They say educate yourself and you get a job
But that’s just jive talking
You don’t get anything if your not a certain person
If you say that’s not true you’re just jive talking
The same with friendships you only get one if you’re it
Friendliness doesn’t help because it’s about your looks
If you claim otherwise you’re jive talking
Bad experiences make you look at things differently
It doesn’t make you bitter, it makes you real
You’re only jive talking because you don’t feel the same
I’m old enough to know what I value in friendships. I haven’t been that lucky with that. From my past experiences I’ve learned what I don’t like in a friend. I’ve written about friendships before on this blog. You can find a few links about it at the end of this post. I have a few precedents of it so I know what I’m talking about.
The most important thing is honesty. A person who pretends to be my friend and then find someone else has no place in my life. I had a friend in school like that. There were days when she chose that other girl to spend her time with. I was just a substitute when she had a disagreement with the other one. With honesty, I don’t mean you should judge someone by the way they dress or something like that. Honesty is telling you they have another friend and not pretending they want to be your friend. I rather be told they don’t want to spend time with me than being ignored. It hurts more than honest words. If someone doesn’t want to be my friend they shouldn’t pretend to be so. Fake friends are easy to find. It’s the honest ones you have to search for with cats and dogs. If you had bad experiences of friendships, it’s no wonder you don’t want to get close to anyone or let people in your life.
I value respect in a friend. Someone who accepts you for who you are. A true friend doesn’t tell others how to dress or trying to look a certain way. Friends should respect others opinions and don’t start a fight over something they don’t agree with. We can’t always agree but you shouldn’t stop being a friend because they don’t agree with you. They shouldn’t talk crap behind your back. A true friend doesn’t make up rumours. I don’t know if my so-called friends made up some rumour and frankly I don’t care. They had no respect for me because if they did they wouldn’t have ignored me. A friend who spreads rumours is no friend. Maybe their own life is so empty so they have to make up things. Respect is also about supporting a friend in their life choices. If it’s about careers or relationships. A friend doesn’t put you down and saying you’re doing it wrong or you don’t have what it takes. Being supportive is true friendship.
Trustworthiness is important in any relationship. If you can’t trust a friend, you can’t really be a real friend. I don’t remember if I ever told anyone a secret but that’s not the only way to lose trust in a person. If a friend pretends to be a friend but still doesn’t have any respect for you, you can’t confide in that person with anything. The risk can be that the person tells the other friend what you have told your friend. So you keep things to yourself instead. Once you lose trust in a person it’s difficult to get it back. Sometimes it’s lost for good. It’s better to find new friends than trying to get the trust back. I’m happy I didn’t need to have these people in my life. I went to a Finnish Swedish school and when I got a Finnish only school, I didn’t see the old classmates anymore. I haven’t had any problems like this in my adult life. I’m just more careful when it comes to friendships.
I don’t deny my past experiences haven’t affected my life because they have. It hasn’t made me weaker though. Actually, it’s the opposite. The problem is not about trusting people, it’s about finding someone who has the same interests. Or at least have something in common with. I haven’t found anyone like that in real life. They always seem to be in a different wavelength than me. A true friend is someone you can confide in. They don’t judge you and you can say anything to them without having to worry they don’t want to continue the friendship. When I meet new people I always have to think before speaking so I don’t say too much. I wish I wouldn’t need to worry about that. Since I never had a friend who stands by me no matter what happens, I don’t really know what that’s like. Maybe I find that kind of friendship when I’m really old. Friendships don’t see age. In life, you never know. A friend can appear from anywhere. In this case, patience is a virtue.
Look to the future and don’t dwell in the past. But what if you feel there’s nothing on the horizon. Then you look to the present. That’s where the most important things are. Sometimes looking to the past is a reminder what you’ve been through. You learn from your mistakes and you make sure they won’t happen again. The people you met in the past and the experiences you’ve experienced, moulds you into the person you become. You could put the blame on the people that hurt you or it can make you stronger.
I thought about the years I had in school the other night. About my old schoolmates. Some of them were my friends and some were not. There was one in particular who only wanted to be my friend when she had a fight with her other friend. I don’t know what kind of issue they both had. Now when thinking about it, it was really childish behaviour from them. I always wondered why girls only spend time with their best friend and no one else are allowed to be with them. When boys socialise, they can be friends with a lot of other boys. Maybe there’s more jealousy between girls which is the reason you hardly see girl groups with more than two people. Since those experiences with fake friends, I refused to be a substitute for anyone. I prefer being a loner. If I meet new people, I hardly get to know them. I can talk to people, but that’s as far as it goes. I don’t even suggest them if we could keep in touch. If they want, they can take the first step. The older I get, the less important having friends is. It’s an introvert thing I suppose. If you don’t ask, I don’t tell. Foreigners who live in Finland, say how difficult it is to become friends with Finns. But it’s also difficult for Finns to become friends with other Finns.
Life is too short to have fake friends. A true friend is someone who stands by you through the bad times. I guess all those true ones have lost their way because I haven’t found one. I really have had bad luck with friends. One moved to another city with her family after 1st grade. One I thought was my friend, talked bad things about me behind my back. The same with another friend in 5th grade. It’s no wonder my trust in another people is the way it is. One through friend, my mother, passed away but that’s something you can’t control. Having friends online is different from the ones offline. But that’s better than having no friends at all. In a way, friendships are a little important to me. I wouldn’t mind if I had at least one friend close by but no one is on the horizon right now. I am alone but not lonely.