When you’re a person who likes to do more than one thing in their life, narrowing them down is the hardest thing. Sometimes I wish I could narrow my interests, but I’m not that kind of person. I could have achieved so much more if I had only concentrated on a few things. It feels like time is running out, and I don’t have time to do anything. I need to have time to be lazy too. I thought I wanted to be one thing, but my interests got somewhere else. That’s how my life has been. So many choices but so little time. Maybe one of the reasons why I have had so many problems with decisions is that I think the grass is greener on the other side. Perhaps I’ve been too unrealistic with what I’ve wanted to do in my life. It isn’t a lack of support from other people. I subconsciously don’t dare to do things because I’m too scared of failing. Or maybe I’m just too lazy. It can also be like that because I failed many times, so I don’t want to go through it again. I know when you fall, you get up again, but still, I don’t get anything done.
I could have narrowed things down, but I like to be versatile. I never wanted to have an ordinary job, so it was difficult to know what to study. When I finally do, that’s not enough either. The reality is that some people are narrow-minded, even if they might think that they aren’t. Their opinion is that you need to have specific education and a certain amount of job experience to be good enough to be in their little group known as ‘their business’. You need to be a student or have an amount of experience to even get an internship. Neither way, you can’t gain experience if you’re not allowed to practice your skills in a job. I’ve started to believe I’m not meant to be a graphic designer. At Helsinki Design School, where I studied some years ago, I didn’t get the encouragement I expected. I got the assumption that I’m only average compared to the others. One time I got feedback on a poster I made about my city from one of the teachers. I should have done some research, and she wouldn’t have put it on her wall. I know my town, so there is no need for it. I just think she didn’t understand my style. One opinion doesn’t make me believe I’m bad at graphic design. Drawing isn’t my strong point anyway. It makes you think twice, though. It’s the same with photography. I doubt my skills in that too. Seeing other people’s work doesn’t help me either. It’s a little depressing. It makes me think I’m not good enough at anything. It feels like I’m an outcast and don’t belong to this creative business club. Maybe I have wasted my time and life thinking I have what it takes to be a graphic designer. Or any other job where design is concerned.
It’s a positive thing to have knowledge of many things instead of only having one narrow one. Both have a good and a bad side. If you know about many things, it’s also more challenging to choose between them. If you have a narrowed skill, it’s easier to improve that. Either way, both are needed. If there is something you can’t do, there is always someone who can. I only wish someone could have some use for my skills in the workplace, but I guess there isn’t. Too bad for them.
Day 25. As Kelly Clarkson sings, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I am much stronger than I was when I was a teenager. Life experiences make you stronger. If I hadn’t gone through the difficulties I have, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. No one’s life is perfect. You learn from your mistakes, and you grow as a person. What makes me feel strong is knowing that I have survived so far. I wouldn’t want to be the person I was. The people I’ve met in the past and the people close to me that have left this earth has made me the person I am today. People who hurt me didn’t leave me bitter. I should thank them for ignoring me and making me feel worthless. It wasn’t my fault. I was only the person I was, and I didn’t pretend like they did. I learned not to care what other people thought about me. They didn’t have any effect on the choices I have made. They couldn’t spoil my life if they thought that. They were only cowards who had low self-esteem. I learned from the experience that no one could treat me the way they did again.
Listening to music has always been a good escape from bad things. I usually don’t listen to the lyrics that carefully, but sometimes I find songs that make me feel stronger. It’s not only music that makes me feel like that, but also entertainment in general. It doesn’t matter if it’s TV or movies. I couldn’t live without them. It makes the time goes faster too.
I feel strong too when I write. In English, mostly. If it’s blogging or writing fiction, it makes me feel better. I’ve got better at it. That’s the only thing I feel confident in. It depends what I write, though. If it’s for a job search, then not so much. I’m more into making up stories and sharing my thoughts about something. Doing things you love makes you feel strong. Other times it wouldn’t be as fun.
There are two things I dislike the most. One is job search, and the other is working in a team. I dreaded teamwork in school. Pupils shouldn’t be allowed to choose their teams. It’s always the friends that get picked, and that’s not real life. You can’t decide in a workplace who to work with. When you’re a child, you need to learn that you have to work with people who aren’t your friend. No matter how they look like or what kind of people they are. No one should be left out of a team. That’s what a team should be, accepting differences.
Everyone who has looked for a job knows what the employers are looking for. They want someone who can work in a team. I can work in one, but I rather do things alone. I never know what to say in teamwork. My mind goes blank. I don’t know what’s worse. Teamwork or working in pairs. I have had bad experiences with both. In a team, there are other people to please. With one person, you must be the one who starts the conversation. You should never put two quiet persons to do work in pairs unless they know each other. I had to once, and nothing came out of the work. In those situations, I rather do assignments alone. Then I can choose and do what I like.
You would think adults would have grown out of choosing their friends for their team. In some of the schools I’ve been to as an adult has had the same problem. The teachers let the students choose their teams, and of course, they take their friends to their teams. If you don’t have anyone who even wants to talk to you, teamwork is awful. You would expect when you’re in primary school (elementary school) things like that would happen, but not in adult educations. I have had some good teamwork too, but when having bad experiences, I’m not very crazy about it. I don’t mind working in a team as long as you’re not treated as an outcast. You might not be the one with the ideas, but still, you should feel you’re part of the team. Teamwork shouldn’t be something you dread because that’s a skill you need. Some things you can’t do alone. You can, but it makes the work harder. I hope one day my bad experiences will fade from having more good ones. Maybe then my dread of teamwork will go away.