Things going up the spout

explosion
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Things never go the way I want to, so I shouldn’t plan anything. All ideas going up the spout. Is it a failure if you only thought about it, or should you do things first and then fail? I have done both. Failed at a thought and failed in things I’ve done. I passed educations and all that, but nothing to brag about. I have had expectations, but they went up the spout. In a way, I’m disappointed with how things have turned out in my life. But certain things just happen, and you only have to accept them. Everyone isn’t made to be anything special. What is success anyway? I don’t know what it means. Staying alive is a success. Getting through difficult times is a success. Keeping on blogging no matter what is a success. You don’t need to have success in the working life to feel it. The world is too work orientated. A job is not everything. It’s nice to have, but it shouldn’t define success. The best success I’ve had is getting a drivers license. It might not make headlines, but it’s great news for me. Especially when I failed to complete it years ago. The second time around is the best.

Other people can live their life the way they want as long as they don’t interfere in mine. I’m not made for living a life most people do. I’m a lone wolf. I’m the happiest when I can be myself. I don’t need people in my life. There is too much drama, and I’ve had enough of those. They say having friends is good for you, but not for me. It’s the other way for me. It was different when I was a child. Maybe they were important then, but I’ve managed without any so far. I’m tired of trying to please other people. The world is full of fake people who think they need to be something they’re not. The people I know personally are only acquaintances, so I wouldn’t call them friends. I don’t spend any time with them. They have their own life and friends. I haven’t seen my old schoolmates for decades, and I don’t want to either. They weren’t my friends. Only classmates I spent some time with. I have nothing in common with them anymore anyway. Why dwell in the past? Doing things alone is much better because then you can do what pleases you. There is always someone too lazy to do the same things I want to do. Travelling is probably the only thing I don’t want to do alone. Especially if it’s abroad.

I thought about entrepreneurship because I couldn’t find a job. I went to a course about it, but that was 3 years ago. Another idea went out the spout. Now I’m not that excited about it anymore. I just don’t have what it takes. I thought I could beat the odds, but then I started to think I can’t even get started, so how could I keep it up. Too many distractions. I signed up for light entrepreneurship service, but that was ages ago. I was excited at first. I could try entrepreneurship without the paperwork and things. But like always, I changed my thoughts about that too. Story of my life. I never get things done. I’ve tried to find work from somewhere else, but I can’t find anything. They say there is a lot of work out there. Yes, but in the wrong occupations. I can’t become something else overnight. The jobs are most of the time in some other city than your own. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I’m fed up with all the job searches, so I rather want to do something fun and stress-free things. At least for now. So far, any ideas I’ve got has gone up the spout, and I have no energy to think about what to do next.

Slow movement

movement
©Mia Salminen 2014

Sometimes I hate it when I’m too slow. Especially when it comes to making decisions. Even getting up early in the morning is slow. The bed feels so comfy, and of course, I go to bed so late. I don’t have any reason to get up early, so maybe that’s the reason why I sleep late too. I’m not a morning person anyway. The only fast movement I have is neither walking nor cycling. Other times it’s just slow.

Every day I think I’ll wake up early and do things. But when it comes to it, I don’t do any of it. I’ve thought about starting something on my own in my professional life, but I still haven’t done much. It’s been 4 years since my web design education. It’s been two years since the graphic design in Helsinki Design School, and about 3 years since the course about entrepreneurship. I bet all those former classmates had done something during these years. They have probably become even better at their job because they have had a chance to practice. Before I wake up, half the day has gone. I have no motivation to make up my own projects. I’m not even sure what kind of creative work I want to do. Every graphic designer does the same things. I mean, how many graphic designers do, e.g. branding and identity for small and big business? Looking at what graphic designer do, in the end, it’s all the same. They’re only much better than me. People probably would say this about my designs, “even I could do that” That’s what one said about my photography once. Why pay for the service when you can do it for free yourself. I don’t even know what my style is. Nothing special doesn’t sell. I feel like crap when I see people’s work on Instagram who studied or studying at Helsinki Design School. My ideas just aren’t good enough.

A slow movement is better than being rushed. If you’re doing things fast, the result might be bad. I don’t know why people must be in a hurry in the first place. You shouldn’t stress about things, because then no one enjoying themselves. I don’t like waiting, but you don’t need to be in a hurry either. If things happen or don’t happen, it shouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe I’m just a laid-back person, and these things don’t stress me as much as it might be with someone else. It can worry me for a while, but I get over it after a moment. See, what I wrote earlier in this post, I’m already over it 😉

Long shadows following me

selfie shadow
©Mia Salminen 2021

I just can’t catch a break, can I? It’s nothing bad or anything like that. It only feels long shadows are following me whatever I do. Especially when it comes to education and job search. They say you should study, but what is the point when you’re not giving a change in the working world. You need job experience, but then internships are not one of them. Maybe that’s the problem, I only have them and that one part-time job. I can never find any jobs to apply to because they need people with experience. I haven’t had the time to do any job search since my dad still needs certain help. I have tried to look at jobs ads, but I haven’t found anything to apply to. Writing cover letters is not my favourite thing. LinkedIn is a weird place to look for a job. I get quite silly suggested from job alerts too. Jobs that I don’t even have training for. I wouldn’t search for a job there anyway. I did apply for one, but it was a bit strange. I didn’t even know if it was real.

I wrote about this in this post. It’s about Helsinki Design School, where I studied both photography and graphic design. They asked former students about what they have done after school. So far, none of my schoolmates has come up in the student’s stories. Most of the stories so far has been about interior designers and visual designers. There have been some photographers and graphic designers too. They write about, e.g. networking and about the pros who teach there. Well, I haven’t had any of that. Especially in the photography course in 2014-2015. Maybe it has become better after I went there. It was new at the time. There were a few students who were disappointed. They didn’t get what they were looking for. I didn’t either, but I didn’t expect anything special. I’ve probably forgotten all about what was taught there by now. The same probably goes with the graphic design one in 2018-2019. Former students who have studied in school have found their strengths during their education, but I haven’t. I’m still looking. So in that way, I am disappointed at the education. But also I got something out of it. It doesn’t get me a job, but still, I didn’t want to study something for 4 years when I already had for 2. Graphic design is not science, after all. I am a bit envy of the former students who have had the courage to become entrepreneurs. If you have clients already, it’s much easier to start.

I think I want to be my own president because then I can be my own boss. I wish I was brave enough to start something on my own because I wish I didn’t have to stress about the job search. I’m not an actor so I can’t be something the employers expect me to be. This month is ending soon but the year is long, so we’ll see what will happen.