An ordinary childhood turned to tears

two girls from the back

I had an ordinary childhood. We were a 4 member family who lived in an apartment building. We went on trips, had birthday parties, had friends, spent time with grandmothers, had disagreements and so on. We didn’t have any pets since my sister was allergic. It was a good childhood for me. But things wouldn’t stay the same. We as a family had to go through a tough period which is something not everyone has to go through. One part of my childhood ended in tears. My sister got sick and she was only 10 years old. Life wasn’t the same after that. My mother took care of her. We spent a lot of times in the hospital which is the reason I don’t like them to this day. I was only 6 years old so I don’t remember much. I remember bits of it. Some of the hospital visits and when she was home. Also something about her last days or so. One memory of it was that she couldn’t swallow food anymore so she had to be fed through a tube. I can imagine how my parents felt for losing their child like that. Seeing a loved one fade away is the hardest thing. No one should go through it.
We went to Europe after she passed away to recover. We were somewhere in Austria when the head of my doll fell off and I cried like it had been a real person. I think that was my way of mourning even if I didn’t know it at the time. I remember it like it was yesterday. The head of the doll was put back on so that wasn’t a serious “injury”

When you go through this kind of things in your childhood, it affects the rest of your life. When other have problems with their siblings, I think, at least they got one. They don’t know how it feels like to grow up without one. I’m sure I would have been a totally different person if my sister was still alive. On the other hand, if I wouldn’t have gone through it, I couldn’t sympathise with someone who’s lost a loved one the same way I do now. You learn that life is not always they way you want it to be. Nothing shouldn’t be taken granted. All you can do is grow as a human and enjoy all the small things life gives you.

I’m glad I had a childhood. There are children who have it worse. Today they have to grow up faster and that causes problems. Kids should have the right to play outside without having to carry their smartphones with them. It seems modern technology has made people lazy and it’s infecting the kids too. I played outside a lot when I was a kid. Today parents are worried something will happen to their children so they don’t let them go anywhere alone. But it is understandable because the world is not as safe as it was when I was a kid. I wouldn’t want to be one now. My childhood was safe. The first time I went to the store by myself, I was only 3 years old. I could only carry one milk carton though 😀 You couldn’t let someone that young go anywhere alone today. Even though my childhood turned to tears, it was still a happy time. I’m still here and I survived. That’s what matters the most.

Life has its ups and downs. Like in ‘Rollercoaster‘ by Bon Jovi. Life is a rollercoaster and not a merry-go-round. I like the latter better because drama makes life stressful when there’s a lot of that. Would be nice to have something good once in a while but you have to deal with the cards you get. It’s all the small things that make life worth living and that’s something everyone deserves to know.

In memory of my sister


Today it’s been 33 years since my big sister past away. Even if it’s been that long, I never really got over it. She was 10 and I was 6. I don’t remember much of that time. She got sick at a very young age. It was something with her immune system. At the time the illness was unknown. She had some kind of tumour in her brain since she had to shave her head. I don’t actually know what kind of decease she had. Losing a child and a sibling at a very young age changes a person for good. No one should go through it. Children should not become sick. They should live a life and not got banned from it. I can really sympathise with people who has lost a child or a sibling. A part of you dies and you never really get over it. You just move on. Life is full of unfairness. Some experience it more than others. Sometimes I think why do I have go through this. Why am I banned from happiness? Haven’t I suffered enough? Those are question everyone will go through one way or another.

My childhood was happy until that day. After that I wasn’t the same person. No one knows how to grow up without a sibling besides a person who lost one themselves. People bicker about how much they dislike their sister or brother. At least they have one. Try to live a life without a sibling. If you’re an only child, you don’t know how it is to have one.
I am a bit envy of people with siblings. You can never replace them. They are not toys you can buy in a store. No matter what your relationship is with them, you still have someone to share your sorrows and happiness with. A relationship with a sibling is not like an intimate relationship with your partner. You known your siblings all your life. They lived your childhood. They know the real you. Your childhood molds you to the person you become.

