Tag: motivation

Advent calendar Box 21

Mia2 Comments

advent calendar 21

Christmas is a miraculous time. Like the job interview, I got yesterday. I’ve never thought anyone would see my LinkedIn profile. That’s how the person who hinted at the job found me. Things like that always happen to other people. I didn’t think LinkedIn, in general, was very useful in job search. It’s for those who have a wide range of connections and had former jobs. I also don’t want to use the premium version that probably could open better options. I used the trial version but it wasn’t really for me. I don’t know how many Finnish employers actually search for future employees there. There are job offers in Finnish but much more abroad. Either way, it really is miraculous that I got a job interview in the first place. That doesn’t happen every day. I didn’t even believe it before I actually read the confirmation email that it wasn’t a dream.

If I get the job, it really will be miraculous. It’s not that I don’t think well enough of my abilities but I still doubt. When you go through life that hasn’t had much luck, you think you’ll never get anything good. As you get older, you realise things could be worse. You don’t need to live like anyone else. Have the courage to stay true to yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one will. I wouldn’t want to go back to the past. There are things that I could tell my younger self. But then I probably wouldn’t know what I know now. You live and learn. Learning from your mistakes is the best education you can get. I wish I would have done things earlier but it’s still not too late.

My goals have changed many times.  As a teenager, I had a feeling I needed to rush things. I wanted to do so many things before 25 and when I did turn that age, that so-called life crisis kicked in. I was so disappointed I hadn’t accomplished a thing. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. Others had a job and a family to support. I spent all my time thinking about career choices. You hear about 30’s crisis and 40’s crisis but I didn’t have any of those. Maybe I feel attracted to younger men but they just happen to be younger. Nothing to do with age crisis. When the time has passed, I don’t really want what others have. I’m totally fine to be free. I can do what I want and I don’t want to lose that. Maybe it’s selfish but so is having something just because the society expects it. I didn’t rebel when I was a teen like most do. In a way, I do it now. I like being different. People can live their life the way they want. I’ve made a choice how to live mine.

In his deep blue swimming pool

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sunbeam
Post title “I Believe/All I Need to Know” by Duran Duran

I have all these thoughts that simmer in my mind about what I want to do in life. It’s a deep blue pool but I don’t seem to find a lifebelt to save me from drowning. When I do get an idea out there, it seems to disappear into outer space with the rest of them. It’s difficult to stay positive when life gives you sour grapes. I keep searching for something but I don’t know what it really is. I used to have doubts about this blog too. I didn’t think it would get this far but I didn’t give up. People have found it even if it did take about 4 years or so. At least it feels that long. I wish I could be as patient as I have been with blogging. It feels like my life is getting shorter and I don’t have time to do anything before I leave this earth. But it’s not the end. I still have at least 30 years left of working years.

My life hasn’t been the way I expected it to be. I thought I would have a career by now but it’s not even close. I have no special goals and I have no ambition. People at a young age know what they want to do and they get to a position where they get experience. There’s a lot of younger people than myself who works in web design and they’ve come much further because they started when they were in their 20’s. I’m not even sure now if I really want to be a web designer. It felt like a good idea earlier in the year but now my uncertainty has come back. Maybe I’m just afraid to start anything. Now I don’t have a teacher to help me. Everything seems easy in my head but when the time comes to do something, I back off. I wrote about the life after web design education in my other blog so I don’t want to repeat things.

You might think only ordinary people have problems getting started but it can happen to anyone. Even the most obvious ones. For example, you would think someone like Tom Hiddleston would have got movie roles easily but it isn’t so. They say he wasn’t made for the big screen and that he wouldn’t get roles in blockbuster movies. Or something like that. If he had given up a movie career, it would have been a great loss for all of us who like him. No one has said to me I can’t do it but I can imagine how it would feel like. When I hear stories like that, it gives me motivation to not give up. If I only had the courage to do something instead of complaining about how difficult things are. Maybe they’re not at all but my subconscious is holding me back. I got through difficult times before and I conquered them all. What I plan to do next shouldn’t be impossible. It might simmer but not boiling over. I need to stay grounded and better things will follow.