Falling in love is hard on the mind

heart on sand
Made in Canva

I’ve never actually been in love with a person and I don’t believe in love at first sight. Except for that one time but it wasn’t falling in love. It was more about liking someone at first sight. But falling in love is hard on the mind despite that. You can fall in love with other things. I, for example, fell in love with music at a young age. It started with music for children. I also learned to play different instruments in school. Like acoustic guitar and drums. I also own a few instruments. I could almost form a band. I have a fipple flute, electronic keyboard, triangle instrument and a harmonica. The last two I can play by ear but no songs that really exists. I’ve learned some easy music notes and some songs I learned by heart. But those aren’t any hits or anything. Only short songs that are easy to learn. I can play some Christmas songs like ‘Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ I used to perform at home on Christmas Eve when I was a child. A few times with my electronic keyboard and a few times on my flute. I wouldn’t perform on stage or any of that. I would probably be too nervous and forget how to play songs.

I’ve fallen in love with movies. I saw my first movie when I was 3 years old. I always stay in the end because I’ve bought a ticket and I don’t want it to go to waste. It’s not everyday I can go and see movies. The tickets cost too much these days. I really admire actors and actresses. It’s amazing how brave they are and they can play different characters. I could never do that job. Especially love scenes or nude scenes. I wouldn’t even take up roles like that. I prefer being a moviegoer. Some movies franchises I haven’t cared about but later I’ve fallen in love with them. One of them is Star Wars. I’m actually as old as the first movie. I didn’t care about them before but now I love them. Like any franchise, they come to an end. ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ is the last one and then it’s all over. But the movies live forever. People have their opinions about them but I’m not that fussy. It’s entertainment and that’s what movies is all about. Some people just take these franchises too seriously.

Then there are movies you fall in love instantly and you keep watching them over and over again. Lord of the rings is one of them. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen those. Extended versions and the commentary ones. That’s how dedicated I am. The same with The Hobbit. I don’t know what some people complain about them. Love them and I don’t care what others think. We all have different tastes and it’s a waste of energy to have a disagreement about. There are movies I don’t like that seems to be popular. Like “The fight club” I don’t like it at all. If someone does it’s alright. Who am I to judge other people’s tastes. Falling in love is hard on the mind when you hear negative comments on your favourite things but you just have to agree to disagree.

Going back to falling in love with a person. You can’t really fall in love with a person you don’t really know. I’ve never known anyone that long that I could fall in love with. I’ve felt like I was in love but it’s just the feeling. It’s hard liking someone so much who doesn’t even know you exist. There are people who I could fall in love with if I really knew them. Maybe my fantasy about them is unrealistic. They seem to be someone you could imagine to be with but maybe they wouldn’t feel the same about me. Or perhaps they’re nothing like they appear to be. It’s just cover to the public and in their personal life, they’re totally different. People have met them and they were really nice. But that’s just a fan meeting and they’re not interested in their fans romantically and the feeling is mutual. In the end, it doesn’t matter because you live in another country and you probably never meet anyway. That’s why falling in love is hard on the mind when it’s with a person you don’t know in real life. It saddens you so you try to think about something else. You can only hope that feeling goes away because it usually does. It can take years but it will go away one day. You need to concentrate on your own life and what’s close to you. Besides, being in love for real isn’t easy either but how would I know. I’ve never been in love with a person. I can love people but I’m not in love with them. There is a difference.

Repost: Introduction to introversion

Don’t try to mend a person who isn’t even broken. This is an old post because I didn’t get anything new out of my mind today.

In my world

yawning ferret Looks like screaming but it’s yawning

The biggest mystery seems to be introversion. Like it’s something negative. I really need to fret about this a bit more. You won’t get hired because you’re not extroverted enough. It seems that people see you’re introverted as soon as they meet you. That’s what I’ve experienced at least. I hate meeting new people because it’s like it says introverted on my forehead. People notice straight away that I don’t say much and then they’ve already judged me. In job interviews (well that one I got last year) I got the feeling my answers weren’t that satisfying to the interviewer. I was too quiet. Like that’s a bad thing. I don’t know how long answers you need to have. I’m not gonna make things up that aren’t true. I don’t even get that many ideas into my head at one second. I’ll never get…

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I’m the flower who cried

dark red flower
Made in Canva

A flower cried and the flower is me. By crying I don’t mean tears running down my cheeks. It’s more about crying internally for things that are wrong with your life and why not others too. It’s nothing to cry about because life is what you make it. My life is mostly in my head. Things could be better but I still cry about how boring it is. I just don’t have the guts to be anything I really want to be. I try to have something to do to fill my days. Cleaning is not one of them even if I would have time to do it. OK, the secret is out, I’m messy and frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Quoting a certain movie quote, wink. When people say work hard. For me, it’s working hard mentally. It’s not easy being me and I’m the only person who knows that.

I applied for a job yesterday. It’s nothing in my field though. To make a story short, it contains packaging. I have some experience of that but I don’t think that’s enough. They probably chose someone younger. I didn’t even send a resume. At least I applied to something. The point was, I could have started something long ago. Like in web or graphic design but now I still have to apply for jobs. They say you should apply to any job but isn’t that taking away a job for someone who has studied the subject? The one I applied for wasn’t that hard or how would I know. I imagine things a lot and the reality is something else. My job applications fail because I never know how to write things. It takes a lot of energy out of me when I have to think about it so I don’t do it very often. I’ve never liked difficult things. Like Math or coding. I especially have a problem with telling about myself.

I also cry about how people have no respect for silence. Do people really love their voices so much they have to keep talking? Not quietly but loudly. Maybe they’re hard of hearing. You hear loud talking in your own flat. On the streets and in public transport. You would think at least in your own home you could be without hearing the neighbours loud voices. It doesn’t need to be all the time but even one raised voice is disturbing. It sounds like they’re skinning a cat. I suppose living in a city and in a high-rise you just have to live with it. Sometimes I wish I could live on an island where no one would disturb the peace. At least people should take other people into consideration and not think no one else is there. These loud people are the ones who should move to the country. The easiest would be to have respect for other people and not this self-importance behaviour. Maybe that’s just too much to ask.

There are more important things to think about then other peoples behaviours. One of them is what to do with my life job-wise. I’m a flower that cries but I don’t always want to be like that. I just need to get the life I have in my head out in the open. Then I probably would only cry happy tears, internally.