Originally posted on June 22, 2017, about paper.
A trophy for my efforts
The reasons why I should get a trophy for my efforts.
On June 2, I turned one year older than last year. That means I’m one step closer to death, but hopefully, I won’t die in many years. I went on a cruise to Stockholm alone for the first time ever. Before, I went with my parents and on class trips. Of course, I travelled alone inside the country. This was the first time I was alone abroad. It was only a cruise, but that’s a start. I stayed on the ship for 23 hours. It was kind of lonely since Finns don’t talk to strangers. But I didn’t need to go through the hassle that I went with my dad. He always wanted to sit and drink beer. But at least then, I had company. A good thing about travelling alone is you can go as you please. If I was tired, I would go to bed. I did that without telling another person if I wanted to sit on deck and read a book. On the cruise, there were a lot of families, so there weren’t young party people. It’s calmer to be on board when there aren’t drunk people there. In general, there weren’t many people on the cruise, which was nice. You didn’t need to queue anywhere. It’s been a heatwave in Finland, so sitting on deck with the wind blowing was nice. The best part of a 23-hour cruise is the buffer and tax-free shopping. I only buy sweets/candy because I don’t like alcohol, and I don’t smoke. Unlike some people in Finland.
For some people, unemployment brings them down or being single. It brings me freedom and confidence that things will get better. The only time I get depressed is when I’m forced to do things I don’t want to do. I’m selective, and I’m not ashamed of it. I don’t go for the 2nd best as Madonna sings in Express Yourself. It’s better to be alone than socialise with the wrong people. I have had enough of those when I was younger. Life is too short to have toxic people in your life.
I should get a trophy for tolerating people in the first place. I don’t need to get it from others because I can get it alone. Treat yourself with a trophy of your choice once in a while. I will award myself with sweets/candy that I bought from the cruise ship. I have always had a sweet tooth, no matter how I feel.
Hazy shades of ambivalent
Many people don’t care about my unemployment, but I write about it anyway. It isn’t my fault no one wants to hire me. I got another rejection from a graphic design job. All those studies I had haven’t gotten me anywhere. I’m getting tired of trying to find something to apply to. I must apply for at least one monthly, or they will take my benefits away. I have ambivalent feelings about the whole job thing. I will never get experience when I can’t even get an internship. I’m getting too old for this shit. I feel like a failure when it comes to work. It’s like people think I want to be unemployed. I’m a healthy person, so that isn’t why I haven’t got a job. The only fault I have is my lack of work experience and my atopic skin, so I can’t do specific jobs. Other than that, I should get something. I only get suggestions for jobs I’m not suited for. I want to do something with graphic design and photography. But how can I get experience when I only get rejections?
I’m worried I’m not suitable for becoming an entrepreneur, either. Even if I had gone to a course about it. Getting people to notice you feels like hard work, and all that paperwork sounds overwhelming. I can’t decide what to do. I don’t have the confidence to succeed without having job experience in the field. I can hardly get any likes on my personal social media accounts. What if I don’t find clients, and if I do, how do I do things? It’s been a while since I designed anything. I try to make up fake projects, but I never have time. I have too much free time on my hands and too much sleep. If I had a good reason to wake up earlier, I would. I should get a grip on myself. I have no one who can give me a pep talk anymore. My late mother was good at that. My late dad wasn’t the same since he had other things on his mind. He had a business, so entrepreneurship should be in my blood. He made jewellery, but my field is different. My cousin has a business, and also my late grandfather, who I never met because he died when my mother was a child. A few people in my family tree were entrepreneurs, so it wouldn’t be surprising if I decided to do it, too.
If there is a positive thing about being unemployed, it is that I can do things that interest me. I can go places without having to think about whether I get off work or not. The downside is the financial side, and the other is not having human contact. Life can become one-sided if you don’t do something else for a change. I wish I wasn’t forced to apply for jobs when there is nothing suitable to apply to. There is more to life than wasting your time on writing applications. Especially when you know you won’t even get an interview. I wish I could leave this wheel of job search forever. I can either accept my current fate or do something about it.
“Why are these things never clear” Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
In my world 