Long shadows following me

selfie shadow
©Mia Salminen 2021

I just can’t catch a break, can I? It’s nothing bad or anything like that. It only feels long shadows are following me whatever I do. Especially when it comes to education and job search. They say you should study, but what is the point when you’re not giving a change in the working world. You need job experience, but then internships are not one of them. Maybe that’s the problem, I only have them and that one part-time job. I can never find any jobs to apply to because they need people with experience. I haven’t had the time to do any job search since my dad still needs certain help. I have tried to look at jobs ads, but I haven’t found anything to apply to. Writing cover letters is not my favourite thing. LinkedIn is a weird place to look for a job. I get quite silly suggested from job alerts too. Jobs that I don’t even have training for. I wouldn’t search for a job there anyway. I did apply for one, but it was a bit strange. I didn’t even know if it was real.

I wrote about this in this post. It’s about Helsinki Design School, where I studied both photography and graphic design. They asked former students about what they have done after school. So far, none of my schoolmates has come up in the student’s stories. Most of the stories so far has been about interior designers and visual designers. There have been some photographers and graphic designers too. They write about, e.g. networking and about the pros who teach there. Well, I haven’t had any of that. Especially in the photography course in 2014-2015. Maybe it has become better after I went there. It was new at the time. There were a few students who were disappointed. They didn’t get what they were looking for. I didn’t either, but I didn’t expect anything special. I’ve probably forgotten all about what was taught there by now. The same probably goes with the graphic design one in 2018-2019. Former students who have studied in school have found their strengths during their education, but I haven’t. I’m still looking. So in that way, I am disappointed at the education. But also I got something out of it. It doesn’t get me a job, but still, I didn’t want to study something for 4 years when I already had for 2. Graphic design is not science, after all. I am a bit envy of the former students who have had the courage to become entrepreneurs. If you have clients already, it’s much easier to start.

I think I want to be my own president because then I can be my own boss. I wish I was brave enough to start something on my own because I wish I didn’t have to stress about the job search. I’m not an actor so I can’t be something the employers expect me to be. This month is ending soon but the year is long, so we’ll see what will happen.

First post of the year 2021

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

Since I started this blog in 2014, I have posted on January 1 and this year is no exception. It’s time for a fresh start in 2021. Or where we left off. There is nothing much to look forward to for me. Except for the Elton John concert in September. Let’s hope so anyway. It was postponed last year because of the covid thing. Which is still going on, by the way. Some people seem to have forgotten. So wash your hands, stay away from crowds, wear a mask and so on. You should know the drill by now.

I never make new years resolutions. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I usually start doing things in March. In January and February, I only think about what to do but I never seem to get things started. I don’t know about the driver’s license thing. There are times when I think I might need it but then again not. I’m most concerned about passing the tests. I don’t I get passed the first time. The money might go to that the most. That’s what happened over 20 years ago. I also live in a city where places are close by so I don’t really need a licence. If I want to go somewhere I can ask dad for a lift. I don’t go to places where I need a car in the first place. I don’t know if it’s worth paying for. I have gone without a license for this long. I was more thinking about my dad getting older and he doesn’t want to drive long trips. I don’t want to own a car but you can still have a license. I really have to think about it.

I didn’t think about writing about this but there is no harm in saying it. I have written about becoming an entrepreneur many times on this blog. I wouldn’t want to do it full time yet but there is something called light entrepreneurship. I already registered up for one last year. I also have a business Instagram and a Facebook page in the making. But the problem is what kind of services I want to provide. So far I thought about graphic design and photography. I thought about web design too but it’s not what I’ve studied. Sure, I did but the real world web design is too technical for me. I don’t have enough of the material of my work. At least nothing good enough to get clients. There are people who have done it for years and I have only school material to show. It’s just so much work you have to do to become an entrepreneur. The marketing and all that. I don’t know if I want to bother. But then I have to do all the job search things and that’s not easy either. There are monsters in both ways. I wish I didn’t need to do anything. But I don’t want to be one of those who are afraid to work.

We’ll see what 2021 will bring. It’s still early days. So happy new year and that was my first post of the year.

Paint your love all over my world

colourful paint
Made in Canva

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.

I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.

If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.