I can only speak for myself how my sister’s death has affected me. I’ve tried to analyse why I am the way I am. Why I’m not as brave as I should be? Why am I not a risk taker and so on. One of the reason is that I haven’t had that sibling who encourage me. Of course parents have supported me in whatever I did but a sibling is a bit different. My sister was good at making friends which I’ve never been good at. I always wondered how I got friends in the first place. Those friends I had didn’t really understand what I went through when I lost her. There was an incident in school once but I don’t remember any of it. My mother never told me what is was. Maybe she just wanted to save me from pain. Losing her first-born took a toll on her too. She became maybe a little overprotective over me but I don’t blame her. It wasn’t her fault. Other bad experiences changed me and not her.

I loved my sister and she loved me. A shame we couldn’t grow up to adulthood. My life would be totally different. I would be a different person. But you can’t turn back the clock. You have to live the life you’re giving. I sometimes think about how life would be if she was still around but I also think about how life would be now if my mother was alive. There’s nothing wrong about thinking what if. I do get sad when I think about it. If I had my sister she would have been a great comfort and wouldn’t feel so alone after mother died. She would probably have a family I could spend my holidays with. I don’t know what kind of job she would have but she would have one. She would help me find my place and my mind wouldn’t wanderer around in my head. I don’t know if my life would be happier but I sure would smile more. No one knows what life would be like if people wouldn’t die. It sure is nice from time to time to think about what ifs. Nothing will change but it’s great comfort to think about a life that could be.

I feel banned at times and think what have I done to deserve this. But bad things happen to good people. My sister didn’t deserve to die such a young age. My mother was also a good person but still she became sick. Diseases shouldn’t take good people. It doesn’t matter if you good or bad, death comes no matter what, deserved or not. I just hope my life won’t be all sorrow. I don’t want to feel banned but I don’t want people to bug me either. I don’t believe in God anymore (and I’m not a religious person) because I’ve lost so many loved once. Maybe there is a high power who decides who lives and who dies.

So today it’s 33 years when my sister passed away. She’s not in human form anymore but she still lives in my memories. I miss her everyday and I think about her when I’m lonely.
Be happy to have a sibling(s) Never take them for granted because some of us wish we still had one. See yourself privileged. Think what would be worse, losing a sibling or have one alive. I doubt many can put themselves in our shoes. You can sympathise but you can never know how it really feels like until you’re there yourself.

RIP Nina 1973-1983


If I could turn back time


Some things you can’t control. Like a death in the family. No one should go through that. Especially if you’re still a child. A childhood should be happy without sorrow. Mine was happy until that day when my sister died. I was only 6 years old and death is something you don’t think about. I don’t remember much about it. In a way it was good I was so young. I didn’t have to go through the same thing as my parents. All those hospital visits and coping with the illness. I don’t really know what she had but it was something to do with her immune system. It was rare at the time. Her death did affect my life in many ways.

I’ve thought a lot of times how my life would have been if she wouldn’t have gotten sick. We were quite close. I don’t think our relationship would have changed much. She would have been my rock. If I had problems I could talk to her. She would be a great comfort. Especially now when mother have passed away. If I had lived my life with my sister in it, I would probably be more outgoing and have more confidence.

If I could turn back time and live my childhood all over again, I would wish my sister would be healthy and see adulthood. The holidays would be much better if she would still be around.
I don’t know how it is to have siblings nor being the only child. I’ve experienced both. When I hear or read how people complain about having a sibling, I just think “at least they have someone” They can be a pain but that’s a small prize to pay. Living alone without one is not that much fun either.

Losing a sister at a young age has helped me understand other people who have lost a loved one. I don’t see death as a scary thing. I don’t even cry at the movies because it’s all fake anyway. For some death is something they don’t want to think about. They don’t know how to take other people’s sorrow. Only people who have gone through the same thing can understand.

It’s not only what you go through in your childhood that molds you. It’s what you experience through life. If I hadn’t gone through what I have been through I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I am what I am and nobody can tell me to be something I’m not. That’s something everybody should remember.