Things going up the spout

explosion
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Things never go the way I want to, so I shouldn’t plan anything. All ideas going up the spout. Is it a failure if you only thought about it, or should you do things first and then fail? I have done both. Failed at a thought and failed in things I’ve done. I passed educations and all that, but nothing to brag about. I have had expectations, but they went up the spout. In a way, I’m disappointed with how things have turned out in my life. But certain things just happen, and you only have to accept them. Everyone isn’t made to be anything special. What is success anyway? I don’t know what it means. Staying alive is a success. Getting through difficult times is a success. Keeping on blogging no matter what is a success. You don’t need to have success in the working life to feel it. The world is too work orientated. A job is not everything. It’s nice to have, but it shouldn’t define success. The best success I’ve had is getting a drivers license. It might not make headlines, but it’s great news for me. Especially when I failed to complete it years ago. The second time around is the best.

Other people can live their life the way they want as long as they don’t interfere in mine. I’m not made for living a life most people do. I’m a lone wolf. I’m the happiest when I can be myself. I don’t need people in my life. There is too much drama, and I’ve had enough of those. They say having friends is good for you, but not for me. It’s the other way for me. It was different when I was a child. Maybe they were important then, but I’ve managed without any so far. I’m tired of trying to please other people. The world is full of fake people who think they need to be something they’re not. The people I know personally are only acquaintances, so I wouldn’t call them friends. I don’t spend any time with them. They have their own life and friends. I haven’t seen my old schoolmates for decades, and I don’t want to either. They weren’t my friends. Only classmates I spent some time with. I have nothing in common with them anymore anyway. Why dwell in the past? Doing things alone is much better because then you can do what pleases you. There is always someone too lazy to do the same things I want to do. Travelling is probably the only thing I don’t want to do alone. Especially if it’s abroad.

I thought about entrepreneurship because I couldn’t find a job. I went to a course about it, but that was 3 years ago. Another idea went out the spout. Now I’m not that excited about it anymore. I just don’t have what it takes. I thought I could beat the odds, but then I started to think I can’t even get started, so how could I keep it up. Too many distractions. I signed up for light entrepreneurship service, but that was ages ago. I was excited at first. I could try entrepreneurship without the paperwork and things. But like always, I changed my thoughts about that too. Story of my life. I never get things done. I’ve tried to find work from somewhere else, but I can’t find anything. They say there is a lot of work out there. Yes, but in the wrong occupations. I can’t become something else overnight. The jobs are most of the time in some other city than your own. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I’m fed up with all the job searches, so I rather want to do something fun and stress-free things. At least for now. So far, any ideas I’ve got has gone up the spout, and I have no energy to think about what to do next.

Taking the train to somewhere

inside a train
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There are many ways to travel to places. Besides going by bus and by car, I’ve mostly travelled by train. The problem is that it isn’t cheap. It’s a faster way, but if the bus is cheaper, I rather take that. No matter what way I travel, I can never sleep very well. Unless I’m exhausted. It’s the sleeping sitting up, even if you can turn the seat a little. The first time I travelled alone by train was when I was 17 when I went to study in another city. Or it was in a small town. It wasn’t fun to travel there the first time. I had no numbered seat, so I had to move to another one. The train was full, and I had things with me. I had to walk around on the train, trying to find an empty seat. I had to stand for the rest of the trip. Carrying all those things and then trying not to fall. Those trains weren’t as steady as they’re now. Luckily I always found a seat when I went home over the weekend. It was the 1990s, so you had to buy a ticket from the train station. Since I was a student, I had a series ticket, and if you wanted a numbered seat, you had to reserve it by phone. I didn’t want to do it since I didn’t like talking on the phone, so I rather sit where it was free. Today there are mobiles and apps to do all those things, so it’s much easier. I don’t use apps when it comes to buying tickets. I don’t really trust them. If I go somewhere, I buy the ticket via the computer and print it out on paper.

