Scrap it and do something else

Made in Canva

Some “free writing” Sometimes I wonder why I even bother posting anything on Instagram. It doesn’t matter what I post I get no reaction anymore. It’s doesn’t matter what quality the photos are either. Well, eff you. I rather do something else. It’s a pain to do anything with the tablet I’ve got. I can’t get the whole app to download on my mobile so I scrap the whole thing. They can keep the stupid Instagram. It sucks big time anyway. Even Twitter has become a bore. Especially after they decided to change the whole layout. Their app is crap as well and now they put it on the computer version too.

I don’t know why I bother with anything. Everything goes to death ears. It’s like talking to a wall. At least a wall listens. It feels like everyone hates me and they don’t want me around. But of course, that’s not the truth at all. It just feels like it. I just hate it when I can’t get anyone to get to know me. All the men in this country are idiots too. I’m gonna die alone but I don’t give a damn. It’s like Madonna sings in Express yourself. Let me find the lyrics.

Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better, baby, on your own

Let others waste their time on finding true love from idiots. I’ve got better things to do. Sorry if you don’t agree but that’s how I feel. Feel free to live your life the way you want. That’s not mine. All the good men are taken or they don’t even know I exist. Or they’re famous. I won’t mention who because then you think I’m a fool for liking someone like that. I’m too old to fancy celebs even though I hate that word when it comes to that person. OK, too private.

This free writing should become a habit of mine but not against time. My time would be up ages ago. Free writing means that you write what comes to mind at a certain time. I just can’t type that fast so it takes much longer. My brain works too fast so I don’t have time to write it down. I don’t want to leave write something I don’t know want people to know. That means too personal stuff. What I mean by that you can’t try to figure it out yourself. I won’t give you the answer though. So haha. Smilie here. Or whatever it’s spelt. I don’t have time to check. My program is coming soon so I have to finish this post before that. I have to check out the spelling before I post it.

You can now forget what I wrote in this post in the beginning. That rant is over. It doesn’t take long before I’m over it. I’m not angry for long. At least upset. I don’t know if that’s right English but I have no time to write anything else. So goodbye for now.

Enthusiasm for about 4 minutes

light brown cat sleeping
Made in Canva

First of all, I’m in pain. I don’t what it is. Maybe there’s something in my teeth that causes me a headache. It’s been a couple of days. The pain comes and goes in different parts of my head. It’s more of a throbbing than pain but still, I feel like passing out. Painkillers help at least for a while. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged as much as I wished. The other is watching sport on TV but that’s another matter. I try to make some sense in this blog post despite how I feel right now.

I always seem to have enthusiasm for about 4 minutes in different things and then I skip the whole idea. I was excited about photography for years but then I got over that. Now I only photograph occasionally. Then I got the enthusiasm of web design. But now that feels like an unrealistic dream too. The last is graphic design but now I don’t feel that excited about it. Maybe because finding job experience is like trying to search for your lost youth. The entrepreneurship was exciting at first but now I’m not so sure about that. I just don’t what to do with my lack of enthusiasm. I have an attention span of a child. I get excited about things but then it only lasts for a short while and I want something else instead. Especially if it’s something I bought online. I get enthusiastic when I order it but when it finally arrives it feels empty inside. It’s a bad habit and it can become an addiction if you’re not careful. It’s so easy to buy things online. I’ve bought movies on Blu-ray but some of them I still haven’t watched. I just haven’t find the time and strength to watch them. I hope I will though.

Last time I felt enthusiasm was this week when I had to take my dad’s old smartphone because the microphone on my mobile doesn’t work anymore. I thought now I can use Instagram and take better photos. But it doesn’t want to install it. Actually, Google doesn’t let me. That goes with any social media apps. I have those on my tablet but that shouldn’t matter. I’ve tried to search for a solution online but none of them helped at all. I’ve signed into my Google and Google Play accounts but nothing works. It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need those apps on my phone anyway. I can’t share anything which is the only downside. Expect if I download the photos on my laptop through Bluetooth. That rules out Instagram but honestly, I’m not a big fan of it. I thought of deleting the whole account. At least not post there anymore. My enthusiasm has calmed down since I got my dads phone. Now the smartphone is just like my old phone. For calling and texting mostly. My old phone is still much better than any smartphones out there. A shame I can’t call anyone with it anymore.

Odor of conspiracy or just bad luck

odor of conspiracy
Made in Canva

Sometimes I’m a bit paranoid when it comes to certain things. If it’s about posting on social media, finding a job or making friends. On social media, it feels like my posts have no meaning to other people. In job search when I have an interview, it’s like they already chose not to give me a chance as soon as they see me. Then when I’m in some education no one seems to want to get to know me. They might talk to me but when the school is over they don’t even want to keep in touch. I keep telling myself it’s OK because there will be other people. Still, there’s an odor of conspiracy towards me. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. I’m not the one who wants to intrude in other people’s affairs. Maybe they didn’t like me but they didn’t really bother to get to know me either. It’s fine with me. They lived in another city anyway. People come and go. If it’s meant to be, it was meant to be. I’ve learned not to stress about having friends around. I’m not very good at keeping in touch with other people anyway.

What I’ve most doubt is becoming an entrepreneur. A lot of marketing happens online and social media. I can’t even get people to interact with me on my personal accounts. Internet is a big place and it takes time to get noticed. Unless you’re like everyone else. E.g. taking selfies and posting edited photos on Instagram. I don’t want to sell my soul to that marketing business. Or whatever it’s called. I can’t start anything just like that. I need to think long and hard before starting anything. I’ve already done that at least 2 years. I’ve searched for a job in the open market but no success there. That’s a conspiracy on its own to any job seeker out there. It seems a lot of people want to become entrepreneurs in graphic design or any other creative business. Even in Helsinki Design School where I studied graphic design. I was a bit embarrassed because they were so much better than me and extroverted. How am I supposed to compete with them? That shouldn’t stop me though. For a while, I was about to change my mind about having my own business. The way things are going, entrepreneurship is tempting again. It’s just that doubt in my mind that stops me from starting.

I’m sure a lot of people feels others are against them once in a while. It comes in thought, is there something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Here what the odor of conspiracy comes in. You think the whole world is against you but in fact, it’s all in your mind. It’s just bad luck if things turn the way they do. Not all things have explanations. Things just are the way they are. You can do things perfectly but still, something goes wrong. You can’t know in advance who you’re gonna meet or how things turn out. That’s what life is about. You never know what’s around the corner. It shouldn’t be the odor of conspiracy. It should be the odor of success. Whatever it is to you.