The bad news is that there is no news

white paper on a table
Made in Canva

Nothing new under the sun. It’s been a while since I graduated from the graphic design course in Helsinki Design School but nothing has happened after that. Why would it? There is never any luck. Nothing ever happenstance to me. Only crap. Many probably already have gained something from the education. I’m always in the same place, year after year. During the education it felt like I wasn’t that good in graphic design and nothing will come out of it.  Seeing other student’s work, I felt even worse. The portfolio presentation was awful. I don’t know if I even have any potential since I got no real feedback. My presentations are never any good and I hate situations like that. I’m nervous no matter how I’ve prepared. Standing in front of the others makes me forget everything and no notes help. Maybe if there would only be one of two, then I could get something out of it. I’ll never get any work this way.

All the job listings require at least 2 years of work experience. And a professional degree. If I did get a job interview, I still wouldn’t get it because I’m bad at it. No job search courses have helped either. No matter what others say, there is no use. No LinkedIn and that kind of places work either. People say it does but I don’t agree. It just doesn’t work for everyone. Especially in Finland. Being an introvert doesn’t help the matter. I hate it when you need to brand yourself and you need to have great communication skills. Then when my mother tongue is Swedish, it shows in my Finnish writing. But so what? How should I write then? Should I hire a writer whose mother tongue is Finnish? Then it’s not me who’s writing. The most important thing is being understood, right?

If I want a job I should become an entrepreneur but that also requires work. It also takes time to get started. I don’t have time all my life. I want results right away and not in 10 years. I don’t really know what I want any longer because nothing seems to work. It pisses me off because I never have any luck. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t need to do anything. Money doesn’t grow on trees but at least I could just be. I can do what I like. Sleep late. But the laziness strikes. I want to do something and not shy away from work like certain people do. When you read about entrepreneurship, there is a lot of negativity. You’re not allowed to do anything. “Don’t have your own business” “Go work for someone else” What if you don’t belong anywhere? You just don’t feel at home among other people. Is being unemployed much better than being an entrepreneur? I think not. Unemployment cost. At least mentally. You have to be social in the workplace and so on. Finding a job is sucks because it requires so much. Personally, I’m bored with it all. You just have to believe in yourself because no one else will. Let the employers hire young and beautiful people they don’t need to pay so much to. I have educations but no one wants to hire me because I don’t have enough experience in my own field. I don’t even get any free work. Thanks to a certain company. I won’t mention any names since they can come and get me. Maybe not but still. At least I got an interview. I was probably too old for their organisation. I applied twice to another company. That was a paid job. I won’t apply to that again. I got the hint. If I only could get the courage to start something on my own.

Certain people have no idea how the job search works these days. No one gets a job just like that. Not everyone is able to do just any job. Like cleaning. You should get experience in your own field and not take a job away from someone else. If you don’t know anything about today, you should keep quiet. “You can find a job if you’re really trying” Well then apply for that job then, self-centred bastard. Everyone doesn’t have friends in high places. Those who do probably don’t even need to write job applications. They want a job and they get it. In real life, it’s not that easy. A good looking resume doesn’t guarantee you anything. It’s what’s in it that counts and if you don’t have it, you don’t even get an interview. You get the round file or file 13. You’re not welcome to their little club. They don’t like you. Just like school. If you’re not the king or queen of the class, you’re nothing. You’re the nerd no one wants to become friends with. Why should you need to please those idiots? Let them have their little club. I don’t want to waste my time with people like that. I’ll rather be alone. At least I can have a decent conversation and nobody demands anything from me.

Source: https://pics.me.me/

Things I (probably) never hear or experience

four playing cards on brown table
Made in Canva

I’m probably the least fortuitous person in this world. Well, one of them. There are people who have it worse than me. I have a roof over my head and I can afford to buy things. But sometimes I wish I could have more luck in certain things. Here’s a list of things I (probably) never hear or experience.

Get hired because I’m an awesome and talented person
This is the first one on the list because this is something I’ve never been lucky in. I’m never been in the right place at the right time. You need to have some luck with the job search. Another thing is the skill. Especially in the design business, it’s very important. It’s also about who you know. Even though I’ve studied doesn’t mean I’ll get a job in it. It doesn’t help to have an online portfolio. Profile on LinkedIn and how active I am on social media. I’m no dream for employers when it comes to personality either. I’ll never hear, “I saw your portfolio and we want to hire you” Maybe not with those words but something like that. Job search is a circus where you have to be a clown to get noticed. As an introvert, this is not right. I think that’s one of the reasons why I never get a job. I’m not good at marketing myself. The whole concept of branding yourself is weird. I’ve got too many gaps in my resume so employers probably think I’ve been lazy or have some mental problems. I could have the latter by now but I don’t. Luck just hasn’t been on my side when it comes to this.

