First of all, I’m in pain. I don’t what it is. Maybe there’s something in my teeth that causes me a headache. It’s been a couple of days. The pain comes and goes in different parts of my head. It’s more of a throbbing than pain but still, I feel like passing out. Painkillers help at least for a while. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged as much as I wished. The other is watching sport on TV but that’s another matter. I try to make some sense in this blog post despite how I feel right now.
I always seem to have enthusiasm for about 4 minutes in different things and then I skip the whole idea. I was excited about photography for years but then I got over that. Now I only photograph occasionally. Then I got the enthusiasm of web design. But now that feels like an unrealistic dream too. The last is graphic design but now I don’t feel that excited about it. Maybe because finding job experience is like trying to search for your lost youth. The entrepreneurship was exciting at first but now I’m not so sure about that. I just don’t what to do with my lack of enthusiasm. I have an attention span of a child. I get excited about things but then it only lasts for a short while and I want something else instead. Especially if it’s something I bought online. I get enthusiastic when I order it but when it finally arrives it feels empty inside. It’s a bad habit and it can become an addiction if you’re not careful. It’s so easy to buy things online. I’ve bought movies on Blu-ray but some of them I still haven’t watched. I just haven’t find the time and strength to watch them. I hope I will though.
Last time I felt enthusiasm was this week when I had to take my dad’s old smartphone because the microphone on my mobile doesn’t work anymore. I thought now I can use Instagram and take better photos. But it doesn’t want to install it. Actually, Google doesn’t let me. That goes with any social media apps. I have those on my tablet but that shouldn’t matter. I’ve tried to search for a solution online but none of them helped at all. I’ve signed into my Google and Google Play accounts but nothing works. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need those apps on my phone anyway. I can’t share anything which is the only downside. Expect if I download the photos on my laptop through Bluetooth. That rules out Instagram but honestly, I’m not a big fan of it. I thought of deleting the whole account. At least not post there anymore. My enthusiasm has calmed down since I got my dads phone. Now the smartphone is just like my old phone. For calling and texting mostly. My old phone is still much better than any smartphones out there. A shame I can’t call anyone with it anymore.
Another day, another Monday. Some school begins and some go back to work. But when I wake up I smell the meh. I don’t wake up in the morning, I wake up in the middle of the day. Sometimes it’s even later. At least I wake up. Even if I love sleeping I couldn’t do it all day. I still have things to do. Most of my days are boring though. Maybe in a way, it’s my own fault for not being initiative enough. I have different thoughts about what to do but I never do anything about it. It’s the start that’s the hardest. Especially when you’re so used to not doing anything meaningful. It doesn’t help much when the rest of the world is the way it is. Demanding and the go-getter’s mentality.
Sorry got to bore you with this job search thing again. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about that but somehow it has turned into that. I looked through web and graphic designer job ads but none of those is suitable for me. Then there’s LinkedIn but that’s a place for people who only want to use for their own advantages. All those job search tips you find online doesn’t work for everyone. Actually, the whole job search business is repulsive. You have to be some kind of product to get anywhere. You also need massive skills and I have none of that. I hate writing cover letters because I’m bad at it. What’s the point of wasting time on those when you won’t get anything anyway? Then you need to know how much salary you want. If you say too little or too much you will look like an amateur. Then it’s the age thing. You’re too old for an internship and too young to retire. All these job search things make me feeling the blues. Maybe working with someone else with other people around isn’t really my thing. I don’t want that much drama. With other people, I can’t be myself. In the workplace, you have to be social. I don’t know why that’s so important. A lot of people are on their phones so they’re not social either so what makes them different from me I wonder. The phone probably.
Autumn/Fall is coming and I have nothing good to wake up too. I applied for a course in digital marketing and e-commerce but I have to wait until October to find out if I got in or not. I don’t know if I should start something else just in case I don’t. I do have a feeling I won’t get in but that feeling could be wrong. I’ve written before about light entrepreneurship on this blog which I mean by something else. That will get more me problems. It would be different if I had a job. That’s probably not the biggest problem though. I don’t know if I’m good enough to earn clients. The competition is so hard out there. It puts me down how good some people are and I’m just an amateur who probably isn’t any good after all. I’m also not motivated enough to get any better.
This is quite a downer for a blog post. But I’m really not depressed or anything. I do wake up and I’m glad I’m alive. It’s the small things that want me to wake up. I just wish I didn’t sleep so late but it has become a habit. I’m one of those who wants to stay up late and then regret it in the morning. In my case, in the middle of the day. Maybe if I had someone who would wake me up before they go-go (Wham pun) I would wake up earlier. Since I don’t, I can only wake up when I don’t want to sleep any longer.
Coming up with an ingenuity that no one has yet discovered is not an easy task. But if it was easy everyone would be a genius. Maybe someone would have found a cure to all the wrong things that happen in life. Sometimes things are what they are and you can really do anything about it. You just have to accept it and move on. There have been times when I thought I made the best ingenuity ever but they turned to shit. One of them was when I planned what my blog would be about. Not only on WordPress but also on Tumblr. The later is a bit of a disappointment. Their whole concept is boring these days anyway. And it’s not because they turned off all the explicit stuff. It’s actually a good thing. It means no more pornographic followers. Those annoyed me the most since my Tumblr’s was nothing about that. There are no decent posts to reblog either so I don’t use it as often as I used to. Besides, Tumblr had some weird stuff and I wouldn’t recommend it to any sane person. Well, I used it so what does that say about me. It does have decent things there too so it’s not all bad.
I’ve had so many bad ideas about occupations and educations so I doubt I get anything right. I’m still disappointed about some of the feedback I got from a school assignment at Helsinki Design School and the portfolio presentation. So I’m gonna complain about that again. I thought I could do graphic design but the education made me think maybe I don’t have what it takes. It made me feel like a loser who thinks too highly of themselves. I don’t exactly get hundreds of views or likes on work I’ve posted online. It feels like talking to a wall. I don’t have the ingenuity that you probably need if you want to work with design. Practice makes you better but my motivation is low so I don’t feel like it. I have this demon on my shoulder saying, then give up, but then the angel says, no don’t. The reason why I went to this education was to add a service to my possible web design business but it hasn’t gone as I thought. Not having enough confident of my skills it’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to hire me for their project. In design, it’s important to know people and I don’t know anyone.
I applied to employment training in digital marketing and e-commerce just to have a plan and because I’m interested in it. It’s a long way to that and I don’t even if I get in the course. For now, that is some kind of ingenuity for the near future. Having many backup plans is never a bad thing. If it’s good or not will remain to be seen.