The best about taking the train is watching the view pass by. I’ve travelled by train early in the morning and seen the sunrise. Seeing it feels different on the train. I’ve seen a misty morning. The fields look like they’re cooling down, and smoke rises up from the ground. It’s a beautiful sight that is difficult to describe if you haven’t seen it yourself. You can’t really get the same feeling when you’re going by bus. My least favourite thing about trains is when they are crowded. Once when I studied in another town, I had to change trains. They were usually quite empty in the morning, so I thought it was strange that many people were in it. A moment later, I realised I was on the wrong train. I had to get out of it on the next station. Luckily the right train came behind the wrong one. If I hadn’t noticed I was on the wrong train, I would have got late for school and been in the wrong place. That was quite an adventure that time of the morning. I didn’t make the same mistake again.

I haven’t used the train for a while. If I had gone somewhere, I’ve taken the bus, because it’s cheaper. Next time I might take the train is when I’m going to see Elton John concert next month. The problem is, will it be moved to next year again? If you buy a train ticket, you can’t get your money back. Or it will be difficult to. If the concert will be on, they should inform about it as soon as possible, because the earlier I get to buy the train ticket, the cheaper it is. When it comes to public transport, the schedules are the concern. That day, the last train leaves after 8 pm, and the concert will be much longer than that. There won’t be any buses going either. Maybe I should stay at a hotel, but that isn’t cheap either. I won’t be driving there, because of different reasons. Whatever I chose, I rather go by train than a bus. Sitting on a bus for two hours isn’t good for my legs. I need to have them straight from time to time, or I will feel uncomfortable. So choo, choo train it is.

The past changes the future

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Sometimes it’s better to be straight than being dishonest. It might hurt, but it’s better than be walked over. I wish I would have been braver when I was younger. There were certain people I wished I could have told where to get off. Like that guy in one school where I went to who asked me if I had been in a horror movie. I could have asked him the same. He wasn’t that special either. He was an idiot, and he wasn’t the only one. But that’s the past, and I have met better people than him after that.

It’s kind of funny now when my former schoolmates in primary school didn’t give a damn about me. In the gym, I was always picked up last even if I was good at it. Unlike that “bully” who was bad at it. She was probably jealous. Hard cheese. She probably never even had spots. I have never met them after I changed class in 7th grade. I was glad I got rid of them. I don’t care how they are doing in life. It’s no concern of mine. The class I was at from 1st grade to 4th was much better. If I wasn’t forced to stay at 4th grade for another year, then I probably wouldn’t have needed to go through this ‘bullying’ stage. In the 1st class, you had more than one friend. If one friend was ill, you always had another friend to be with. The atmosphere was very good there. Next time I had that feeling was when I studied media playwriting in 2002-2003.

In a way, past experiences have put me off friendships and even relationships. I don’t like that kind of drama people cause. I have met a lot of different people, but I don’t call them friends. They are more like acquaintances. Or people only walking by and then move on. I don’t believe being alone is bad for you. For me, it suits me very well. I don’t need a lot of people around, and I’ve never had. I can’t understand how someone can have more than 5 friends. It would be too exhausting for my taste. I’m not that depended on other people. When I was a kid, a girl had only one friend, but boys had more than one. Heaven forbid if you wanted to tag along with those other two girls, they looked at you like you were an alien. You knew by their look that you weren’t wanted. At least that’s what I have experienced.

The past shapes your future. For the better or for, the worse. If I hadn’t experienced what I have during my life, things would probably be different. You can’t change the past, but you can make your future better. If you can’t let your past go, you can’t move on because that’s what life should be, moving on. It’s really about your attitude towards the things you have experienced. You can either dwell on how you should have handled the situation or become stronger and stop caring what other’s might think of you. It’s your life and you can do anything you feel without having to ask for permission about how to be. The best revenge is not caring and moving on by doing what’s good for you.