Trust me I know what I’m doing

This is what the word trust came to mind. It’s a quote from the TV series called Sledge Hammer. He always said it but things went wrong. If I said it I would really mean it. I usually don’t know what I want so I would be lying. When I know I want I really mean trust me I know what I’m doing. Like I know now what I’m doing at work. I want more job experience so I can get more confidence to become an entrepreneur later on. I realise more and more that waking up early is not my thing. I want to wake up when I feel like it and I don’t mean sleeping all day. I want to choose my own schedule and not being at work at 9 am sharp. Now I have to wake up after 6 am so I don’t get late for work. My job is 4 hours and 50 minutes but it’s the waking up early that makes me tired. I have to take a nap in the evening because of that. Which is the reason blogging might not happen that often right now. Except for the holidays and Sundays. Trust me I know what I’m doing. And I really meant it. 

Throw a dart at empty promises

darts on board

Life is like a TV commercial, promises that are said to help you. But the truth is they’re just a shell with no substance. You should do this and you should do that and a miracle will happen. I’ve had so many disappointments in my life I just want to throw a dart at empty promises. One of the promises I dislike the most is these networking channels like LinkedIn. I’ve been there for 5 years and I only have 7 connections. I think it’s just a place where popular people get noticed. Maybe the service just isn’t for Finnish people. Our country is too small for this kind of thing. If you don’t have connections from your past, there is no use for it. Then you hear stories from people who actually have to find a job through LinkedIn and you just think who did they bribe because that person must be really lucky. It’s just too good to be true. LinkedIn in a job search is useless. I will only keep it as a memo for my past educations and work experiences to remind myself. It doesn’t matter if my CV is in this service or sending paper versions to employers. The result will still be the same, no job.

The other empty promises are education. They say it’s important because you have a better chance to find a job. That’s just BS. All these qualifications are useless. You can have hundreds of them but still, no one wants to give you a chance. The same with internships. If you get one you can get your foot between the door, you might get a job there in the future. Yeah right. All you get is a good luck and they shut the door behind you. Then when you get older, it’s even harder to get “your foot between the door” You don’t even have a look in. The the only use you have for your qualifications is keeping you sane. If I wasn’t used to being unemployed, I would be worried and feel unwanted. Lucky for me, I’m alone and I don’t have to support anyone. It’s different for those who have a family. Some of them can’t even afford food. It’s really difficult to stay motivated when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. All these tips about how to find a job are empty promises. I’ve never got anything by chance. I’m never in the right place at the right place. There are times I just want to give up and live on well-fare the rest of my life. But I want to have meaning with my life. I want a job and not become one of those lowlives who doesn’t even bother looking for a job. But because I’m not suitable for companies images, I don’t get anything.

You shouldn’t give hope to a person who’s been disappointed so many times. Nothing is worse than empty promises. Telling them to be patient doesn’t help either. How much patience must a person have anyway? Will it take years, decades or never? Politicians are known for their empty promises but it shouldn’t happen in daily life. You learn from empty promises by not getting your hopes up. That’s probably the only good thing that comes out of it. If it’s even good. Next someone promises me something, I’m just gonna ignore them because once you lose trust, it’s hard to get it back. Sometimes it’s gone for good.

Partner in crime

two lionsEveryone seems to have that one person in life they feel most attached to. If it’s a partner in an intimate relationship or friendship. I’ve had my share of friendships and even a few so called flings. Online mostly. I wish I’ve had that partner in crime I could open up to. Tell them secrets no one else knows about. Doing things we both enjoy. I’ve never had that best friend I could confide in. But I’m a loner and I’m quite used to it. It’s one kind of freedom. I can do what I please and I don’t have to wait for another person if we’ve arranged a meeting. Not having that friend, does have its disadvantages though. Especially when going to the movies. It would be nice to have someone to discuss it with afterwards. There’s a lot of people online who has the same favourites as you but it’s not the same. It lacks the human touch. Friendships seem to walk past me.

I can hear someone suggesting I should find some organisation (or something like that) where I could meet other people. But the problem is, it’s not my cup of tea. Finns especially are hard to become friends with. I know since I’ve experienced it a lot of times. When I studied web design, it showed how much difference there is between Finns and foreigners. They’re more talkative. The Finns didn’t talk to me that much, except one. Finding friends is much easier than finding that partner in crime. I can never found a friend who I have something in common with. Most people at my ages have families or are married. They discuss things I don’t know anything about. Being an introvert makes it even harder to talk to strangers. If I do talk to them, it doesn’t become a friendship.

People look for the one to share their life with but I’ve looked for friendships my whole life. Maybe my destiny is to be alone and I never find that partner in crime. It’s a bit of a dilemma. I want to be alone but sometimes I wish I had a friend to share things with. It’s just that I can never find a person who’s at the same wave length as me. It feels like my life hasn’t changed much. It’s like I mature slower than most people. I’m mentally 16 but others are at their real age. I’ve always felt I was smarter than other people at my age. I’ve never been experimental because I didn’t find anything fun about it. I don’t feel I’ve missed anything. You can’t miss something you have never experienced. I won’t get depressed about how my life went when I get old. I’m not one of those people who will say, I wish I had done that. The same goes with the partner in crime bit. I like meeting different people and I don’t necessarily need a special person in my life.

I’ve mentioned in a few posts on this blog how easily bored I get. The same goes with other people. I don’t want to get attached to people too much. I’ve had too many sad moments in my life. My biggest fear has always been losing a loved one and they all came true. No one lives forever but they were taken too early from me. I’ve also got hurt too many times, my trust is limited. I don’t want to admit it and less think about it. But deep inside I know the reason why I always like someone I can’t have. It’s because it’s easier and you don’t get hurt or rejected. Sometimes it’s hard to like someone from a far. You wish they could know you but you’ll never meet them. A fantasy does never become reality. You can’t make someone like you the way you like them. Life is not a soap opera where you do anything to make that person yours. I don’t even think I could stick to one person the rest of my life. No matter if it’s your partner in crime in friendship or an intimate relationship, it’s better to live alone than suffer from heartache. It might sound harsh but if you’ve gone through life the way I have, your trust in people is hard to get back.

Tallenna

Tallenna