Which way to go and it can not be ephemeral

next step with chalk
Made in Canva. Photos from Pixabay.com

Here I am again, thinking about what to do next in life. It’s summer so I don’t really want to think about it. I applied for a job but I doubt I even get an interview. I just hate when people want to define you from your application and they only want what benefits them. Applying for jobs is just that. Trying to impress people who probably don’t even care. They expect you to dance to their tune. When I make a decision about what the next step might me, it’s usually ephemeral. I wish I could stick to something in the long run but I’m too indecisive. I didn’t expect my education in Helsinki Design School to open any new doors but I didn’t want it to stop everything again either. I feel I already studied everything I wanted and now I want to practice what I’ve learned. I don’t even know if I learned anything. It was the same with web design. I learned these things in school but when the real world came, I was totally lost about what to do. It’s not like I’m operating on people but still, it makes me nervous. Not even getting an unpaid internship doesn’t help the matter.

I’m never been good with decisions as I’ve written in this blog many times before. I have the attitude, I can do it tomorrow, but I never do. Then it’s suddenly been 2 years or so. People who are younger than you get the opportunity because you hesitated. Getting out of your comfort zone isn’t easy in practice. It’s easy for someone else to say it to you than actually doing it. There are thousands of tips online about how to make faster decisions but they’re no use to me. I can’t do it anyway. It’s easy to choose about what movie to see or what to eat, then making decisions what you want to do with your life. There are people who have studied in Helsinki Design School and they started their own business. During studying there. If not with their own business but other successes. I wish I could have been one of those people but I never got around doing it. But I couldn’t concentrate on two things at once. That’s one of the reasons I never worked during any education I’ve been in.

I’m not even sure I’m ready to be on my own but what can I do if I can’t find a job. I’m tired of doing nothing and not having any near future plans. It should be my decision to do what I feel and not waiting for acceptance from other people. There are many ways to do things and you don’t need to do everything anyone else does. I want to make a decision that isn’t ephemeral. I want to stick to decisions that are long-lived.

No rapid decisions found here

speedometer from an old shipWhen it comes to life choices my decision making is nothing but rapid. As a matter of fact, it’s really slow. Quite dead slow actually. It sometimes bugs me. I wish I could make up my mind a bit faster. I’m not impulsive at all. I don’t know what I’ll do the end of the week little less what I’ll do in 5 years. I really admire those who got it all figured it out. They’ve come much further than me. I’m still waiting for my train when others have already taken different trains. Get out of your comfort zone people say but it’s not as easy as it sounds. It doesn’t happen overnight. I can’t suddenly become brave and do something. It takes a lot of time and effort. I’m an introvert after all.

It’s soon a year ago since I graduated from web design and nothing has happened. I still have no job. I went to that entrepreneurship course but now I have nothing. Of course, I have that graphic design course in the Autumn. But I should have something else too besides that. I’ve just been passive lately. I sleep late and then half of the day is gone. It doesn’t help that the weather is getting warmer which makes me even lazier. I’ve got so much else to do so I don’t have the time. Or things that are more enjoyable to do then job search. This is where this decision making is slow. To be an entrepreneur or not. First I had difficulties to know what I occupation I should have and now this. I’m not good at neither. I should have found out what I wanted to do years ago but everything seemed so uninteresting. Now when I do know what I want to do, getting started is the hardest thing.

What is the hurry anyway? Do I miss the train of opportunities and I’ll never get anywhere as long as I live? Life is short but it’s not that short that you have to do things this second. If you want things done properly, it’s better doing it slowly. I might be in the shadows right now but that’s only because I’m waiting for my time. That time will come and if doesn’t too bad. I can settle for less. I don’t need to live a glamorous life to feel good. I don’t even like that kind of attention. I don’t make any rapid decisions so the world just has to wait.