Tag: Life

Happy birthday and anniversary dear mum in heaven

Mia1 Comment
orchid
My mothers orchid in bloom 2016

It’s soon been 3 years since mother was taken away from us. She would have turned 71 today and my parents would have been married for 44 years. This post is not about celebrations though.
It’s mythical what happens for a person who passes away. My mother didn’t think anything happens. You just die and that’s it. I really hope it isn’t so. But no one will never know what really happens after we’re dead. Maybe it feels better to think that there are a life after this one. Death in general can be intimating for some but for me it’s just natural. No one get out of this world alive so death is nothing to be afraid of.

What scares me the most is what happens in this world. When I die I hope it’s not in pain. I hope I won’t get a disease like my sister and mother did. I’ve seen how it does to a person and I don’t want to experience that. But you never know what way you die. I could be walking down the street and bang, a car hits me. I rather die quickly than slowly and in pain. I hate pain. Even menstrual cramps makes feel ill.
I’m also afraid of dying before I get to live a life. Death itself is not scary to me. When I was a teen, I had days I wish I wasn’t alive. I didn’t plan to kill myself, it never went that far. But I was depressed when it felt like I wasn’t good enough. You say things when your angry but regret it later. It wouldn’t have been fair to my parents if I died. They had suffered enough. Luckily I grew out of it when I became an adult. Now my life is precious to me even if there are things missing.

Why do we remember deceased birthdays? They’re not here to see and hear it. I think it’s just a way to remember them. It’s not like we’re gonna forget they’re dead. We remember them at Christmas and All Saint’s day (at least in Finland) so why not birthdays. We don’t celebrate a birthday like a person who’s alive. But there’s nothing wrong with remembering a person who’s not. It’s a great comfort to think there is a life after this and thinking the person watches over you. A birthday of them is one way to celebrate the memories of them.

If there is a heaven, my mother would be celebrating one way or another. So have a happy birthday mum and we’re remembering yours here on earth.

Tallenna

Tallenna

In memory of my sister

Mia13 Comments

inmemory

Today it’s been 33 years since my big sister past away. Even if it’s been that long, I never really got over it. She was 10 and I was 6. I don’t remember much of that time. She got sick at a very young age. It was something with her immune system. At the time the illness was unknown. She had some kind of tumour in her brain since she had to shave her head. I don’t actually know what kind of decease she had. Losing a child and a sibling at a very young age changes a person for good. No one should go through it. Children should not become sick. They should live a life and not got banned from it. I can really sympathise with people who has lost a child or a sibling. A part of you dies and you never really get over it. You just move on. Life is full of unfairness. Some experience it more than others. Sometimes I think why do I have go through this. Why am I banned from happiness? Haven’t I suffered enough? Those are question everyone will go through one way or another.

My childhood was happy until that day. After that I wasn’t the same person. No one knows how to grow up without a sibling besides a person who lost one themselves. People bicker about how much they dislike their sister or brother. At least they have one. Try to live a life without a sibling. If you’re an only child, you don’t know how it is to have one.
I am a bit envy of people with siblings. You can never replace them. They are not toys you can buy in a store. No matter what your relationship is with them, you still have someone to share your sorrows and happiness with. A relationship with a sibling is not like an intimate relationship with your partner. You known your siblings all your life. They lived your childhood. They know the real you. Your childhood molds you to the person you become.

I can only speak for myself how my sister’s death has affected me. I’ve tried to analyse why I am the way I am. Why I’m not as brave as I should be? Why am I not a risk taker and so on. One of the reason is that I haven’t had that sibling who encourage me. Of course parents have supported me in whatever I did but a sibling is a bit different. My sister was good at making friends which I’ve never been good at. I always wondered how I got friends in the first place. Those friends I had didn’t really understand what I went through when I lost her. There was an incident in school once but I don’t remember any of it. My mother never told me what is was. Maybe she just wanted to save me from pain. Losing her first-born took a toll on her too. She became maybe a little overprotective over me but I don’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault. Other bad experiences changed me and not her.

I loved my sister and she loved me. A shame we couldn’t grow up to adulthood. My life would be totally different. I would be a different person. But you can’t turn back the clock. You have to live the life you’re giving. I sometimes think about how life would be if she was still around but I also think about how life would be now if my mother was alive. There’s nothing wrong about thinking what if. I do get sad when I think about it. If I had my sister she would have been a great comfort and wouldn’t feel so alone after mother died. She would probably have a family I could spend my holidays with. I don’t know what kind of job she would have but she would have one. She would help me find my place and my mind wouldn’t wanderer around in my head. I don’t know if my life would be happier but I sure would smile more. No one knows what life would be like if people wouldn’t die. It sure is nice from time to time to think about what ifs. Nothing will change but it’s great comfort to think about a life that could be.

I feel banned at times and think what have I done to deserve this. But bad things happen to good people. My sister didn’t deserve to die such a young age. My mother was also a good person but still she became sick. Diseases shouldn’t take good people. It doesn’t matter if you good or bad, death comes no matter what, deserved or not. I just hope my life won’t be all sorrow. I don’t want to feel banned but I don’t want people to bug me either. I don’t believe in God anymore (and I’m not a religious person) because I’ve lost so many loved once. Maybe there is a high power who decides who lives and who dies.

So today it’s 33 years when my sister passed away. She’s not in human form anymore but she still lives in my memories. I miss her everyday and I think about her when I’m lonely.
Be happy to have a sibling(s) Never take them for granted because some of us wish we still had one. See yourself privileged. Think what would be worse, losing a sibling or have one alive. I doubt many can put themselves in our shoes. You can sympathise but you can never know how it really feels like until you’re there yourself.

RIP Nina 1973-1983

Tallenna

Older but not ancient

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old_tripod

Looking for a job is much harder today than it was before. There’s so many young hopefuls who wants to become something. But without experience, its more difficult to get anything. But how to get experience if no one wants to give you a chance. Even if you do have experience, it’s still difficult. You’re either too young or too old. I think employers have too many high expectations on how an employee should be but in a way its quite understanding. No one really wants to take risks to hire people. If its money issues or something else. But if no one wants to give you a job no matter what education you have, how will this society succeed?!

When I look online where these 19 something are searching for internships and they have all these skills, I feel ancient. These are the hopefuls I mentioned at the start of this post. They all say they’re eager to learn and so on. But what about people with experience, aren’t they eager to learn? Just because they’re in certain age doesn’t meant they can’t learn something new. They’re older, not ancient.
I have never had a paid job. My career has never really started. But there are older people who got success at an older age. There are for example many actors who got they’re big break at 40 something. Not everybody has to have a career at 20. Besides it’s not old, it’s experienced. Some look at age too closely. That’s doesn’t make a person. It’s how they behave. There are older people who act like teenagers but there’s also teens who act like they’re older. It’s how you feel inside and not when you’re born. A person can have a lot of experience but when an employer sees the applicants age, they put their files in the bottom of the pile. It shouldn’t happen but it does.

Age discrimination is too common these days. I haven’t experienced it personally but I wouldn’t be surprised if it had happened. My mother used to say when you turn 40, it’s harder to get a job and she must be right. Revealing my age here, I am getting close to that age and it does worry me. I’m worried that I won’t get any luck even with this web designer education  I’m going through. What I know now about web design, I’m still a novice. There are a lot of people who can do more than I do and they’re younger. It’s a lot about practise. They more you do it, more it becomes natural. It has nothing to do with age. It might take longer to learn than for a younger person. But an older person have more life experience and that should count for something.

So say no to age discrimination. We’re older and not ancient, there’s a difference.

Tallenna

Tallenna

Tallenna