(Warning! This post contains some harmless self-loathing)
Thinking of my life so far, it has really been very inefficient. I don’t really have anything special to tell the future generations. My biggest achievement is probably staying alive this far. Or I haven’t killed anyone yet. That counts for something, doesn’t it? It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s more about not having the courage to do things. When I do, it takes slowly. I feel like sloths, you know those animals. Since I had to do 4th grade twice, it felt like I’m a step behind from my own age group. Figuratively speaking, I’m still in high school and the others are already at the University. But you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. We all walk different paths.
When I meet new people I never find anything in common with them because they’re on a different wavelength than me. I find it difficult to become friends with anybody because of that. I’m an adult but yet a teenager. I should have decided what to do with my life already. But I think and think without getting much out of it. Like this entrepreneur course, I’m attending. Some are almost ready to start trying to have their own business. I’m a dreamer and not a doer. I’m brave in my head but the reality is totally different. I wish I could be like my father. When he decided to have his own, he started it. But he also had experience from working with someone else. I’ve never had a paid job in my life. I’m this micro human who is invisible because of being too cautious.
At least I have tried something and not stay put. I always want to learn something new and that way improves myself. But sometimes I think they’ve all been in vain. What’s the point having learned new things if you can’t practice them for real? My hopes have been dashed several times which makes me want to try things even less. It’s like an extrovert saying to an introvert to talk more. It’s easy for another person to say, do this and do that. It takes me a lot of effort to decide things. I wish I was brave enough and maybe I would be more confident to take risks. Maybe it gets better with age. A lot of age. I really hope it won’t take that long because life is short.