So another education passed. Eleven months went by like a breeze. Like I posted yesterday (Sunday) I passed the graphic design education in Helsinki Design School. The portfolio presentation was awful though. I had written on a paper on what to say and had it with me in front of the class. But then I panicked and it went like this. “Here’s what I’ve done and that’s thank you” I didn’t say anything about the projects so I didn’t get any feedback. Only what kind of graphic design I would want to do and that I should make more projects to my portfolio. The others were much better at their presentations. Even them who felt nervous before. I just don’t know what happened to me. I wanted to get out of the situation as quickly as possible like many times before. I was so nervous and felt uncomfortable because people were looking at me. I was so disappointed by my presentation but the other student’s work was so much better than mine so I felt ashamed for mine. It felt I had no skills whatsoever. Some of the students hadn’t done any graphic design before school. Since I didn’t get any decent feedback I don’t know what my strength is in design. I don’t know what they are and I guess no one else knows either. Maybe my style is boring and amateurish. What was the most disappointing thing in Helsinki Design School was not finding my style. I don’t know if I have potential or should I quit with design altogether. I will regret my portfolio presentation forever.
Maybe finding a style doesn’t happen in 11 months for everyone. I develope slowly in everything and might get old before I find anything. Or even worse, never. My goals for this education didn’t actually come true. I learned new things but if I can use that knowledge in a job is a different matter. There were times when I felt really excited to be in this school but now not so much. I knew I wouldn’t become friends with anyone and also that I wouldn’t get connections. Honestly, I think the whole school flatter themselves too much. Don’t get me wrong. The school is good to learn new things and the atmosphere in the class is good. But it doesn’t get you discovered by employers. One of my classmates did get an internship through a teacher who taught there but she was the lucky one. I didn’t get a job after I studied photography in the same school and I’m sure I won’t get one this time either. You won’t find any magic beans there. It only makes you feel abandoned.
This experience shouldn’t discourage me but it does. Why should I even need a certain style? I like to do different things or I would be bored. I know what my style isn’t. That’s the easy part. The problem with the assignment was we only got feedback and after that nothing else. If you work with a client, you get several comments and that way you can make your design better. But with a teacher, you don’t get that. In the end, it doesn’t matter what feedback you got during an education because that’s only one opinion. It’s really about what kind of work you want to do. I know one day what my style will be and it will change many times. I work with what I’ve got. You never really graduate in this life because there’s always something new to learn. Knowing that Helsinki Design School was just one journey that now has come to an end. What will happened next is a mystery.
Back online on the computer. You get a lot of things undone when you don’t have internet connection on your computer. When you get it back it’s a balm for the wounds. There are so many things you need to do online so you can’t really do much when it doesn’t work. Like paying bills or sending important documents and that kind of stuff. Internet is not only for fun, you know. When you can’t get online, spam gathers in your email inbox as well.
Another balm to your wounds is watching movies and especially when there’s a lot of extra footage. That’s what The Hobbit DVD’s has. I’ve already seen them but watching them again it feels like I haven’t really seen them. I know I have but it still feels like a new thing. Actually, there is only one I haven’t seen and that was about Thranduil. The reason is Lee Pace. That man is so gorgeous and especially that smile of his. Um, I was saying. Watching those behind the scenes footages I taught me a lot about movie making. I have some experience of that from school but that was nothing compared to the movie-making business. Movies, in general, is a great balm for the wounds. One of the reasons why I buy DVD’s and Blu-rays are for the extra footage in them. You don’t get that from Netflix or any other place like that. Unless someone had downloaded them on Youtube.
Probably the strongest balm to your wounds is music. It has helped me get through happy and tough times. When my mother died, listening to music was the cure. Especially Duran Duran. Without them, grieving would have been much harder. I can even concentrate better when there’s music is in the background. If there would be silent I would be listening to the smallest sounds and nothing would get done. Everyone should have a balm that makes them feel better. If reading a book is your thing, you should do that. Any balm to your soul and inner peace is good. As long as it’s healthy so smoking and drinking is not an option.
I should really concentrate working on my portfolio for school but sometimes writing comes first.
I always seem to chase the wrong dream. If it’s about career choices or men I find attractive. The latter it’s always someone I know I can’t have. They usually live in another country or they’re, well famous. But I feel no remorse by chasing the wrong dream. Crushes come and go. The same with career choices. Many times I thought “this is what I want to do” But then something comes up and I don’t even bother trying. It has happened with writing for a living and formula one photography. It seems to happen with web and graphic design too. I just don’t what I want anymore. Maybe my destiny is to be unemployed for the rest of my life. Of course, I don’t want it to stay that way. I want to show the finger to that destiny. It’s not easy when you can’t even find a job. If I get an interview I fail at it. And that’s a big if.
I get excited about things but they usually short-lived. I wish I could stay excited much longer. I could have been something by now if I wouldn’t be so indecisive. I’m also too reserved and not a risktaker. I’m always thinking about what could go wrong. I also don’t believe in myself enough. Before I started to study graphic design in Helsinki Design School, I thought I was good at it. But now after the feedback I’ve got, I don’t know if I have any potential to get better. It’s the same with photography and web design. I don’t want to do things I won’t get better at. Then again who would stop me from doing things I like. You can’t please everyone. I learned English by practising and got better at it so why not with the design too.
I don’t dream big, I have them in small portions. I’ve dreamed of doing different things and that has come true. I don’t remorse anything that I’ve studied. I always found something useful in them. It’s good that you’re versatile or things would be boring. The current dream I chase is getting through this graphic design education with a good feeling. Getting the portfolio finished and getting through the presentation in front of the class with good results. That’s probably the biggest dream I have chased so far.