A quest for answers

quest in scrabble letters
Make in Canva

My life has always been a quest for answers when it comes to what I want to do for a living. That’s probably one of the reasons why I haven’t find anything else that most people have. When others are getting married and having kids, I’m thinking about what I want to do with my life. Even people much younger than me have a goal. But I’m not jealous. I’m selfish in a way that I live for myself and I don’t have to financially support anyone else. I like the freedom I have and I hope it won’t change. Past experiences have taught me not to get attached to other people. It might sound sad to some people but I don’t see it that way. Besides, I hate trying to impress people. I’m too old for that. If people can’t accept for the person I am, then it’s really their problem. I change for no one.

Having different educations won’t get you a job. A great looking resume is worthless if there is no content. In this case, job experiences. You would think employers would appreciate that you at least did something but no only a real job with real pay is acceptable. I’ve had this thought in my head some days ago, ‘I’m not good enough for working life and too lazy for entrepreneurship’. The last one is probably true because I would have started it already. Some say you should apply for a job outside your own field but why study something for years and apply for something else anyway. I see no point in that. I will rather be without a job than be in a job I don’t like. I’ve been in those internship places and it wasn’t a nice feeling at all. I can’t even do all jobs and you probably have to have experience for them too. It’s so easy to tell another person to find a job or study to an occupation you’re not interested in. Life is too short to be doing things you hate doing. Job search is a business these days and you can’t just walk right in. Besides, some companies are cheapskates (or they don’t have enough money to hire) and they have no idea what the rejected feels like.

I studied a lot so it feels like I’m collecting diplomas. I studied because that was the only way I could feel I was doing something. I also like learning new things. I was confused about what interested me the most because I changed my mind a lot. Nothing felt like me. Once I wanted to be a screenplay writer and the next a journalist. None of them felt right. Even now when I’ve focused on design, it still feels like I’m not for that either. I should really feel more confident because if you don’t believe in yourself, who will? When I studied photography in this same school as I am now, Helsinki Design School, I wanted more than that. So I studied web design. Then I thought, I wanted something more so it became graphic design. I wanted to combine those three because they’re so close together. Even though I haven’t found a job, I don’t think I studied in vain. I studied because I wanted to. I experienced something I wouldn’t have otherwise. In photography, I’ve never been in a photo studio. Except when I was a child and we had a photo taken by a pro. But as a photographer, it was a new experience. You should always find something positive even if the education you have/had hasn’t been what you expected.

A last note about the post I wrote the day before yesterday. I sent the application to the internship position yesterday. This is what I wrote in the, why I’m good for the position.

I’m studying graphic design at the moment and an internship would be a great opportunity for me to learn new things. I have the skills that the position requires and I’m always keen to get better at it. I want to join an international team with the same passion for design as myself. I get along very well with people from different walks of life. I’m trustworthy and I finish tasks I’m given on time.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter if I get it or not. They probably gonna choose someone younger anyway. Since there is no pay, it isn’t really a big deal. But we’ll see. I don’t really even know if it was a job application or a registration. It might take a while before I get a reply from them or if there won’t be any in the first place. If it isn’t meant to be, then it isn’t.

Living on my own

pawns
Made in Canva

A lot of people complain about their relationship status. They’re trying to find The One. Finding that partner to make them feel alive. Some of them are afraid to die alone. What’s so bad about that anyway? You probably gonna do that anyway. No one knows how they’re gonna die. So that’s not really a good reason. Maybe some need someone in their life but I don’t. I like living on my own. I’m like Peter Pan who don’t want to do adult stuff like dating. Who would even want to date me? I never even liked anyone enough to date them. Only men who I can’t have. Relationships have too much drama. I’ve got other things to do and think about. Unless someone like Tom Hiddleston comes along (Which he isn’t) Then I could consider dating.

I don’t find anything good about being in a relationship. Men probably want someone who can substitute their mother. I don’t know what’s so wrong about being single. You read about these celebrities having a new relationship as soon as the old is over. Where do they find a new one that fast? Is there a store where you can find them? Then they only date other celebs. What’s that about? Being an ordinary person is not good enough for them? When I see celebs actually being married or dating a so-call normal person, I salute them. But they probably met through a friend or working behind the scenes in something. I don’t mean I would want to date a celebrity. In some cases, I hate the word ‘celebrity’ because they’re more than that to me.  A shame no one of these people is ordinary that you can meet in your local store.

Living on your own is so much better. You can stay up as late as you like without having to hear, “Close that television and go to sleep, will you?” You can clean your flat when you feel like it. You only need to wash your own clothes. You don’t have to take care of anyone else but yourself. You can watch anything on television without having to argue about it. You can meet your friends when it best suits you. Just to mention a few. Not everyone wants to have other people around all the time. If you want company you can go outside and see other people.

If you want an ordinary life with a husband and 1,5 kids then it’s your choice. But don’t go around telling others they should too because it’s so ‘wonderful’ There are people who don’t want that kind of life. Relatives are the worse in this case. They expect you to be like everyone else. Everything that goes on in your life, is no concern of theirs. You should be allowed to keep things to yourself. I don’t go and tell people how to live their life so I expect them to do the same. What I dislike the most is people telling me what to do. Forcing others to do things they don’t want to won’t help anyone. It just makes people agitated and conflict will arise. You need to accept differences and let people be (or do) what suits them the best.

So excited I can’t hide it

two lions sleeping
Made in Canva

OK, I’m not. You won’t find any ebullient in me whatsoever. It’s back to the same boring life as before. If I do have that enthusiasm, then it’s short lived. The only exciting thing I will have is back to school at the end of this month. At the beginning of this year I had ebullient thoughts but now they’ve faded. It’s still early though so maybe it will come back. You don’t need to start new things on the first day of the year. It won’t spoil the whole year. So I’m been lazy and slept too long. Maybe I’m just gathering my strength for February. I’m really slow at making decisions because I look at many different angles. I’m not gonna rush things. If others can’t accept it, then it’s too bad.

I really admire young people with their hopes for the future. Some of them believe they will find a job in their field after they graduate. That’s what I thought too. But life doesn’t go the way you think. Of course, it’s great if they really get a job. But everything isn’t that obvious. It goes with everything in this life. I had plans when I was younger but they didn’t come real. My plans have changed a lot since then and I don’t think I would want to have the things I wanted in the past. I keep both of my feet firmly on the ground and don’t get too ebullient. You need to be realistic. Life is not a movie where everything is written in advance. You can be ebullient for a while but then get back to reality again.