Tag: experiences

What I value in friendships

Mia2 Comments
friendships
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I’m old enough to know what I value in friendships. I haven’t been that lucky with that. From my past experiences I’ve learned what I don’t like in a friend. I’ve written about friendships before on this blog. You can find a few links about it at the end of this post. I have a few precedents of it so I know what I’m talking about.

The most important thing is honesty. A person who pretends to be my friend and then find someone else has no place in my life. I had a friend in school like that. There were days when she chose that other girl to spend her time with. I was just a substitute when she had a disagreement with the other one. With honesty, I don’t mean you should judge someone by the way they dress or something like that. Honesty is telling you they have another friend and not pretending they want to be your friend. I rather be told they don’t want to spend time with me than being ignored. It hurts more than honest words. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend they shouldn’t pretend to be so. Fake friends are easy to find. It’s the honest ones you have to search for with cats and dogs. If you had bad experiences of friendships, it’s no wonder you don’t want to get close to anyone or let people in your life.

I value respect in a friend. Someone who accepts you for who you are. A true friend doesn’t tell others how to dress or trying to look a certain way. Friends should respect others opinions and don’t start a fight over something they don’t agree with. We can’t always agree but you shouldn’t stop being a friend because they don’t agree with you. They shouldn’t talk crap behind your back. A true friend doesn’t make up rumours. I don’t know if my so-called friends made up some rumour and frankly I don’t care. They had no respect for me because if they did they wouldn’t have ignored me. A friend who spreads rumours is no friend. Maybe their own life is so empty so they have to make up things. Respect is also about supporting a friend in their life choices. If it’s about careers or relationships. A friend doesn’t put you down and saying you’re doing it wrong or you don’t have what it takes. Being supportive is true friendship.

Trustworthiness is important in any relationship. If you can’t trust a friend, you can’t really be a real friend. I don’t remember if I ever told anyone a secret but that’s not the only way to lose trust in a person. If a friend pretends to be a friend but still doesn’t have any respect for you, you can’t confide in that person with anything. The risk can be that the person tells the other friend what you have told your friend. So you keep things to yourself instead. Once you lose trust in a person it’s difficult to get it back. Sometimes it’s lost for good. It’s better to find new friends than trying to get the trust back. I’m happy I didn’t need to have these people in my life. I went to a Finnish Swedish school and when I got a Finnish only school, I didn’t see the old classmates anymore. I haven’t had any problems like this in my adult life. I’m just more careful when it comes to friendships.

I don’t deny my past experiences haven’t affected my life because they have. It hasn’t made me weaker though. Actually, it’s the opposite. The problem is not about trusting people, it’s about finding someone who has the same interests. Or at least have something in common with. I haven’t found anyone like that in real life. They always seem to be in a different wavelength than me. A true friend is someone you can confide in. They don’t judge you and you can say anything to them without having to worry they don’t want to continue the friendship. When I meet new people I always have to think before speaking so I don’t say too much. I wish I wouldn’t need to worry about that. Since I never had a friend who stands by me no matter what happens, I don’t really know what that’s like. Maybe I find that kind of friendship when I’m really old. Friendships don’t see age. In life, you never know. A friend can appear from anywhere. In this case, patience is a virtue.

Old posts of friendship
Partner in crime
Nothing on the horizon
Hey, fake person

Advent Calendar, Day 13

Mia1 Comment

two lit candlesToday it’s Saints Lucy’s day. She brings light to the darkest time and it also means Christmas is near. We had a Saint Lucy procession in school today. It’s a tradition in Scandinavia where one is chosen to be Lucy. She wears a crown with candles or electric ones. She’s usually blonde but these days it’s not that fussy which is a good thing. Anyone should have a chance to be one no matter what the color of their hair is.

The Finnish celebrations have been historically tied to Swedish culture and the Swedish-speaking Finns. They observe “Luciadagen” a week before the Winter Solstice. St Lucy is celebrated as a “beacon of brightness” in the darkest time of year. The first records of St. Lucy celebrations in Finland are from 1898, and the first large celebrations came in 1930, a couple of years after the popularization of the celebrations in Sweden. The St. Lucy of Finland has been elected since 1949 and she is crowned in the Helsinki Cathedral. Local St. Lucies are elected in almost every place where there is a Swedish populace in Finland. The Finnish-speaking population has also lately begun to embrace the celebrations. – Wiki

When I was in kindergarten I wasn’t allowed to be Lucy because my hair was too short. It went to my friend instead. But years later I got be one at home at Christmas. I borrowed an electric crown from a friend. I had a real candle in my hand and sang a traditional song ‘Sankta Lucia’ I read out something and then sang another song. It was much more fun only performing in front of my family. I was glad to be Lucy at least once.

