So here we are again. At my birthday. It’s also a birthday of Prison Break star, Wentworth Miller and actor Zachary Quinto, my birthday twin. I don’t mind having a birthday, it’s the getting older bit that is not so much fun. It means more problems. But I’m not that old though. Age is a number that doesn’t tell you the whole truth. Someone at their 20’s can be as wise as a 40-year-old. Or it can also be the other way around. Young and stupid. It really depends what you’ve been through in your life. If I hadn’t experienced the things I have, I don’t think I would be the way I am today. There are things I haven’t experienced. Like rowing a boat but I fear deep water so I wouldn’t even try it. I haven’t met the people I wanted to meet. To make things short, there is a lot I haven’t done.
Life doesn’t always go as you plan so I stopped planning because it fails anyway. If I have ideas they turn out to be bad. I take the days as they come. I don’t know what I do in 5 years since I don’t even know what I do next week. I have wishes and hopes but I don’t have enough of courage to do them. At least nothing big. Sometimes I hate being so indecisive but I don’t want to think about one thing at a time. I get bored easily so I need stimulation. I wish I was brave enough to get out of the box so to speak. Like trying entrepreneurship. If I don’t do something risky at least once in my life, I will regret it. I don’t want to rush things because then things won’t get rightly done.
So it’s my birthday today. I have never been into parties. Birthdays for me are just that. One year older. This year I baked a cake and going on a cruise with my dad. Daughter and father quality time thing, you know. That’s all the celebration I will have and then go back to normal again. And of course, eat cake. There is no birthday without it.
It’s a quote from the movie ‘V for Vendetta’ but it’s also the date of today. It’s not only that but it’s also All Saint’s Day and in other places Guy Fawkes Night. Those are totally different though. Here we remember people who have passed away. People go the cemetery to put candles on the graves. We usually do it at Christmas so we don’t do it now. There’s only been death in our family it seems. We don’t have much contact with other relatives anymore. They can be a pain sometimes so I don’t really care either. Why keep in touch with people who doesn’t bother keep in touch with us? We’re better off and it’s not a hyperbole.
Christmases are not the same anymore because there’s only me and my dad left. We always spent the holidays with our closest family members. I had a great childhood. I never knew my grandfathers since they passed away when my parents were young. I had a close bond with both of my grandmothers. They were always there when you needed them. I can’t understand why some people doesn’t have any contact with their grandparents. You can teach your kids to respect elders and you also get great memories. I’ll cherish every moment I had with them. Nothing lasts forever but memories will never die.
On this All Saint’s Day, I light a candle for my sister, my mother and grandmothers. Family has always been very important to me. They’re the ones who you feel most secure with. You can have a family of your own but they’re not the people your birth family was. There will never be another person like them. If I was born again, I wouldn’t change a thing when it comes to family. I wished they could have stayed a little longer on this earth but those are things you can’t control.
Remembering family members on the 5th of November.
Today the career coaching course was over. In a way I did learn a lot of about job search but there’s also things I already knew from a preview job search course I’ve attended before. The most depressive thing was to look for a job practise when the places I went to ask was a ‘No’ everywhere. So I didn’t get any. I felt really down. All kind of negative things came to mind. One of them was I’m useless and a coward that won’t get anything done. The worst thing was to get in touch with companies. Calling a stranger is hell. Also going to new places terrified me. It took a few days to pick up the nerve. I hated the whole process. The career coach got me a place in a creative cooperative branch and I had to contact them myself. To make a long story short. I got an appointment there and went. It was only for a couple of hours but I got some new info about how a cooperative works and what they do. I was mainly interested in photography but they were busy elsewhere. I still got to know about clothes designing which was also interesting. The girls (most of them are) there were really nice. I felt really relaxed and I wasn’t nervous about asking questions. A cooperative could be an option if I don’t find work elsewhere.
So what am I going to do next? I don’t really know what I’m doing even if it says so in the photo of my T-shirt. During this course I was looking for a job and studying wasn’t on my agenda. I’ve studied so much before and it was getting boring. There’s also a lot of other dilemmas about starting with study things again. Like financial and travelling arrangements. I’ve looked through different educations just to see what’s out there. I came across a web- designer vocational examination. The school is in a small town in Western Finland which means I have to live in a dorm. I hated that when I studied. The education takes 9 months. It’s not even sure I get into the school so it’s too early to worry about that. There’s a same kind of schooling in my city but it’s longer and it doesn’t have photography like this one. It also starts next year when this begins in August 2016. It’s kind of easy to apply. There are no assignments. You only need to fill a form online and then they interview the applicants. Easy-peasy. I thought I would expand my skills. Since I’ve already studied some of the subjects they teach there, it won’t be too difficult.
My other mission is to get an internship. It could be one of the companies I went to when looking for a job practise. I won’t mention any names. I can tell you it’s a digital marketing agency. You can send them an open application via email. Maybe they only take students though. But it’s worth a try. If you don’t try, you’ll never know. I know what kind of things you should write in applications like that but how to put them in words to convince them, that’s another story. I don’t exactly have experience in marketing even though it has been part of my studies. Of course there other companies where they also have some kind of photography. Advertisement agencies, graphic design etc.
Getting an internship in a photography studio seems impossible. There’s not many in my city. If you ask one and they say ‘no can do’ then they all say that. I’m not really into that studio stuff anyway. Portrait photography? Wedding? Pets? It seems that’s the photography most people do and honestly, that’s boring. But in a studio you learn the technical stuff so not everything is bad.
I’ve learned photography won’t be my main profession and maybe not at all. I’m not very ambitions and the competition out there is so stressful. I don’t think I’m even that good to become a pro. Besides I can so many different things and it feels like I’ll miss those things if I only concentrate one thing. I still want to do photography but other things too. If this really were a perfect world, I would travel around the continent and become friends with every person I like. But this is real life and to become a complete human being, you need to have goals in life. Mine comes in small doses. Dream big, they say. But I just dream.