Getting best friends forever
I’ve never been good with finding friends. A lot of so-called friends were rotten. One pretended to be my friend but then talked bad things about me to someone else. I never found a best friend that I would still be in contact with. I had a friend in preschool but she moved to another city. I met a lot of people since childhood but I never found someone that ‘clicked’ with me. I’ve learned to be alone and that’s better than having fake friends.

Meeting someone of the opposite sex
This is the same as with the friendship thing. This subject goes to the private thing so I won’t go into detail. I’ll never meet (name should go here) If I did, he wouldn’t like me the way I like him. Because why should he? No one has ever been interested in my like that in real life anyway. I don’t fall easily for anyone either. I always want someone I can’t have. Let’s just leave it at that.

Dreaming and make it real
I’ve read a lot of stories about how someone has followed their dream and made it come true. But I’m not that ambitious. When things don’t work out I give up and do something else. I’m also too indecisive. I get an idea but then change my mind. No wonder I never achieve anything. I’m too much of a coward so I blame it on bad luck. If not that, the lazy person I am. Other success stories should motivate me but the fear is in the way so I just dream. Even the most successful people have fears but I don’t get over them. Saying get over it is like saying to a person who has broken their leg to walk it off. Failure is also a thing that can make a person not to do anything about their dream. I’ve always had a doubt in my mind that I’m the failing one because I’m not fortuitous in a lot of things.

Meeting someone or experience something by chance
Last but not least. I believe only other people meet people by chance. I never found new friends on holidays. Not when I was a child nor as an adult. I don’t travel much but when I do, I never talk to anyone by chance and not the other way around. At least nothing good ever comes out the little chances I get. I’ve seen Finnish celebrities in places I’ve been to and once bumped into one but that’s not the chances I mean. Chances like meeting someone you didn’t accept to meet and it would change your life. If it had I wouldn’t be where I am now. Nowhere special. I never accidentally ended up somewhere by chance. If it’s career choice or something personal. Not everyone will meet someone or experience something by chance. Sometimes you need to work on it yourself. If it’s meant to happen it will. Or it might not. You never know.

So there you have it. Never say never which is the reason I wrote (probably) Life is full of surprises. For example, a year ago I found out I had 2 cousins. I always thought I only had one. We should think more about the things we got. You need to accept that some things you can’t have no matter how much you want it. If you’re fortuitous or not.

Wake up and smell the meh

red alarm clock
Made in Canva

Another day, another Monday. Some school begins and some go back to work. But when I wake up I smell the meh. I don’t wake up in the morning, I wake up in the middle of the day. Sometimes it’s even later. At least I wake up.  Even if I love sleeping I couldn’t do it all day. I still have things to do. Most of my days are boring though. Maybe in a way, it’s my own fault for not being initiative enough. I have different thoughts about what to do but I never do anything about it. It’s the start that’s the hardest. Especially when you’re so used to not doing anything meaningful. It doesn’t help much when the rest of the world is the way it is. Demanding and the go-getter’s mentality.

Sorry got to bore you with this job search thing again. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about that but somehow it has turned into that. I looked through web and graphic designer job ads but none of those is suitable for me. Then there’s LinkedIn but that’s a place for people who only want to use for their own advantages. All those job search tips you find online doesn’t work for everyone. Actually, the whole job search business is repulsive. You have to be some kind of product to get anywhere. You also need massive skills and I have none of that. I hate writing cover letters because I’m bad at it. What’s the point of wasting time on those when you won’t get anything anyway? Then you need to know how much salary you want. If you say too little or too much you will look like an amateur. Then it’s the age thing. You’re too old for an internship and too young to retire. All these job search things make me feeling the blues. Maybe working with someone else with other people around isn’t really my thing. I don’t want that much drama. With other people, I can’t be myself. In the workplace, you have to be social. I don’t know why that’s so important. A lot of people are on their phones so they’re not social either so what makes them different from me I wonder. The phone probably.

Autumn/Fall is coming and I have nothing good to wake up too. I applied for a course in digital marketing and e-commerce but I have to wait until October to find out if I got in or not. I don’t know if I should start something else just in case I don’t. I do have a feeling I won’t get in but that feeling could be wrong. I’ve written before about light entrepreneurship on this blog which I mean by something else. That will get more me problems. It would be different if I had a job. That’s probably not the biggest problem though. I don’t know if I’m good enough to earn clients. The competition is so hard out there. It puts me down how good some people are and I’m just an amateur who probably isn’t any good after all. I’m also not motivated enough to get any better.

This is quite a downer for a blog post. But I’m really not depressed or anything. I do wake up and I’m glad I’m alive. It’s the small things that want me to wake up. I just wish I didn’t sleep so late but it has become a habit. I’m one of those who wants to stay up late and then regret it in the morning. In my case, in the middle of the day. Maybe if I had someone who would wake me up before they go-go (Wham pun) I would wake up earlier. Since I don’t, I can only wake up when I don’t want to sleep any longer.