I have a lot of topics that I like to discuss but no one to do it with. I write a blog instead. It’s mostly talk and no action, but at least I get my thoughts down. Some things are important to me but don’t seem like that to others. If I had a pet, I would talk to it. Since I don’t, I speak to Mon Ami, my favourite toy monkey. Maybe it’s weird, but I like some weirdness, and I don’t care what people think. Certain things you can’t write in a blog. They are private. I also don’t want people to know about my sad infatuations. Talking or writing is food for the mind, and you need to take it out of your mind one way or another.
I like to discuss music, movies, photography, graphic design, blogging, sport etc. But I don’t talk politics or religion. Or private things. I might say other facts about me, but nothing intimate. It’s no one’s business but my own. For specific topics, I only have opinions and short answers. Other issues I could talk about for hours. A shame; not many people want to know what I have to say. I don’t like talking about things just to talk. What most people are talking about doesn’t interest me. I don’t like networking because there is no soul in them. I like deep conversations. Unfortunately, people who want to do that don’t exist in real life. Without the internet, there would be no one to share thoughts with. It’s a wide, wide world. Blogging is a great way to express yourself when you are an introvert like me. It’s no point explaining what an introvert is to people who don’t want to understand. But that is a topic for another day.
I have lived in a cocoon, and there are things I regret. I wish I could have said something to those morons in school that treated me like I wasn’t there. Especially one of them. I don’t know what her problem was. Maybe she thought she was something special. At least I wasn’t bullied as bad as some people are. Some adults have been bullied, so their whole life is spoiled. I was glad I had never had to meet them again. You shouldn’t have people around who don’t appreciate you. The decisions I have made in life have nothing with them. If they thought they would break me, they were wrong. It only made me stronger. What happened then is only pathetic on their part. It was all so silly. They were cowards too. They never dared to say anything to my face. I wouldn’t recognise them on the street anymore. I don’t even remember some of my former classmates’ names. I have met many people, so how can anyone remember someone you knew over 30 years ago. They don’t matter anymore.
I’ve had a lot of times when I didn’t take action when I should have. I don’t know if I regret certain decisions I made in the past. I know I’ve learned something, at least. There have been education that didn’t get me anywhere, even if people said it would help to get a job. Well, it hasn’t, or I would have had more job experience than I have now. I wish I would have tried any job, but I wanted to discover what I wanted to be through education. I see; now they don’t matter. It’s job experience. Sometimes it feels like I’ve wasted my life, and now I’m getting older. I should have at least 20 years of working life left, but I will become a poor pensioner at this rate. I don’t collect pensions because I don’t work. It isn’t even my fault. Some people don’t want to work, but I do. No one wants to hire me, but it’s their problem, not mine. Maybe I chose the wrong profession or something. There aren’t many jobs in the graphic design field. Unless you’re super talented and have job experience. It can be a little frustrating when you finally know what kind of job you like and can’t find anything to apply to. They look for people with job experience and someone for the future. Not someone in their 40s with no experience in the field. Employers never seem to look for workers, either. Job search has gotten so strange these days. No wonder some people don’t want to be in that game. It is one. The only ones that win are the lucky ones.
Living in a cocoon feels safer when you’re not a risk-taker. You can’t regret the things you did in the past because you can’t change that. But you can change what you do for the future. There will be times when you want to take action, but you can’t because that might make you feel unsafe. I live for today, and if it’s in a cocoon, let so be it. I’m not the one who thinks if you don’t do certain things, you will regret the rest of your life. Some things aren’t meant to be, and you have to accept that.
A lot of people have bucket lists. Things to do before 30, 40 or 50. But I have a bucket without a list. I don’t like to plan ahead. It doesn’t matter if I don’t achieve something at some age. Certain things you can’t plan. You don’t need to do them until a certain age. I didn’t think I would ever go to a concert when I was a teenager, but now I have been to several. Two more this summer. I didn’t think I would get a driver’s license, either. Life is full of surprises. If you haven’t achieved something at 30, you can do it before 40 etc. So, what if you don’t achieve them at all. Bucket lists aren’t rules you must follow or something will happen to you if you don’t.
One thing that could be on a bucket list, but it won’t, is talking on the phone with strangers. It makes me nervous. I can never call an employer. If someone says I should call one, I get terrified. I had to call once and was so nervous; it took hours to pick up the courage. I hate that feeling and do anything I don’t need to call anyone. Writing an email is easier because the risk of screwing up is minimal. You should not force an introvert to make a phone call. It’s easier to talk to someone you know. It’s calling a stranger where the problem lies. I have blocked unknown numbers on my phone because I don’t want to talk to strangers.
I don’t think I ever get over the dislike for needles. Blood tests make me nervous. That’s one of the reasons why I can’t donate blood. I can’t get a tattoo, either. I wouldn’t want one anyway. Injections are OK because it’s over in moments. Unless you need to get them a lot, as I did once. In 1994 had endoscopic surgery for my knee. I had to wait a few days for it, so they gave me injections in my stomach. I don’t remember why. It was something about not getting blood clots because I had to stay in bed. The injections made me feel sick to my stomach. I didn’t want them at all. Needles cause me anxiety. Even if I use a needle to mend something, I’m always worried I’ll stick myself. Anything sharp makes me nervous.
Face your fear, but I don’t want to face a fear that makes me nervous. I prefer not to do things that make me feel like that. I never want to make speeches or presentations. I don’t like people looking at me. I want to get out of that situation as fast as possible when I’m nervous. I rush things, and it’s ruined. If it’s a presentation where I stand alone, I only get nervous when it’s my turn and not before. Things look easy in my head, but the reality isn’t. Avoiding unpleasant things is easier, and I don’t want to put them on a bucket list.