This is a sketch from the British comedy show, The Fast Show. I don’t know why the word camouflage reminded me of this. Sometimes it feels like I’m invisible. But in some things, it’s kind of good. I don’t want that much attention from other people. I can observe in peace and follow people’s behaviours. It’s an introverted thing. People think you don’t hear them but in fact, we do. Because we’re not as loud as extroverted, it’s like being in camouflage. The bad thing is when you want people to take notice, you’re being ignored.
It’s never in the middle. You must be totally quiet or totally loud. Getting attention is not only about posting photos of yourself in social media. It’s about getting your voice heard. It doesn’t need big audiences. If it reaches at least one, that’s better than nothing. I, for example, could never be a video blogger because I don’t like being in front of the camera. I want to say things in writing. Other people feel natural being in the spotlight so I rather leave that to those who are. Stick to what you know, the saying goes. No one is good at everything. If someone could, others would be without work.
Speaking of which. Tomorrow it’s not a day for me to be in camouflage. Finally, the day when I’m gonna go to that meeting about the internship I wrote about here. We were supposed to meet last week but it had to be rescheduled. After a few emails, I didn’t get a reply so I thought it wasn’t real. But today I wrote another one and then finally I got a reply. I don’t know what kind of meeting it will be but it’s probably like a job interview kind of thing. The ones I’ve been to haven’t been very successful. When it’s over, I could say, You ain’t seen me, right? And then move away slowly to the front door. It could also go the other way around but that’s tomorrow’s business.
It’s been said to me my wishes are too unrealistic. Especially when I was younger and I didn’t know what I wanted to be. Maybe they are but I’ve always been a dreamer. It’s a balance between dreams and reality. I dream too much and get very disappointed when the reality hits. That’s one of the reasons why I stopped dreaming about big things. But being a dreamer has good sides too. I have a very good imagination which helps when you write fan fiction. I’ve always been good at making up stories. Writing in general. I prefer that to talking. Yesterday I read an old statement that the unemployment agency had made about me when I was younger. It said I was not being social enough at a workplace. I actually had a good laugh about other stuff they wrote. They probably thought I wasn’t fit for work because I didn’t have a qualification at the time. Thinking about it now years later they were so wrong about me. All those psychology tests I went through didn’t show the whole truth. They tried to fix me when I wasn’t even broken. Everyone has issues so I was no exception. Today I don’t even care what others think of me.
Sometimes I want to live in my little dream world but other times I want to be in this reality. If you begin to live in your dreams, you can begin to think the reality will be the same. That’s how stalking begins. Especially when you’re a teenager. Some might think they’re gonna marry their celebrity crushes but in reality, they will never meet them. If they did, nothing would happen. They wouldn’t fall head over heels over them as soon as they met their fan. In dreams it could happen but not in real life. You need to have your feet firmly on the ground and face the facts. You read about stalkers in real life where they follow their former partner and think they would take them back. When it comes to another person you can’t control them to feel the same about you. Life is not a finished script that everyone follows. Reality is more complicated than that.
Life would be perfect if things went as planned. You don’t always get what you want and you just need to move on. We get born, we get good things, we suffer and then we die. That’s life in short. A balance between dreams and reality. I only wish my efforts would pay off once in a while but they don’t. People shouldn’t wonder why my inner life is more active than the outside world. I live in my head for two reasons and those are, I’m an introvert and the other is, too disappointments in other people. I don’t want to use my energy to things that aren’t important to me. It’s a waste of time to spend time with people who have no interest in me whatsoever. Like a Pin on Pinterest said, I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social. Reality has hit me so many times, dreams have become an escape. I’ve had bad times but I’m still here. Things could have gone the other way around but I still have my sanity. It’s because of my inner life and balancing dreams with reality. Besides, there must be someone with a clear head in this insane world. Everyone can’t be like a headless chicken with no common sense. People should be thankful for that.