abandon – In my world

cracked wall — Made in Canva. Image by Pexels from Pixabay

When you’re young you think you need to make final decisions about your future and stick with it. But in life, you never know. Sometimes you have to abandon a plan and start all over. It’s fine to change your mind. I’ve started a lot of things over again. If it’s about choosing an occupation or even starting a blog. A lot of people made bucket lists and if they don’t achieve them they feel they have failed. Life is not gonna be over. You can achieve them at any age. You don’t need to do everything before you’re 20 or 30. Not even in your life. Some things are impossible to achieve anyway. For example, everyone won’t invent something that still doesn’t exist. Your goals should be little things.

An abandon plan opens a new one and it can be something much better. I have many times abandoned my fanfictions and starting a new one. So I have quite a lot of unfinished stories I’ve posted online. I get new ideas and then I forget the old ones. It’s either boredom of the stories or my interests have changed. It can also be because I feel people aren’t reading them anymore. I don’t know if the new ideas are better though. I post them on AO3 (Archive of our own) and some older stories still get kudos even if I finished them ages ago. I use to post them on my fanfiction blog here on WordPress but it’s a bit difficult because my stories are quite long. I just can’t seem to write short stories. I plan it to be short but then when I get ideas, they keep on coming.

Before I started this blog I had a few but they didn’t pay off. You know what they say (or William Edward Hickson said), if you don’t first succeed, try try and again. So I did and here I am, still. I also have two on Tumblr but the whole place has gone downhill. I can’t find anything to post there. I had to start the main blog all over again so the old stuff I had there is gone. So no more pics of Tom Hiddleston. Not that I reblogged that very often. Now nothing interesting is coming on the Explore. It’s a place where you can find what is trending and recommendations for you. Since all the old things are gone on my blog the rest is gone too. I reblogged quite a lot but now there’s only boring stuff. I don’t bother searching for things to post myself either. Besides, Tumblr has always been a place for weird stuff. It was fun when I started to use it but now I’m quite bored with it. At least they banned pornographic stuff there. I hated it when people with half-naked photos of themselves started to follow my blog. I’m no prude but my blog wasn’t for people like that. The only thing I post there is this blog post but it’s probably going to deaf ears over there.

I wish I could make easy decisions with other things like I do with writing. I shouldn’t be worried about failing but I still do. With writing it doesn’t matter if I fail because it’s just a hobby but if I fail in life decisions things can go worse. Running out of money or end up on the street. That’s quite a radical example but it could happen. I think that’s one of the reasons why I keep thinking about becoming an entrepreneur or not. It’s easy to think about things in your head but the reality is much harder. I go back and forth with my thoughts but I can’t make a decision. As an unemployed, it’s not easy to start something because if you do, you get in trouble with the job centre. And other things could happen which I won’t get into. Some impatient person would probably be fed up with my indecisiveness already. No one should be hurried with deciding things. You should do them in your own time. Plans take time to fulfil. I wish I would have thought like this when I was younger. It would have saved a lot of time and less stress. Even though I don’t regret my past I wish I could have abandoned some things a bit faster than I did. What done is done.

blue pearls It seems that everything I do or do in this life so far hasn’t given me any success. I feel forlorn and cursed. Maybe people find me uninteresting. Especially when it comes to job search. Studying doesn’t seem to help to get a job. I don’t know what I should do so someone could find the connection with me. Nothing has come easy for me. In social media, Tumblr blog, personal life etc. For example, I had to start my Tumblr blog all over again because I wanted to delete my previous one. To make a long story short. It took me at least 5 years before I even got followers there and I need a way to get them back. Should I wait another 5 years? OK, it’s not the end of the world if people don’t follow me. It didn’t take overnight to get followers on this blog either. My point is, it can feel frustrating to work so hard and yet you don’t get much back no matter what it is.

It’s mentally exhausting to have a thought you’re not qualified for anything. I might say I don’t mind if things won’t happen the way I wish. But that’s just a defence mechanism. I don’t want to be famous or anything but I don’t want to be ignored either. Maybe it’s an introvert thing or a Gemini thing but I want things but I’m not confident enough to do anything about it. Sometimes I dislike myself. I’m probably the most indecisive person I know. I really don’t practice what I preach. It’s so easy saying to other people what to do but doing them yourself is difficult. I really hope there is no one like me out there. I could not handle a person like me. I guess my weakness is putting myself down. I know I can do anything but I’m too much of a coward to do anything. When things go wrong, I usually blame myself. But like everyone else, I have a dark side.

I really had some anger issues when I was younger. I had moments when I totally lost it. I could throw things and stomp as loud as I could. All of this happened at home. I never showed that side of me in public. I didn’t hurt other people, just myself. Sometimes I could be so frustrated, I hit myself. I didn’t know why I was so angry. To this day, you don’t want to see me angry. I still got easily irritated but it’s only because the way people behave. I have my pet peeves like anyone. I get over my anger easily though. I learned there are things you can’t do anything about. If I don’t get what I want, I don’t get upset. How other people behave, it’s not my fault. I can’t make people become friends or employers to hire me. As an adult, you can’t have tantrums like some kids have in public. I really hate being angry. I become a really unpleasant person. I swear like a sailor and I might say hurtful things. That’s a side I don’t want other people to see. But people shouldn’t act like idiots either. What goes around, comes around.

Most time I’m a calm person. I have manners and take other into account. When you get to know me, you can see I can be silly too. I just hate being the one who has to take the initiative. In school, I had to start a conversation to get to know people. Never the other way around. I got the idea they didn’t want to be my friend. Even now in adult education. They say you should network with your classmates but they didn’t even ask if they could keep in touch. I guess I wasn’t that interesting to them. Oh well, people come and go. I rather am forlorn than be with the wrong people. The same with relationships. I might be picky but at least I have standards. I always want someone I can’t have anyway. For some having someone in their life is really important but for me, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, there are so many other interesting things to think about then relationships. Freedom is so much more appealing so I stick with that for the time being.