To skedaddle or not, that is the question. It’s so easy to escape from things and places so you don’t have to face them. You stop thinking about it or you think you do it some other time. When I was younger I wanted to skedaddle from things that didn’t interest me. Or maybe it did interest me but I was too shy to approach the matter. I had mild anxiety and the only thought I had was to escape from the situation. One of those was about taking a blood test. Once I didn’t go even if the doctor gave me a referral to one. I still don’t like needles which is the reason why I wouldn’t donate blood. Hospitals are also places I want to skedaddle from. I can visit them but being a patient is something else. You want to skedaddle from things that give you anxiety or if you have had bad experiences. For me it’s hospitals. I’ve visited them so often when I was a child (my big sister was sick) so I’ve had enough of them. Luckily I’ve only been as a patient twice and those were awful experiences.
Giving presentations is also something I didn’t want to do. I hated those times in school when I had to stand in front of a class that I didn’t even like. I felt they were mocking me silently and it felt uncomfortable being stared at. I just wanted to skedaddle but somehow I got through with the presentation. In later years, I discovered if the audience was familiar and they were actually nice people, then giving a presentation wasn’t that bad. I still wouldn’t give speeches in front of strangers though. Unless it’s people I know somehow and they’re not that many. Presentations are much better than group work. I rather do that. Of course, it depends what kind of group work it is and with who. I think you gain more confidence in giving presentations if you do it often. Practice makes you better.
In life, there are things that make you want to skedaddle because you feel insecure. Especially young people who haven’t had enough experiences can feel anxiety to certain things. I’ve been there and I did leave a place without even telling anyone about it. That’s something I wouldn’t do today. Even if I sometimes have the feeling I want to skedaddle, I don’t. I face my insecurity and meet what is coming at me. If there are problems ahead you should face them as an adult. Only kids run away from conflicts or things they feel uncomfortable about. I wouldn’t want to go back to the person I was when I was younger. The feeling about wanting to skedaddle from places or situations is not a nice one. Staying and facing them is a better option because, in the end, things can’t be as bad as you thought.
It’s been said to me my wishes are too unrealistic. Especially when I was younger and I didn’t know what I wanted to be. Maybe they are but I’ve always been a dreamer. It’s a balance between dreams and reality. I dream too much and get very disappointed when the reality hits. That’s one of the reasons why I stopped dreaming about big things. But being a dreamer has good sides too. I have a very good imagination which helps when you write fan fiction. I’ve always been good at making up stories. Writing in general. I prefer that to talking. Yesterday I read an old statement that the unemployment agency had made about me when I was younger. It said I was not being social enough at a workplace. I actually had a good laugh about other stuff they wrote. They probably thought I wasn’t fit for work because I didn’t have a qualification at the time. Thinking about it now years later they were so wrong about me. All those psychology tests I went through didn’t show the whole truth. They tried to fix me when I wasn’t even broken. Everyone has issues so I was no exception. Today I don’t even care what others think of me.
Sometimes I want to live in my little dream world but other times I want to be in this reality. If you begin to live in your dreams, you can begin to think the reality will be the same. That’s how stalking begins. Especially when you’re a teenager. Some might think they’re gonna marry their celebrity crushes but in reality, they will never meet them. If they did, nothing would happen. They wouldn’t fall head over heels over them as soon as they met their fan. In dreams it could happen but not in real life. You need to have your feet firmly on the ground and face the facts. You read about stalkers in real life where they follow their former partner and think they would take them back. When it comes to another person you can’t control them to feel the same about you. Life is not a finished script that everyone follows. Reality is more complicated than that.
Life would be perfect if things went as planned. You don’t always get what you want and you just need to move on. We get born, we get good things, we suffer and then we die. That’s life in short. A balance between dreams and reality. I only wish my efforts would pay off once in a while but they don’t. People shouldn’t wonder why my inner life is more active than the outside world. I live in my head for two reasons and those are, I’m an introvert and the other is, too disappointments in other people. I don’t want to use my energy to things that aren’t important to me. It’s a waste of time to spend time with people who have no interest in me whatsoever. Like a Pin on Pinterest said, I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social. Reality has hit me so many times, dreams have become an escape. I’ve had bad times but I’m still here. Things could have gone the other way around but I still have my sanity. It’s because of my inner life and balancing dreams with reality. Besides, there must be someone with a clear head in this insane world. Everyone can’t be like a headless chicken with no common sense. People should be thankful for that.
My life has always been a quest for answers when it comes to what I want to do for a living. That’s probably one of the reasons why I haven’t find anything else that most people have. When others are getting married and having kids, I’m thinking about what I want to do with my life. Even people much younger than me have a goal. But I’m not jealous. I’m selfish in a way that I live for myself and I don’t have to financially support anyone else. I like the freedom I have and I hope it won’t change. Past experiences have taught me not to get attached to other people. It might sound sad to some people but I don’t see it that way. Besides, I hate trying to impress people. I’m too old for that. If people can’t accept for the person I am, then it’s really their problem. I change for no one.
Having different educations won’t get you a job. A great looking resume is worthless if there is no content. In this case, job experiences. You would think employers would appreciate that you at least did something but no only a real job with real pay is acceptable. I’ve had this thought in my head some days ago, ‘I’m not good enough for working life and too lazy for entrepreneurship’. The last one is probably true because I would have started it already. Some say you should apply for a job outside your own field but why study something for years and apply for something else anyway. I see no point in that. I will rather be without a job than be in a job I don’t like. I’ve been in those internship places and it wasn’t a nice feeling at all. I can’t even do all jobs and you probably have to have experience for them too. It’s so easy to tell another person to find a job or study to an occupation you’re not interested in. Life is too short to be doing things you hate doing. Job search is a business these days and you can’t just walk right in. Besides, some companies are cheapskates (or they don’t have enough money to hire) and they have no idea what the rejected feels like.
I studied a lot so it feels like I’m collecting diplomas. I studied because that was the only way I could feel I was doing something. I also like learning new things. I was confused about what interested me the most because I changed my mind a lot. Nothing felt like me. Once I wanted to be a screenplay writer and the next a journalist. None of them felt right. Even now when I’ve focused on design, it still feels like I’m not for that either. I should really feel more confident because if you don’t believe in yourself, who will? When I studied photography in this same school as I am now, Helsinki Design School, I wanted more than that. So I studied web design. Then I thought, I wanted something more so it became graphic design. I wanted to combine those three because they’re so close together. Even though I haven’t found a job, I don’t think I studied in vain. I studied because I wanted to. I experienced something I wouldn’t have otherwise. In photography, I’ve never been in a photo studio. Except when I was a child and we had a photo taken by a pro. But as a photographer, it was a new experience. You should always find something positive even if the education you have/had hasn’t been what you expected.
A last note about the post I wrote the day before yesterday. I sent the application to the internship position yesterday. This is what I wrote in the, why I’m good for the position.
I’m studying graphic design at the moment and an internship would be a great opportunity for me to learn new things. I have the skills that the position requires and I’m always keen to get better at it. I want to join an international team with the same passion for design as myself. I get along very well with people from different walks of life. I’m trustworthy and I finish tasks I’m given on time.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter if I get it or not. They probably gonna choose someone younger anyway. Since there is no pay, it isn’t really a big deal. But we’ll see. I don’t really even know if it was a job application or a registration. It might take a while before I get a reply from them or if there won’t be any in the first place. If it isn’t meant to be, then it isn’t.