It’s sabotage to get told what to do

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Do this and you get that. If you don’t do what you are told you will get into trouble or don’t get anything. It’s sabotage to get told what to do with your own life. Not just your life but other things you do. Or don’t do. I don’t really have a point in this post. All I know is what sabotage is when you want to be yourself but is not allowed to. People should have the right to be whatever sexuality they are without having to announce it to the world. But some people have the urge to know everything about everyone. I don’t get this “getting out of the closet” when someone announces they are gay or any other sexuality. Straight people never have to announce they’re straight. What’s up with that? Isn’t it because it’s “normal”? And why are gay people living in a closet? I guess there is so much prejudice so people are embarrassed to be different when it shouldn’t be. Some people have attitude problems towards certain people. I don’t know how people like that can live with themselves. I welcome everyone no matter who they are. As long as they’re nice people. Negative and disrespectful people don’t have a place in my life.

Some things feel like sabotage. Like job search. I did get again a message “Thanks for replying but you’re not chosen” for that packaging thing I mentioned in this post. When then, I wonder. They probably chose someone in their 20s. Well, I didn’t want it that bad anyway. That thought makes me feel less worthless. Not that I feel worthless. Some people are embarrassed they’re unemployed so they don’t tell many people. I’m not that fussy. If people think I’m lazy, let them. I’m in my 40s and I should find a job much easier than someone in their 50s. Easier, not easy. But I guess my resume isn’t “sexy” enough. They said you should apply for jobs outside your own field. I did but I didn’t get anywhere. So there goes that theory. At least I can tell the jobcentre I did apply for a job. I don’t know if I should tell them about the graphic design education in Helsinki Design School though. It’s been a while since that ended so maybe not. Why does job searching make me feel so old? I have a lot of energy left but there are too many gaps in my resume. Educations are worth nothing.

Sometimes it feels like sabotage in social media. It’s like someone have said, “don’t like or post anything to that person” Which is just paranoia. I’m no one famous and not many know me on social media. I don’t know why I don’t get that many likes and such. Even on this blog, I don’t get as many likes I used to. Are my blog posts uninterested? Have I told everything and my posts are repeating themselves? Questions like that entered my mind. It really depends on what I write about. On Twitter, I get likes when TV programs are on. Or if it’s tweeting about Formula One. But if I share a blog post or tweet about something else, then I don’t get any. I will never get thousands of likes anywhere but I’m not expecting that either. Some people do anything to get likes to their posts and then they get on the news. ‘This person got 500 00 likes in an hour’ And then the photo they’ve posted isn’t even anything special. People just like weird things. If I posted something like that, it probably wouldn’t even get noticed. Then again I’m just assuming. My motives for social media is different from others. I don’t seek big audiences. It’s the quality that matters.

You can also sabotage your own future by doing crimes. Or even post drunk photos on social media. I don’t know why people do that in the first place. Who wants to see that kind of photos anyway. Know one wants to hire a boozer or even be friends with one. Drunk people are boring as well. Some people think if you don’t smoke and drink you don’t know how to have fun. Well, you can sabotage your own health and your future as much as you want. But I don’t want to live my life that. It’s just isn’t my kind of fun and it has never been. I find parties boring and a waste of energy. I rather stay home alone and do something by myself. If that sounds boring then so be it. Sabotage my solitude then you can think again. Just saying.

Scrap it and do something else

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Some “free writing” Sometimes I wonder why I even bother posting anything on Instagram. It doesn’t matter what I post I get no reaction anymore. It’s doesn’t matter what quality the photos are either. Well, eff you. I rather do something else. It’s a pain to do anything with the tablet I’ve got. I can’t get the whole app to download on my mobile so I scrap the whole thing. They can keep the stupid Instagram. It sucks big time anyway. Even Twitter has become a bore. Especially after they decided to change the whole layout. Their app is crap as well and now they put it on the computer version too.

I don’t know why I bother with anything. Everything goes to death ears. It’s like talking to a wall. At least a wall listens. It feels like everyone hates me and they don’t want me around. But of course, that’s not the truth at all. It just feels like it. I just hate it when I can’t get anyone to get to know me. All the men in this country are idiots too. I’m gonna die alone but I don’t give a damn. It’s like Madonna sings in Express yourself. Let me find the lyrics.

Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better, baby, on your own

Let others waste their time on finding true love from idiots. I’ve got better things to do. Sorry if you don’t agree but that’s how I feel. Feel free to live your life the way you want. That’s not mine. All the good men are taken or they don’t even know I exist. Or they’re famous. I won’t mention who because then you think I’m a fool for liking someone like that. I’m too old to fancy celebs even though I hate that word when it comes to that person. OK, too private.

This free writing should become a habit of mine but not against time. My time would be up ages ago. Free writing means that you write what comes to mind at a certain time. I just can’t type that fast so it takes much longer. My brain works too fast so I don’t have time to write it down. I don’t want to leave write something I don’t know want people to know. That means too personal stuff. What I mean by that you can’t try to figure it out yourself. I won’t give you the answer though. So haha. Smilie here. Or whatever it’s spelt. I don’t have time to check. My program is coming soon so I have to finish this post before that. I have to check out the spelling before I post it.

You can now forget what I wrote in this post in the beginning. That rant is over. It doesn’t take long before I’m over it. I’m not angry for long. At least upset. I don’t know if that’s right English but I have no time to write anything else. So goodbye for now.

Enthusiasm for about 4 minutes

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First of all, I’m in pain. I don’t what it is. Maybe there’s something in my teeth that causes me a headache. It’s been a couple of days. The pain comes and goes in different parts of my head. It’s more of a throbbing than pain but still, I feel like passing out. Painkillers help at least for a while. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged as much as I wished. The other is watching sport on TV but that’s another matter. I try to make some sense in this blog post despite how I feel right now.

I always seem to have enthusiasm for about 4 minutes in different things and then I skip the whole idea. I was excited about photography for years but then I got over that. Now I only photograph occasionally. Then I got the enthusiasm of web design. But now that feels like an unrealistic dream too. The last is graphic design but now I don’t feel that excited about it. Maybe because finding job experience is like trying to search for your lost youth. The entrepreneurship was exciting at first but now I’m not so sure about that. I just don’t what to do with my lack of enthusiasm. I have an attention span of a child. I get excited about things but then it only lasts for a short while and I want something else instead. Especially if it’s something I bought online. I get enthusiastic when I order it but when it finally arrives it feels empty inside. It’s a bad habit and it can become an addiction if you’re not careful. It’s so easy to buy things online. I’ve bought movies on Blu-ray but some of them I still haven’t watched. I just haven’t find the time and strength to watch them. I hope I will though.

Last time I felt enthusiasm was this week when I had to take my dad’s old smartphone because the microphone on my mobile doesn’t work anymore. I thought now I can use Instagram and take better photos. But it doesn’t want to install it. Actually, Google doesn’t let me. That goes with any social media apps. I have those on my tablet but that shouldn’t matter. I’ve tried to search for a solution online but none of them helped at all. I’ve signed into my Google and Google Play accounts but nothing works. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need those apps on my phone anyway. I can’t share anything which is the only downside. Expect if I download the photos on my laptop through Bluetooth. That rules out Instagram but honestly, I’m not a big fan of it. I thought of deleting the whole account. At least not post there anymore. My enthusiasm has calmed down since I got my dads phone. Now the smartphone is just like my old phone. For calling and texting mostly. My old phone is still much better than any smartphones out there. A shame I can’t call anyone with it anymore.