Repost: What I value in friendships

friendships
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I’m old enough to know what I value in friendships. I haven’t been that lucky with that. From my past experiences, I’ve learned what I don’t like in a friend. I’ve written about friendships before on this blog. You can find a few links about it at the end of this post. I have a few precedents of it, so I know what I’m talking about.

The most important thing is honesty. A person who pretends to be my friend and then find someone else has no place in my life. I had a friend in school like that. There were days when she chose that other girl to spend her time with. I was just a substitute when she had a disagreement with the other one. With honesty, I don’t mean you should judge someone by the way they dress or something like that. Honesty is telling you they have another friend and not pretending they want to be your friend. I rather be told they don’t want to spend time with me than being ignored. It hurts more than honest words. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend, they shouldn’t pretend to be so. Fake friends are easy to find. It’s the honest ones you have to search for with cats and dogs. If you had bad experiences of friendships, it’s no wonder you don’t want to get close to anyone or let people in your life.

I value respect in a friend. Someone who accepts you for who you are. A true friend doesn’t tell others how to dress or trying to look a certain way. Friends should respect others opinions and don’t start a fight over something they don’t agree with. We can’t always agree, but you shouldn’t stop being a friend because they don’t agree with you. They shouldn’t talk crap behind your back. A true friend doesn’t makeup rumours. I don’t know if my so-called friends made up some rumour, and frankly, I don’t care. They had no respect for me because if they did, they wouldn’t have ignored me. A friend who spreads rumours is no friend. Maybe their own life is so empty, so they have to make up things. Respect is also about supporting a friend in their life choices. If it’s about careers or relationships. A friend doesn’t put you down and saying you’re doing it wrong or you don’t have what it takes. Being supportive is true friendship.

Trustworthiness is important in any relationship. If you can’t trust a friend, you can’t really be a real friend. I don’t remember if I ever told anyone a secret, but that’s not the only way to lose trust in a person. If a friend pretends to be a friend but still doesn’t have any respect for you, you can’t confide in that person with anything. The risk can be that the person tells the other friend what you have told your friend. So you keep things to yourself instead. Once you lose trust in a person, it’s difficult to get it back. Sometimes it’s lost for good. It’s better to find new friends than trying to get the trust back. I’m happy I didn’t need to have these people in my life. I went to a Finnish Swedish school, and when I got a Finnish only school, I didn’t see the old classmates anymore. I haven’t had any problems like this in my adult life. I’m just more careful when it comes to friendships.

I don’t deny my past experiences haven’t affected my life because they have. It hasn’t made me weaker, though. Actually, it’s the opposite. The problem is not about trusting people. It’s about finding someone who has the same interests. Or at least have something in common with. I haven’t found anyone like that in real life. They always seem to be on a different wavelength than me. A true friend is someone you can confide in. They don’t judge you, and you can say anything to them without having to worry; they don’t want to continue the friendship. When I meet new people, I always have to think before speaking so I don’t say too much. I wish I wouldn’t need to worry about that. Since I never had a friend who stands by me no matter what happens, I don’t really know what that’s like. Maybe I find that kind of friendship when I’m really old. Friendships don’t see age. In life, you never know. A friend can appear from anywhere. In this case, patience is a virtue.

Old posts of friendship
Partner in crime
Nothing on the horizon
Hey, fake person

Originally posted: Published 2018/06/25 at 9:52 pm

First impression is not always the best

first impression
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I don’t why some people think they know a person after they met them the first time. The first impression is not always the best. If the person is friendly, it’s because they have manners. But you can’t know what the person is like. E.g. they say the first impression is important in a job interview. Apparently, it should take 2 minutes. That’s how long people I meet spend time with me. I never get any friends because they’re not patient enough. Being friendly doesn’t get you, friends. Not that I need any. I’ve managed without them so far. With friends, I mean, friends offline. I have friends on Facebook that I went to the same school with, but I haven’t met them privately. Two of them are my former workmates, but I didn’t spend time with them after work. Our interests are just different.

