When you study something, you might think the real world is as easy. But in school, you get assignments made up by someone else. In real life, you have to make them up yourself. That’s the hard part. Especially when you only starting out you don’t have much to show. Only an assignment you had in school. I doubt you can get hired by only having those. If it was, I would probably have something already. Or maybe not. Who knows really.
Soon it’s been 2 years since I studied graphic design and 4 since web design. Not very impressive since I haven’t done much since then. Especially web design. When you see job adverts for web design jobs, it’s always something technical which is something we didn’t have that much of. It’s quite wrong to be called web designer when it’s actually called web developer. That’s something they didn’t teach in school. Even in school, I didn’t like coding. It’s like Math which is my weakest subject. It just requires too much difficult kind of thinking. I can do things with free themes, but I can’t do a whole website from scratch. I tried in school, but it was too stressful. I’ve thought about only having graphic design and photography in my services. It would mostly be about digital content. At first, I thought I would also have web design with WordPress but apparently making sites from finished themes are not recommended. It’s understandable because themes are updated, and then the job has gone to waste. It’s also a turn-off when employers only search for experienced designers, and they should know a lot about coding. And then it’s web developers and not web designers.
They should teach kids in school that the real world is different. You don’t know what you want to be when you grow up at 16. You can change your mind later. Maybe the profession you chose in your youth is not the right one for you, but you only realize it when you’re getting older. You can change careers any time you want. Today there are no jobs where you are for 30 years and then retire. When I was younger, I thought you needed to educate yourself to one profession and stick with it. But it wasn’t so at all. I don’t want to be one of those who stay in one profession and then, later on, discover you didn’t want to do it after all. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I have studied so many different things. Some might have had jobs during their education, but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to concentrate on my studies and have some free time too. So now I only have internships on my resume, and that’s apparently not good enough. At least I have something and too bad it’s not appreciated among others. Luckily there are other ways to get a job. It’s just a matter of courage to get things started. That is an assignment to do next.
Sometimes it’s better to be straight than being dishonest. It might hurt, but it’s better than be walked over. I wish I would have been braver when I was younger. There were certain people I wished I could have told where to get off. Like that guy in one school where I went to who asked me if I had been in a horror movie. I could have asked him the same. He wasn’t that special either. He was an idiot, and he wasn’t the only one. But that’s the past, and I have met better people than him after that.
It’s kind of funny now when my former schoolmates in primary school didn’t give a damn about me. In the gym, I was always picked up last even if I was good at it. Unlike that “bully” who was bad at it. She was probably jealous. Hard cheese. She probably never even had spots. I have never met them after I changed class in 7th grade. I was glad I got rid of them. I don’t care how they are doing in life. It’s no concern of mine. The class I was at from 1st grade to 4th was much better. If I wasn’t forced to stay at 4th grade for another year, then I probably wouldn’t have needed to go through this ‘bullying’ stage. In the 1st class, you had more than one friend. If one friend was ill, you always had another friend to be with. The atmosphere was very good there. Next time I had that feeling was when I studied media playwriting in 2002-2003.
In a way, past experiences have put me off friendships and even relationships. I don’t like that kind of drama people cause. I have met a lot of different people, but I don’t call them friends. They are more like acquaintances. Or people only walking by and then move on. I don’t believe being alone is bad for you. For me, it suits me very well. I don’t need a lot of people around, and I’ve never had. I can’t understand how someone can have more than 5 friends. It would be too exhausting for my taste. I’m not that depended on other people. When I was a kid, a girl had only one friend, but boys had more than one. Heaven forbid if you wanted to tag along with those other two girls, they looked at you like you were an alien. You knew by their look that you weren’t wanted. At least that’s what I have experienced.
The past shapes your future. For the better or for, the worse. If I hadn’t experienced what I have during my life, things would probably be different. You can’t change the past, but you can make your future better. If you can’t let your past go, you can’t move on because that’s what life should be, moving on. It’s really about your attitude towards the things you have experienced. You can either dwell on how you should have handled the situation or become stronger and stop caring what other’s might think of you. It’s your life and you can do anything you feel without having to ask for permission about how to be. The best revenge is not caring and moving on by doing what’s good for you.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother doing anything. Doing things for yourself is not always enough. You need that certain approval from others. I feel I’m being ignored. No matter what I do I don’t get noticed. I think I’m not good at anything. Maybe it’s silly to feel like I don’t matter because I know I do. My last job proved it. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks I have a talent and I don’t give anyone that wow feeling about the things I do. Sometimes I get ideas but they don’t last very long. Then I just lose motivation. This is what I feel when it comes to design or posting things on social media. If I don’t get many likes to things I do as a hobby, it’s OK because I don’t get paid for it. But if it was something professional it would be a bigger deal. That’s one of the reasons why it’s tough for me to begin with anything on my own.
I got an email from Helsinki Design School where I studied both photography and graphic design, where they asked if any former or current students have become entrepreneurs and how their studies in school have helped them. In the email, there were questions to be answered. One of them was, “At what stage did you start your business?” I still haven’t started even if I had thought about it several times since that school. I thought about starting something during the education but nothing happened. I realised I couldn’t concentrate on two things at the same time. I just didn’t have the strength. Now when I don’t have a job anymore, I could begin with something. But then comes this doubt I’m not good enough. I feel I don’t belong with the other people who do design of some sort. A voice is saying in the back of my head, you’re not good enough to be a designer, stick to your day job. It’s not my mind saying it, it’s what others might think of me. Even in school in Helsinki, I felt others were so much better than me. When I post my work on social media I only get one or two likes. If I’m lucky three. If I don’t get many likes, how will I get clients? There are designers who have much more experience than I have. The competition is so hard so I don’t think I’m not good enough. No employers are lining up behind me either so there is no hope of finding a job in design.
If someone could paint their love all over my world and prove to me I got what it takes, maybe then I would be more confident about the things I do. Not just by one person but by several people. Being an entrepreneur is not only about knowing how to do things, but it’s also getting new ideas which I’m not that good at. I’m not a risktaker so it’s much tougher for me to start anything. Right now there are some personal things going on so I don’t want to think about what to do next.