October is here already. The only thing that I’m looking forward to is winter. But that will probably be snowless and grey. I always seem to be a disappointment in most things I do. Maybe not in other people’s eyes but my own. It feels like it comes vapor out of my head because things upset me. When others are having something to do. I just keep living in my head. I should do this and that but I never get around doing it. That’s why I’m stuck in a rut and I’m too afraid to do anything about it. It really brings me down. Life shouldn’t be this hard. It isn’t depression. Everyone feels down sometimes and that’s what I feel right now. It has nothing to do with the weather or anything. I find happiness from time to time. I don’t get anything done which is the problem. I have too many distractions.
People I know personally and not so personally all have some purpose in their life. My dad and my cousin have their own business. Both of them wanted to do something and they did it. I don’t have the same courage. Sometimes I wonder if they’re really are my relatives. Even my mother was braver than me. I’m just lazy and a coward. I can be happy for other people and I don’t feel envious. I’m mostly a disappointment to myself and there is no way out. I work hard, in my mind but when it comes to actual work, not so much. It doesn’t help much when I go on LinkedIn or other job search sites. All I get, ‘do you know this person?’ on LinkedIn. No, I don’t. I don’t why it has to suggest anyone. It’s weird to add people you don’t even know. They only appear because someone else probably knows them. My biggest problem is not finding a job, it’s about not finding anything to apply to.
I always think I should to this or that but then up doing nothing or something else. When I studied web design I thought about entrepreneurship but that didn’t go anywhere. Now it’s been about 3 years since I graduated and I haven’t done much since then. Not even with my website. Then when I studied graphic design I thought about starting something during it or after that. Nothing happened either. Now when I’ve seen works from current students in Helsinki Design School, my work is not as good. So now it’s October and I haven’t accomplished a thing career-wise. I can’t even call it a career. Maybe I don’t want it enough or I would have done something by now. Last year I went to an entrepreneurship course and I made a business plan. It feels like all of those educations they have gone to waste because all I do it complain about how difficult things are. No one said it’s easy because if it was everyone could do it. But I’m not confident about my skills. I’m in between forgetting design altogether or hanging on. It seems there are neither graphic designers or web designers everywhere so there is no need for my kind. Maybe I concentrate on that too much. Either way, my middle name is disappointment but I know I shouldn’t stress so much about it.
Have anyone said to you how easy it is to do things? How easy it is to become friends with strangers. Easy to learn a new language, play a new instrument etc. For some its second nature but what comes natural to you, comes unnatural to me.
I don’t know how I had friends when I was a child. When I tried to get a new friend as I got older, it felt unnatural. It only feels weird if I talk to people I’ve just met. I never seem to know what to say. I hate starting conversations because I feel its forced and I don’t do anything I don’t feel like doing. Talking about anything is waste of energy. I need a good reason to start a conversation and not because I need to talk to people. People seem to talk about things I really don’t care about. That’s one of the reasons I don’t have any friends. I haven’t found a single person who has the same interest as me. Not even online. I’m also not at the same level most are at my age. Even if I did have a job or somewhere to study, becoming friends with someone is an impossible task. I prefer being by myself because that’s what feels natural to me. Having other people around is good from time to time but me-time is more important. If people only would understand that being social is not about being talkative. I might be quiet but I’m not mute. Maybe I’m just a boring person so no one bothers to get to know me.
Other thing that feels unnatural to me, is marketing my skills. There are 3 questions I especially don’t know what to reply to. Telling about myself, what can I offer to a company and why should I be hired. I’ve tried to write down what I’m good at but I never get much written down. It’s much easier to write down weaknesses. Bragging is not natural in the Finnish culture. We tend to put our skills down instead of praising them. I’m good at many things but nothing I can do perfectly. I haven’t achieved anything I could put in my CV. Writing applications is a pain since I’m not sure if my skills are good enough. For some people it’s easy to know what they want and can do. For them its natural but not for me.
What does feel natural to me is writing fan fiction or blogging. It’s my way to express myself. I might not be the best but I’m good enough to have it as a hobby. I also know it feels natural to photograph. It’s the best when you don’t need to think about technical things and just click away. As soon as I start to think about shutter speed and aperture, it frustrates me. It’s then it doesn’t feel natural. I just can’t that technical stuff stuck in my brain no matter how much I try to practise.
My computer skills feels natural too but that’s because I’ve used it since the 90’s. I’m no computer nerd and I can’t fix it if it breaks. But when it comes to using programs and the internet, that comes naturally to me.
When trying to think what I’m good at, I can’t think of anything else besides that I’m a good listener. The question arises when it comes to work and job applications. I’m not really good at anything, is the only thing that comes to mind. I can do things a little of this and that. But I can’t do anything really good.
These days when you search for jobs, you need to “sell” your skills to the employers when you write your CV and cover letters. You need to explain what makes you better than the other applicants. That’s something I can’t do. I just don’t find any words to explain what my strengths are. I can’t pretend I can do something I can’t. That’s like lying and I don’t want to do that.
I’m thinking of doing a job search campaign. I just don’t know what to write about me. Writing about things I can do is the most difficult. I don’t have that confidence to brag about myself. That’s also a Finnish thing. We’re not used to brag about our skills. We’re modest that way. There are those who can but most Finns doesn’t.
If someone says to me that I’m good at something, I believe them and feel flattered. But I don’t feel I’m that good. Especially when it comes to work. When it comes to interests, that’s much easier to explain.
I’m not very good at explaining things on the blog. Especially in English but I can’t do it in other languages either. That’s why writing is only a hobby. I couldn’t write to save my life. Nor can I sing, dance or play an instrument for a living. Finding negative things about yourself is easy but that doesn’t give you a job. Unless someone makes up an occupation where negative thinking is required. But I rather think about positive things about myself.