I don’t know what it is, but no one seems to want to keep in touch after an education. Maybe I’m just boring, and they don’t bother. I haven’t missed them either. They don’t even live in the same city, so we couldn’t meet anyway. Only losers keep in touch with former schoolmates. Not really, though. Only those who keep in touch with their old friends in their childhood. At least I don’t understand why someone should. It doesn’t mean they are losers. It’s weird people still meet their childhood friends. You would think they would have grown apart by now. Personally, I wouldn’t try to find old friends. I wouldn’t have anything in common with them. They probably have families, or they’ve died. I rather meet new people and not keep in touch. I’m not very good at that. Not even when it comes to relatives.

Some people act to be friendly, but they’re not really. The first impression of a person is not always the best. Sometimes I wonder why someone has got a job in the first place. Especially if they work in the service sector. No matter how bad you feel, you shouldn’t take it out on a customer. It goes the other way around too. I was once in a Finnish train station, and I went to ask the service clerk about which rail my train would leave. I said what train it was. The woman behind the desk said negatively, just look at the board up on the wall over there. She didn’t even bother to look at her computer. There were a lot of trains coming and going. I thought I would miss my train. I did try to look for it on the screen, but it was confusing. That was the reason why I went to the clerk to ask in the first place. That’s the worst service I ever got. How can someone like her get a job in a service business with an attitude like that? Luckily, I did find my train, but she ruined my whole day. I’m still appalled when I think about that day. Your bad mood shouldn’t affect the way you treat others. Rudeness is one of the worst things in the world. It’s much better to be polite, and it also makes the customer feel they matter. The other way around too.

I always try to be friendly with others. Sometimes I get upset at something someone has done, but I don’t say it to someone face. Unless it’s someone I know well, then I’m not afraid to say my opinion. If I’m rude, I’m not doing it out of spite. If you answer with anger, then you get the same. If the person is rude, you shouldn’t be rude back. It’s easy to fall for that trap when the other is trying to provoke you. That person only wants to argue. I guess when you get older, you calm down and don’t go into every argument. At the first impression, you would think I’m always calm and don’t give out my own opinions. But there are a time and a place for everything. Never judge a person at first impression because you only get to know them after a longer period of time. Don’t give everything out at once. The best part of any relationship is having a mystery to solve. You might even learn something new about yourself.

The past changes the future

Photo: ©Isaque Pereira/Pexels

Sometimes it’s better to be straight than being dishonest. It might hurt, but it’s better than be walked over. I wish I would have been braver when I was younger. There were certain people I wished I could have told where to get off. Like that guy in one school where I went to who asked me if I had been in a horror movie. I could have asked him the same. He wasn’t that special either. He was an idiot, and he wasn’t the only one. But that’s the past, and I have met better people than him after that.

It’s kind of funny now when my former schoolmates in primary school didn’t give a damn about me. In the gym, I was always picked up last even if I was good at it. Unlike that “bully” who was bad at it. She was probably jealous. Hard cheese. She probably never even had spots. I have never met them after I changed class in 7th grade. I was glad I got rid of them. I don’t care how they are doing in life. It’s no concern of mine. The class I was at from 1st grade to 4th was much better. If I wasn’t forced to stay at 4th grade for another year, then I probably wouldn’t have needed to go through this ‘bullying’ stage. In the 1st class, you had more than one friend. If one friend was ill, you always had another friend to be with. The atmosphere was very good there. Next time I had that feeling was when I studied media playwriting in 2002-2003.

In a way, past experiences have put me off friendships and even relationships. I don’t like that kind of drama people cause. I have met a lot of different people, but I don’t call them friends. They are more like acquaintances. Or people only walking by and then move on. I don’t believe being alone is bad for you. For me, it suits me very well. I don’t need a lot of people around, and I’ve never had. I can’t understand how someone can have more than 5 friends. It would be too exhausting for my taste. I’m not that depended on other people. When I was a kid, a girl had only one friend, but boys had more than one. Heaven forbid if you wanted to tag along with those other two girls, they looked at you like you were an alien. You knew by their look that you weren’t wanted. At least that’s what I have experienced.

The past shapes your future. For the better or for, the worse. If I hadn’t experienced what I have during my life, things would probably be different. You can’t change the past, but you can make your future better. If you can’t let your past go, you can’t move on because that’s what life should be, moving on. It’s really about your attitude towards the things you have experienced. You can either dwell on how you should have handled the situation or become stronger and stop caring what other’s might think of you. It’s your life and you can do anything you feel without having to ask for permission about how to be. The best revenge is not caring and moving on by doing what’s good for you.