Bespoke

Hey, you! Fake person!

Mia3 Comments
fakepeople
Source: http://picsonica.com/quotes-about-fake-people/

I can spot a fake person a mile away. It’s a bit exaggerated but close. I think you learn to see the fake ones, the more experience you get from them. First you see them as a possible friend but discover later that they’re just pretending to like you. They can already be your friend but still stab you in the back.

I had friends like that. I had a friend in elementary school who I spent my time in and out of it. We used to go buy candy after school. I didn’t know at the time that I was the one who had to pay for it. My mother told me later that she’s just used me for that. Luckily our class spirit was high so I had other friends. I was still friend’s with her but I saw her differently when she said something about me to another class mate who was nice enough to tell me what she had said. This person who I thought were my friend, the person who was the only one who attended one of my birthday parties when the others couldn’t make it (the curse of being born in the beginning of summer vacation I might add 😉 ), talks shit behind my back. I got to know about it through another friend which is better than not hearing at all. Which comes to the next fake person.

I flunked 4th grade so I had to leave my old class behind. It was a shame since in this new class things weren’t as good. The first year went OK but when the 5th grade came, it was hell after that. There was this girl who I went to the same daycare center with when we were kids. We became friends. I don’t know what happened but her other friend who were this who turned the others against me. My “friend” chose who to be friends with. One day she wanted to spend time with me and the next with the other. When she had a fight with her other friend, suddenly I was good enough to be her friend. One day she wasn’t my friend at all. This Miss Petty was more important. Speaking of fake. She probably thought she was so perfect. She couldn’t even sit at the same table in the cafeteria because she couldn’t stand my bad skin. This former friend told me about it. Well, I’m sorry for being a teenager. I was one year older than them anyway.
Once in gym class I accidentally smiled and this friend said to me “Don’t laugh at my friend” In this annoyed voice. I wasn’t laughing at her friend at all. It was just so immature of her by reacting like that. It was really childish when I thought about it years later. She was the most fake friend I ever had.

This experience did have some effect on me. I lost my trust in people and found it difficult to find new one’s. I learned to be alone. I didn’t need friends because what’s the point if they really don’t want to know you. I recognised they were fake. They pretended to be friendly but they just wanted to mock me.
One good example were when I went to business school. My class was full of fakes. One asked me if I had a driver’s licence and looked at me like I was retarded. Why were they asking if I had? One invited me to they’re drinking party. For mocking that’s for sure. It was probably because I was quiet. They didn’t even bother getting to know me. I happened to say something in class once and they gave me “Wow, she can talk”- look. Well duh. I might not say much but I’m not mute.
What I remember most of my time in this school was this guy who asked me if I’ve been in a horror movie. At the time I didn’t quite understand what he meant. “How come?” I said. “No special reason” was his reply. Only when I started to remember years later about this I realised, he meant I was ugly. If it had happened now I would had said something. “Well have you looked yourself in the mirror lately?” Or “yes I have” and would have said “Boo” in his face. He wasn’t good-looking either so maybe he’s been in one. I was only there about a year and then I gave up. One of the reasons was these narrow-minded class mates.

I’m much stronger person because of these bad experiences. I would never let people treat me that way again. I’m so used to be alone so friends only feel like a hindrance. If I take part in events or studying, I never even try to become friends with others. I rather meet people, talk to them possibly but that’s about it. I don’t want to get stuck in a rut. I’m my best friend. I know everything about me and trust myself. Maybe I’m lying to myself that I can be happy alone but at least I don’t get hurt my other people’s lies. Some might think this kind of approach is not healthy but it works for me. It does have it disadvantages though. I’ll probably become one of those old ladies with cats. Minus the cats obviously. I’ve accepted my destiny, to be alone without friends as depressive as it’s sounds. Alone, not lonely. See the difference. There are a lot of people out there who are nice and who are not fake. Those are the people who matters. But I’m just too lazy to find them. As long as internet works I’m never alone. There are fakes there too but I know one when I see one.