The secret I’ve been working on

Photo: AI image

What have you been working on?

Daily Writing Prompt

You know, when you have a lot of extra time, you do things you usually are not known to do. It’s not a big secret; it doesn’t matter if people find out. It won’t have a significant effect on the world. Maybe it won’t even reach other people. You only do it for fun anyway as a way to relax. I’m going to tell you what I’ve been working on.

I’ve never been a good drawer like my parents were. My late dad painted with oil paint when he was younger, and he even tried to sell some paintings. He always drew when he was a kid, so he got a lot of practice. He said that was how he got good at it. There are quite a few paintings made by him at home. He drew from photos. He sketched first and then painted with oil paint. He gave up painting when he got occupied with work, and he didn’t think there was any point in wasting time on it. Just as well since there was no place to paint anyway. Also, because the paint had a strong scent, I couldn’t be in the same place because of it.

When I was a kid, I painted with water paint, but I stopped when I became interested in other things. I didn’t think it was much fun to draw anyway. You need to like it, or you will only get frustrated. I got some kind of resentment towards drawing when classmates had disapproving looks when they saw one of my drawings. From 2009 to 2011, when I studied graphic design, I didn’t like drawing at all, and I didn’t know what or how I should draw something. We had subjects about different drawing tools and styles. Even if the teacher did help, I still didn’t like drawing. Anyone can draw, but how many can draw very well? That’s another question. I’m not a painter; I’m a photographer. Stick to what you know, I’ll say. People who are good at doing art and illustrations should do that.

The secret is that I started drawing and painting again. I bought pens and watercolours, but I already had a paintbrush that my dad once owned. I don’t care how they turn out. I only do it for fun. Maybe it will pass. At the moment, it’s something I’ve been working on. I give you a few examples of what I have done and what tools I’ve used. As I said, it’s only practice and for fun.

In the first picture, I used crayons in the background and then painted with Dual-Tip Art Markers. You need a thick paper with those pens, or they will get through the paper. I finished the drawing with a 0,45 mm line micro pigment ink pen.

My latest purchase is watercolours. I sketched all the work with a pencil first and then painted it. It’s easier that way because you know what it will look like. I did one with the paintbrush, but it didn’t go well, so I won’t show you that. That will remain a secret.

Drawing and painting things by hand are more manageable than doing them on a computer, and they look more natural, too. I leave the excellent drawing and painting to those who do it best. This won’t be a hobby for me; it’s only something I do now. In a way, it’s fun to do this again. I try to learn how to draw by searching online, but it never looks like the teachings. Maybe my visualization ability isn’t as good as it should be when it comes to drawing. In other things, it isn’t a problem. Perhaps it’s meant to be. Some are good at drawing, and some are not. Anyone should draw or paint no matter what level they are. It’s one way to relax when you have nothing else to do.

Paint your love all over my world

colourful paint
Made in Canva

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.

I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.

If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.