Day 16. I’m not really passionate about anything. The word sounds like you’re mad and do crazy things. I prefer to call it things I like to do. I enjoy writing, but I wouldn’t call it passion. I like taking photographs, but still, I’m not passionate about it. I can do without it. Recently I’ve taken photos with my mobile. I thought about becoming a professional photographer once, but then I realised it takes the fun out of photography. I wasn’t taking my camera everywhere like most photographers do. I could take photos if it was part of something, but I wouldn’t do it full-time. I like changes, so sticking to one thing would bore me.
Maybe my passion is watching movies. I saw my first movie when I was 3 years old. It was the 1937 animated version of Snow White. I still remember how scared I was when I saw the dark forest scene. I couldn’t watch any creepy stuff after that. I still can’t watch scary movies. The first time I saw Lord of the Rings- Fellowship of the ring, I looked away when the orcs were shown. I belonged to a movie club when I was 10, where they showed children’s movies. I went there with my mother. I’ve seen a lot of movies in the theatre and on TV. I always watch them until the end. I can’t understand why people are in a hurry to get out. I’ve paid for the ticket so why not stay. I also own several DVDs and Blu-rays. I just never seem to have the time to watch them. I’ve seen them more than once, but I also have discs I still haven’t watched. I’ve also studied writing movie scripts. I have experience in movie making. We wrote a scene, and then we shot them. It’s was hard work, but fun. It would be nice to volunteer in an actual project one day.
Another possible passion is music. I listen to it every day on Spotify. I also have the radio on from time to time. Music has helped me a lot. It’s very therapeutic. I listen to it no matter the mood I’m in. I like all kinds of music. It depends on what I feel that day. Music helped me get through my mother’s death. Sometimes I play an instrument. I own at least 3. I only use one, though. In 3rd grade, I played the recorder, but I didn’t like it. It was only when I became an adult when I learned to play it. Another instrument I can play is the synthesiser with one hand. I took classes when I was 6, but I only went once. My parents were displeased because they had bought me the instrument and everything. I have played it after that too, but now one key doesn’t work. Now it’s at home collecting dust. I also own a harmonica, but I can only play randomly by ear. Without music, life would be dull.
Passionate or liking things, it’s the same, it gives pleasure. That’s better than doing something you don’t like, right?
Maybe it’s the hot summer or because I don’t get many likes with newer posts, but blogging isn’t the way it used to be. I don’t know if if I should break the silence or put on the brake with the whole thing. There are days I think I might write something, but other times I think why I should bother. It isn’t only blogging but writing in general. It feels like all that writing work are a waste of energy when it doesn’t get many likes. I don’t only write for myself. I also want others to read them. I wouldn’t put them online if I didn’t. It goes with blogging and posting fiction, also with social media. Sharing is caring, after all. I could just write things down on paper or private blog. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t post things only to get likes. Internet is a big place, and you never know if anyone actually reads or looks at what you post. They might only click on like by mistake.
I haven’t found a cure for cancer or any other great achievement, but I wish my posts would have more likes after nine years. At least older posts get likes from time to time. Sometimes it feels I’m only starting with blogging. I didn’t expect my blog would attract the same kind of attention as some other blogs do. My life is boring, so I have nothing existing to share. Getting likes or not is not the issue. I don’t know what to write in this blog anymore. Maybe I just need to put on the brake and have a break from blogging a while. Summer is a time when people are outside, so they don’t have time to read blogs. Especially when it’s hot, I’m too tired to think about anything important. When the hot weather stops, I might continue blogging. But you never know, I might still do it. I never know when inspiration strikes.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.
I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.
If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.