just like that. I need to think long and hard before starting anything. I’ve already done that at least 2 years. I’ve searched for a job in the open market but no success there. That’s a conspiracy on its own to any job seeker out there. It seems a lot of people want to become entrepreneurs in graphic design or any other creative business. Even in Helsinki Design School where I studied graphic design. I was a bit embarrassed because they were so much better than me and extroverted. How am I supposed to compete with them? That shouldn’t stop me though. For a while, I was about to change my mind about having my own business. The way things are going, entrepreneurship is tempting again. It’s just that doubt in my mind that stops me from starting.

I’m sure a lot of people feels others are against them once in a while. It comes in thought, is there something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Here what the odor of conspiracy comes in. You think the whole world is against you but in fact, it’s all in your mind. It’s just bad luck if things turn the way they do. Not all things have explanations. Things just are the way they are. You can do things perfectly but still, something goes wrong. You can’t know in advance who you’re gonna meet or how things turn out. That’s what life is about. You never know what’s around the corner. It shouldn’t be the odor of conspiracy. It should be the odor of success. Whatever it is to you.

Please drop me a bag of confidence at my door

confidence word in a bag
Made in Canva

I wish I was as confident in design as I am at writing fan fiction. I can use my imagination in that but not when it comes to other creative things. I feel I never gonna be any good. Even in the school assignments we have at Helsinki Design School feel like I have no talent at all. I can do crap probably but nothing someone would pay me for. Especially when it comes to drawing and illustrations. One of the assignments is to make a poster about your city or make something up. It should work as an outdoor advertisement. I make one of my city. I have this thought in my head the feedback will be “it looks too computerized” Like I got in the feedback on the Christmas card I did. I have the ideas but when it comes to making them, it’s totally different. Drawing on a computer isn’t easy when you only have a mouse. But I don’t think I can draw that well on a paper either. Please drop me a bag of confidence at my door because all I do is putting myself down. Posting drawings online or photos don’t get much attention. People just want to be nice instead of telling me how bad they look. If you got nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all, I suppose. The ability to draw isn’t important in graphic design though. There are so many better ones out there. If every designer could draw, there would be more unemployed illustrators. I shouldn’t feel bad about not knowing to draw because I’m good at other things.

There are so many good graphic designers so you feel like you’re garbage compared to them. I watched on Youtube a few portfolios where people show with motion graphics what they’ve studied and what projects they worked on. Most of them are in their 20s. How can you compete with them? They get a job before you ever do. I wish I knew at 20 what I wanted to do. Maybe I would got better or realised I’m not good enough and I would start over with something else. You need to have good ideas when you work with design but mine is not. I never get any new perspectives or fresh ideas. It feels like I’m not made for design. But there are other people who think the same some time in their life. It’s called imposter syndrome. Anyone can feel they’re not good enough. Also in life, you can feel you’re lying to yourself about your abilities. You don’t get better overnight. It takes time. I just hope it won’t take for years for me.

Design is not the only thing I don’t have enough confidence in. Also starting something on my own. It seems I won’t find a job in the open market. All they want is someone with years of experience and almost perfect skills. And young of course. Finland now has a new government but that won’t change anything when it comes to job search. If you have your own business there’s a lot of bureaucracy and also all about making a brand etc. It would be easier to get a job with someone else but when you can’t get one, what can you do. I keep thinking about this situation I’m in and there is no way out. If I don’t have confidence in my graphic design skills, how can I feel confident in entrepreneurship? I keep my goals small and one of them is finishing this graphic design education. What comes after that is a mystery.

A year go bye

winter landscape with a sunset
Made in Canva

No, there is no typo in the post title. It means a year is coming to an end and it’s time to say goodbye to 2018. As soon as Christmas is gone, the new year is around the corner. Today it’s winter solstice which means the days are getting lighter again. Good riddance most people say but I don’t mind the darkness. It only means you can walk outside without having to care how you look like. People don’t see your face and you don’t have to care about how your skin looks like. You could have a rash all over your face and no one would know. We got snow so it’s not so dark now. It snows now as we speak. It would be dull if there wouldn’t be snow on the ground at Christmas.

So what has the year 2018 given me? It didn’t start well. I didn’t get the job I went to a job interview for at the end of 2017. But it wasn’t right for me anyway. I probably never get a job interview again. Moving on.
I applied to a course about entrepreneurship in February but I didn’t get in the first time around. Luckily there was another one which I did get into. I wanted to do something and not sitting doing nothing. The course didn’t give me any results but it wasn’t disappointing either. I’m just not ready for entrepreneurship just yet. I’m still thinking about it but I’m waiting for a new year first and then we’ll see if I pick up the courage. Because let’s face it, being without a job is no fun.

I didn’t find any job to apply for so I decided to apply for education instead. That’s where Helsinki Design School and graphic design comes in. I got in the second time. One of the reasons were the assignments. I also wanted to learn more about graphic design. I’m really satisfied to be in this education. It’s a school I really like waking up early for. Even though it isn’t cheap but we only have to be in school twice a month. The problem is that you don’t get to know your classmate as closely as when you meet every day of the week. Unless you’re really social and make friends easily. The pros who educate us are really encouraging.

On a personal note. I found out I have 2 cousins from my father’s side. I always thought I had only one. We don’t keep in touch with relatives because they don’t keep in touch with us. I also got to meet my aunt who I hadn’t met in years for different reasons. If my mother would only be alive to know about all this. It’s nice to know I’m not completely alone.

So what have I really achieved this year that should be mentioned? Well, I haven’t had a soda all year. That should count for something. It started in January. It’s a month where you don’t drink alcohol for the whole month. Since I don’t drink it anyway, I did the same with soda. So no more Pepsi or Coca Cola. I wanted to test if I could resist temptation and I actually did. I haven’t had the need to drink soda at all. I think I’m gonna stick to this trend and my teeth will thank for it.

On blogging, I got new followers. I also got a domain to this blog. The Daily Post ended and this Ragtag Daily Prompt began. So that wraps my year. So how was yours?