Another day, another Monday. Some school begins and some go back to work. But when I wake up I smell the meh. I don’t wake up in the morning, I wake up in the middle of the day. Sometimes it’s even later. At least I wake up. Even if I love sleeping I couldn’t do it all day. I still have things to do. Most of my days are boring though. Maybe in a way, it’s my own fault for not being initiative enough. I have different thoughts about what to do but I never do anything about it. It’s the start that’s the hardest. Especially when you’re so used to not doing anything meaningful. It doesn’t help much when the rest of the world is the way it is. Demanding and the go-getter’s mentality.
Sorry got to bore you with this job search thing again. This blog wasn’t supposed to be about that but somehow it has turned into that. I looked through web and graphic designer job ads but none of those is suitable for me. Then there’s LinkedIn but that’s a place for people who only want to use for their own advantages. All those job search tips you find online doesn’t work for everyone. Actually, the whole job search business is repulsive. You have to be some kind of product to get anywhere. You also need massive skills and I have none of that. I hate writing cover letters because I’m bad at it. What’s the point of wasting time on those when you won’t get anything anyway? Then you need to know how much salary you want. If you say too little or too much you will look like an amateur. Then it’s the age thing. You’re too old for an internship and too young to retire. All these job search things make me feeling the blues. Maybe working with someone else with other people around isn’t really my thing. I don’t want that much drama. With other people, I can’t be myself. In the workplace, you have to be social. I don’t know why that’s so important. A lot of people are on their phones so they’re not social either so what makes them different from me I wonder. The phone probably.
Autumn/Fall is coming and I have nothing good to wake up too. I applied for a course in digital marketing and e-commerce but I have to wait until October to find out if I got in or not. I don’t know if I should start something else just in case I don’t. I do have a feeling I won’t get in but that feeling could be wrong. I’ve written before about light entrepreneurship on this blog which I mean by something else. That will get more me problems. It would be different if I had a job. That’s probably not the biggest problem though. I don’t know if I’m good enough to earn clients. The competition is so hard out there. It puts me down how good some people are and I’m just an amateur who probably isn’t any good after all. I’m also not motivated enough to get any better.
This is quite a downer for a blog post. But I’m really not depressed or anything. I do wake up and I’m glad I’m alive. It’s the small things that want me to wake up. I just wish I didn’t sleep so late but it has become a habit. I’m one of those who wants to stay up late and then regret it in the morning. In my case, in the middle of the day. Maybe if I had someone who would wake me up before they go-go (Wham pun) I would wake up earlier. Since I don’t, I can only wake up when I don’t want to sleep any longer.
I should really concentrate working on my portfolio for school but sometimes writing comes first.
I always seem to chase the wrong dream. If it’s about career choices or men I find attractive. The latter it’s always someone I know I can’t have. They usually live in another country or they’re, well famous. But I feel no remorse by chasing the wrong dream. Crushes come and go. The same with career choices. Many times I thought “this is what I want to do” But then something comes up and I don’t even bother trying. It has happened with writing for a living and formula one photography. It seems to happen with web and graphic design too. I just don’t what I want anymore. Maybe my destiny is to be unemployed for the rest of my life. Of course, I don’t want it to stay that way. I want to show the finger to that destiny. It’s not easy when you can’t even find a job. If I get an interview I fail at it. And that’s a big if.
I get excited about things but they usually short-lived. I wish I could stay excited much longer. I could have been something by now if I wouldn’t be so indecisive. I’m also too reserved and not a risktaker. I’m always thinking about what could go wrong. I also don’t believe in myself enough. Before I started to study graphic design in Helsinki Design School, I thought I was good at it. But now after the feedback I’ve got, I don’t know if I have any potential to get better. It’s the same with photography and web design. I don’t want to do things I won’t get better at. Then again who would stop me from doing things I like. You can’t please everyone. I learned English by practising and got better at it so why not with the design too.
I don’t dream big, I have them in small portions. I’ve dreamed of doing different things and that has come true. I don’t remorse anything that I’ve studied. I always found something useful in them. It’s good that you’re versatile or things would be boring. The current dream I chase is getting through this graphic design education with a good feeling. Getting the portfolio finished and getting through the presentation in front of the class with good results. That’s probably the biggest dream I have chased so far.
There are only 2 more meetings left in Helsinki Design School. In about 2 weeks it’s the portfolio presentation. I haven’t even started yet. I don’t even know what to put in it. I don’t feel any of my work is worth showing to other people. Especially one of the latest feedback I got was so disappointing. It was a tourist poster about my city. Apparently, I should have done brainstorming, sketching and all that. But that’s what I did. The teacher didn’t think there was an idea in it. Whatever that means. I think it was. I lived in my city all my life so I should know what it’s famous for. But OK, that’s one opinion about the poster but still it feels all my work was for nothing. It wasn’t easy to do it. Drawing has never been my strongest thing so maybe I shouldn’t do any of that. The rest of my school work has been OK but I should make them a bit better before putting any of it in a portfolio. I just don’t know if I am able to do them because the time is so limited.
These 11 months have gone quite fast. Soon it’s another end of a road and it’s time to drift away to something else again. It only feels like I haven’t learned anything and if I have, I’ve forgotten about it. At one point I was quite excited about graphic design but now it feels like I will never get better at it. I’m always doubting in my mind that no one will never want to hire me or pay for my work. Once an amateur, always an amateur. I feel I have no talent and my designs are crap. A lot of people think in some time of their life that they’re not any good. When you feel the worse, you don’t think about that. It’s only when you talk to someone about it or you read about it online, you realise you’re not alone with your thoughts. I’m waiting for someone to say I don’t have what it takes and I should do something else. Maybe people just want to be kind and not telling me the truth.
I shouldn’t forget why I studied graphic design in the first place. It wasn’t because I wanted to work in print. I only wanted it to be part of web design and it still is. I’m more into digital graphic design because print is much more complicated. I’m not really sure about web design either anymore. I haven’t done any of it in 2 years. Unless you count this blog. I don’t know if I’ve even good at web design. It’s too technical for my taste. That’s another reason why I chose to study graphic design. I don’t really know what I want to do. This road is ending and I don’t know what road I’ll find next. Maybe I’m back to square one which is a place I do not want to be in at this age. Now I want to think about the portfolio thing and think about the next step some other time.