Tag: presentations

Bucket without a list

Mia2 Comments
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What makes you nervous?

Daily Prompt

A lot of people have bucket lists. Things to do before 30, 40 or 50. But I have a bucket without a list. I don’t like to plan ahead. It doesn’t matter if I don’t achieve something at some age. Certain things you can’t plan. You don’t need to do them until a certain age. I didn’t think I would ever go to a concert when I was a teenager, but now I have been to several. Two more this summer. I didn’t think I would get a driver’s license, either. Life is full of surprises. If you haven’t achieved something at 30, you can do it before 40 etc. So, what if you don’t achieve them at all. Bucket lists aren’t rules you must follow or something will happen to you if you don’t.

One thing that could be on a bucket list, but it won’t, is talking on the phone with strangers. It makes me nervous. I can never call an employer. If someone says I should call one, I get terrified. I had to call once and was so nervous; it took hours to pick up the courage. I hate that feeling and do anything I don’t need to call anyone. Writing an email is easier because the risk of screwing up is minimal. You should not force an introvert to make a phone call. It’s easier to talk to someone you know. It’s calling a stranger where the problem lies. I have blocked unknown numbers on my phone because I don’t want to talk to strangers.

I don’t think I ever get over the dislike for needles. Blood tests make me nervous. That’s one of the reasons why I can’t donate blood. I can’t get a tattoo, either. I wouldn’t want one anyway. Injections are OK because it’s over in moments. Unless you need to get them a lot, as I did once. In 1994 had endoscopic surgery for my knee. I had to wait a few days for it, so they gave me injections in my stomach. I don’t remember why. It was something about not getting blood clots because I had to stay in bed. The injections made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t want them at all. Needles cause me anxiety. Even if I use a needle to mend something, I’m always worried I’ll stick myself. Anything sharp makes me nervous.

Face your fear, but I don’t want to face a fear that makes me nervous. I prefer not to do things that make me feel like that. I never want to make speeches or presentations. I don’t like people looking at me. I want to get out of that situation as fast as possible when I’m nervous. I rush things, and it’s ruined. If it’s a presentation where I stand alone, I only get nervous when it’s my turn and not before. Things look easy in my head, but the reality isn’t. Avoiding unpleasant things is easier, and I don’t want to put them on a bucket list.

Don’t cramp my style or the lack of it

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cramp my style
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So another education passed. Eleven months went by like a breeze. Like I posted yesterday (Sunday) I passed the graphic design education in Helsinki Design School. The portfolio presentation was awful though. I had written on a paper on what to say and had it with me in front of the class. But then I panicked and it went like this. “Here’s what I’ve done and that’s thank you” I didn’t say anything about the projects so I didn’t get any feedback. Only what kind of graphic design I would want to do and that I should make more projects to my portfolio. The others were much better at their presentations. Even them who felt nervous before. I just don’t know what happened to me. I wanted to get out of the situation as quickly as possible like many times before. I was so nervous and felt uncomfortable because people were looking at me. I was so disappointed by my presentation but the other student’s work was so much better than mine so I felt ashamed for mine. It felt I had no skills whatsoever. Some of the students hadn’t done any graphic design before school. Since I didn’t get any decent feedback I don’t know what my strength is in design. I don’t know what they are and I guess no one else knows either. Maybe my style is boring and amateurish. What was the most disappointing thing in Helsinki Design School was not finding my style. I don’t know if I have potential or should I quit with design altogether. I will regret my portfolio presentation forever.

Maybe finding a style doesn’t happen in 11 months for everyone. I develope slowly in everything and might get old before I find anything. Or even worse, never. My goals for this education didn’t actually come true. I learned new things but if I can use that knowledge in a job is a different matter. There were times when I felt really excited to be in this school but now not so much. I knew I wouldn’t become friends with anyone and also that I wouldn’t get connections. Honestly, I think the whole school flatter themselves too much. Don’t get me wrong. The school is good to learn new things and the atmosphere in the class is good. But it doesn’t get you discovered by employers. One of my classmates did get an internship through a teacher who taught there but she was the lucky one. I didn’t get a job after I studied photography in the same school and I’m sure I won’t get one this time either. You won’t find any magic beans there. It only makes you feel abandoned.

This experience shouldn’t discourage me but it does. Why should I even need a certain style? I like to do different things or I would be bored. I know what my style isn’t. That’s the easy part. The problem with the assignment was we only got feedback and after that nothing else. If you work with a client, you get several comments and that way you can make your design better. But with a teacher, you don’t get that. In the end, it doesn’t matter what feedback you got during an education because that’s only one opinion. It’s really about what kind of work you want to do. I know one day what my style will be and it will change many times. I work with what I’ve got. You never really graduate in this life because there’s always something new to learn. Knowing that Helsinki Design School was just one journey that now has come to an end. What will happened next is a mystery.

To skedaddle or not, that is the question

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green exit sign
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To skedaddle or not, that is the question. It’s so easy to escape from things and places so you don’t have to face them. You stop thinking about it or you think you do it some other time. When I was younger I wanted to skedaddle from things that didn’t interest me. Or maybe it did interest me but I was too shy to approach the matter. I had mild anxiety and the only thought I had was to escape from the situation. One of those was about taking a blood test. Once I didn’t go even if the doctor gave me a referral to one. I still don’t like needles which is the reason why I wouldn’t donate blood. Hospitals are also places I want to skedaddle from. I can visit them but being a patient is something else. You want to skedaddle from things that give you anxiety or if you have had bad experiences. For me it’s hospitals. I’ve visited them so often when I was a child (my big sister was sick) so I’ve had enough of them. Luckily I’ve only been as a patient twice and those were awful experiences.

Giving presentations is also something I didn’t want to do. I hated those times in school when I had to stand in front of a class that I didn’t even like. I felt they were mocking me silently and it felt uncomfortable being stared at. I just wanted to skedaddle but somehow I got through with the presentation. In later years, I discovered if the audience was familiar and they were actually nice people, then giving a presentation wasn’t that bad. I still wouldn’t give speeches in front of strangers though. Unless it’s people I know somehow and they’re not that many.  Presentations are much better than group work. I rather do that. Of course, it depends what kind of group work it is and with who. I think you gain more confidence in giving presentations if you do it often. Practice makes you better.

In life, there are things that make you want to skedaddle because you feel insecure. Especially young people who haven’t had enough experiences can feel anxiety to certain things. I’ve been there and I did leave a place without even telling anyone about it. That’s something I wouldn’t do today. Even if I sometimes have the feeling I want to skedaddle, I don’t. I face my insecurity and meet what is coming at me. If there are problems ahead you should face them as an adult. Only kids run away from conflicts or things they feel uncomfortable about. I wouldn’t want to go back to the person I was when I was younger. The feeling about wanting to skedaddle from places or situations is not a nice one. Staying and facing them is a better option because, in the end, things can’t be as bad as you thought.