Tag: my mother

IBQ Writing Prompt: Confidence

Mia5 Comments

Confidence word destruction

In this week’s IBQ Writing Prompt, it’s about confidence.

If you’re asking me then I won’t have much confidence to tell you. I thinks that has always been my problem. If I had more confidence, I would have achieved at least something to brag about. I know I can do things but it feels like others doesn’t want to give me a chance.
In school, class mates did never really pay much attention to my skills. Maybe they just didn’t care that much. I think it was only once that I heard a compliment from someone. The teachers of course gave good grades. Especially about writing.
I was never popular. I only had one or two friends. I was never very confident about my looks. When I was a child, some thought I was a boy. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t had short hair for years.

I get temporarily confidence. When I pick up the courage to talk to strangers, I feel confident. When I studied graphic design I got support from the teachers and class mates. That made me confident. But only for a while. I think, if I had a job, I would get more confidence. My mother used to say that the reason why I don’t have enough of courage, is because I haven’t been around people enough. And she was right. She used to be introvert when she was younger but she became more extrovert when she got older. She had a lot of different jobs and met a lot of different people. So being around other people helps to get more confidence.

I just need someone to push me forward. Someone else beside my father. Writing a blog is one way to get support and confidence. But it doesn’t have the same effect as having someone in the flesh so to speak.

If I had 3 wishes, confidence would be one of them.

What makes one person truly happy

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They asked on a radio today about what makes people happy. That got me thinking, what makes me happy? Nothing much. At least no big things. My life has been more downside than upside. But I’ve learned to enjoy the small things. Recently, just waking up and not stay in bed for too long. And I love to sleep. But you can’t sleep all day. Just because your life is boring, it doesn’t mean you have to stay in bed all day.

What really lifts up my spirit is walking in the park or take a bike ride. Nothing is better than a nice and warm day. Not one of those hot summer days. I don’t like those. My mother and I went to these long bike rides. We took some juice and sandwiches or fruit with us and off we went. But now when she’s passed away, it won’t be the same again. I probably won’t do those trips anymore. Maybe short ones though. But doing bike trips alone is not really that bad. At least you have time to think.

No matter how difficult life gets, there’s always something to look forward to. The problem with people these day, they expect too much from life. Why not just live for today? That’s what I do. I used to be worried about not getting a job. Even my mother were worried I would never get anywhere. I had dreams and I wanted them to become reality. I felt I didn’t have time. When I was a teen, I felt anxious because I wanted things to happen within a certain period of time. But as I got older, that feeling was gone. I was in no hurry. I wasn’t worried I wouldn’t get anywhere in life. I didn’t give up but I didn’t stress about it either. I don’t care if my life won’t be exciting. I won’t have any regrets when I’m old and wrinkled. It just wasn’t meant to be. If I ever get that far that is. You never know when things are over for good.

So what makes me happy, was the question. Entertainment of different kind. Since I was a child, music and entertainment has been a big thing in my life. I watched a lot of music  and drama programs. Both on MTV (when it still was a music channel) and Finnish channels. When my favorite boy bands were on TV, I was always taped their interviews. I have lots of VHS tapes which are useless now. There was this music video program called ‘On the air’ which aired on Super Channel (now called NBC Europe) It was more of a radio on TV since there were only talking and no picture. They had bands and artists guest starring. Then they showed music videos. My English teacher were surprised how good my English was at the time. It was only because of that program.
Laughter is also a good cure to sadness. Even thought I watched those comedy shows a lots of time, they still making me laugh. Not just comedy shows, also funny interviews with funny people. E.g. The Hobbit cast. When they get together, it’s pure fun 😀

I just couldn’t live without TV and movies. They make me happy. What else is there?! ⭐

When you have nothing to say

Mia1 Comment

Always been a problem for me. What do people really talk about? People I’ve met have never had anything in common with me. Why would I start a conversation with people I know I have nothing to say to. In school I never had any real friends. My best friend moved to another city with her family after 1st grade. Sure I had friends after that but they were never lasting. I had to repeat 4th grade and in 5th grade it turned to hell. I wasn’t bullied physical nor verbal. It was more like whispering behind my back and excluding me from the group. Especially this one girl, who probably started it all, but I think she was just jealous or something. People like that usually have low self-esteem. I guess that experience has had some effect on me. I don’t trust people the way I used to. I have come to the conclusion that those people who did it were just jealous because I could do some things better than them. What really is disappointing, is that I didn’t get any friends in other schools either. Sometimes it feels like I’m cursed. I’ve never had any luck when it comes to friendship. But I’ve got used to it. I actually prefer to be alone. I can do what I want and go where I want. But it has its downsides too.

I just don’t know how to start a conversation. I just can’t go up to a person and say something. My mother could always do that and she wasn’t even extrovert when she was a child. She always told me, I haven’t been around people so much. That’s probably true. But if I can’t even start a conversation with strangers, how am I suppose to get used to be around people. I’ve tried to be more extrovert but no matter how I try, it always feels unnatural. It just feels awkward. It’s like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. When meeting new people, I always feel tongue-tied. I just don’t know what to say. I rather just listen and give short answers if they ask something. At least I don’t blab nonsense. If only people would understand that I can be talkative too. It just depends what subject is. People just think quiet people stay quiet. I’m not quiet, I just don’t have anything to say.