Tag: about me

My lost grit

Mia3 Comments

grit road and mountainsI can honestly say, I have no grit. I give up as soon as things feel impossible. That’s the reason why I haven’t had a successful life. There have been times I had that grit but most of the time it’s lost. I quit my educations twice because I felt it was too hard. One was the business school but that doesn’t actually count since one of the reasons why I quit was because the atmosphere in class was awful. But the second education was photography. I was only there about 2 months because it wasn’t what I expected. I just gave up too easily. That’s something I regret but I was too influenced by the teacher who was too old-fashioned to even consider there are other ways to photograph. If only digital photography would be a thing at the time.

The time I did have the grit was when I studied graphic design. It was a two-year education. I had some motivation problems and I almost thought of quitting. But I thought to myself to take a grip so I hang on there. I didn’t want to have that 3rd school quitting thing on my record. After that, I’ve decided I wouldn’t quit any school no matter how hard it would become. It really has held this far. For a while, I did lose that grit when I studied web design. There was a difficult moment when we learned coding. But in the end, it was worth going through that stage. I did not give up and now I have a qualification in web design. Now I can officially say what I’ll do if someone asks. I’m a web designer.

I really need that grit back because it looks like I won’t get a job in web design. The other option is freelancing but that takes a lot of courage and grit. There is a change to be part-time and that’s called light entrepreneurship. It’s a good way to practise how to work for yourself. But still, you need to find clients on your own. That is the most difficult part and of course how much your client has to pay for your work. Planning is not really my strongest point and I usually end up empty handed. There’s a lot of pressure to be different from the others. There’s so much at stake and if you have no grit, it will be even harder. I don’t have that business mind and marketing myself is a lot of work. It already feels like I shouldn’t even try because of the workload you need to do. On the other hand, there is more freedom to work for yourself. You work on your own but yet you have that client you work for. The downside is that if you don’t work, you don’t get paid. I don’t want to lose my spare time either. I wish I had that grit like my father have. If grit runs in the family, then it must have skipped a generation.

Life is never easy. If it was, I would have that grit. I would have a lot if life was easy. You play with the cards you’re given. I have some grit in me and that’s getting over my problems. Getting through life is the main thing and not how successful you can become. Enjoying life in small doses is good enough for me and that’s a grit everybody should have.

 

Tallenna

Tallenna

Chained to you

MiaLeave a comment

chainI’m not easily pleased. I expect too much from myself. I feel like I tether myself to my emotions. Things I do and the choices I make, I’m always doing what my heart tells me. I have unrealistic dreams which are the reason why they never come true. I’ve been through thick and thin with what I wanted to do for a living. Since I was a teenager, I wanted to come so many things. It depended on what I felt at the time. I never wanted to have a so-called ‘normal job’ One time I wanted to become a journalist. I even studied it. I wanted to meet celebrities and interview them. But the reality is different from the dreams. During my studies, I realised I can’t both listen and write. I interviewed a teacher and I just couldn’t keep up with what he replied to my questions. In the end, it was the teacher who wrote the final interview. The whole writing process and the stress in a journalist job weren’t for me. My motivation for a job like that was meeting famous people but there’s something more than that. I chose that profession because that’s what my heart told me at the time. Now that job would probably be boring to me. I’m indecisive and I have a hard time concentrating on one subject at a time. I always find negative things about things. I’m chained to my emotions and I’m a loose canon. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t found my place when it comes to careers. I don’t want to get stuck in one place. I get bored easily and I like changes. Maybe I’ve finally found my ‘calling’ in web design but it’s early yet since I haven’t found a job. My emotions are controlling this decision and also finding the courage to take the leap.

I’m chained to you, a life of emotions. I like my life and I don’t have the obligations other people have. I can do and go wherever I please. I could be sad about not having anyone in my life but as the years go by, I don’t really want anyone. Sometimes it feels lonely though. There are times I wish I could have someone I could be with. Someone I can do things with. I like the feeling of the thought someone only having eyes for me. Someone who thinks about you no matter what they do. I wish someone could feel the way I feel. Liking someone who doesn’t even know you exist, is difficult in the long run. When no one has never looked at you that way, it’s easier to fantasise about someone you can’t have.
But when I see people having relationships and it has its problems, I realise how easy I have it. I want an easy life without heartache and having to think about someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s selfish to only think what’s best for yourself but I like my freedom. I can dream about anything and if I want to do something, I don’t have to ask for permission. I can fancy anyone I like without having to make someone jealous. I also have more money to spend. What’s selfish is having kids because that’s what humans are made for. No wonder there are parents who don’t know how to take care of their children. It’s also selfish to have kids only because you want someone to care for you when you’re old. You might just as well get a pet if you feel lonely. Even they need care so if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you shouldn’t get one.

I used to like bands before they got big. I was up with the times when it came to entertainment. But then my likes for sport took over and I didn’t pay attention to anything else. I got slow for discovering new talents or hot movies. I wasn’t interested at all in these science fiction and superhero flicks. Batman was the only one. Star Wars was silly, Marvel was even sillier. Then these TV shows, The X-files, Stargate SG1 and Sherlock were uninteresting to me. I swore I would never watch them. New TV shows were even less interesting. Then came Game of Thrones. I heard about it so when they showed the first episode on Finnish TV, I decided to watch it. After one episode I wasn’t really sure about it so I watched another. You know when you open a Pringles and you take one chip/crisp to taste it. You like it so much so you take another and then another. That’s what happened with GOT. I watched one and another but it didn’t stop there. I just couldn’t get enough of it. In another word, I was chained to it. It’s the same with Star Wars and those others I mentioned. I can’t get enough of them. I still don’t care about Marvel except for Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor. I’m chained to them and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t really want to either. If Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t be in Thor movies I probably wouldn’t watch them though.

I wish I could be this excited about my life as I am about entertainment. I want to be able to make faster decisions about what I want to do in life. I wish I was someone who could be good at one thing and wake up every morning happy to be doing what I do. Now I get stressed about what to do when I wake up. I have too many choices. I know about things here and there but I’m not an expert in anything. Being interesting in a lot of things is not always a good thing. At the same time, having different skills does give life a different meaning. You see things from different perspectives when you’re not focusing on one thing. I wouldn’t be me if I was like everyone else. I like versatility and I would get bored if I hadn’t different choices. Things I’ve been through and people I met, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know what I don’t want to become and that’s a tether that can’t hold me a prisoner.

 

Tallenna

Drop dead dashing

Mia4 Comments

honeyThis might be pathetic for a person at my age. But some people use dating services which I find sad so who are you to judge. This post is not about dating though. That’s an American thing. Finns don’t date, we meet people. We go out to dinner, going to movies and so on but we don’t call it dating. The whole process feels weird to me and boring. I prefer doing something active. Old fashion dating is not my thing. I’m going off subject there. This post is not about dating and all that stuff.

It takes a lot for me to get interested in someone but when I do, I don’t get over it very fast. It’s usually with someone who I’ll never meet. I’ve had more crushes than I can remember. Sometimes it’s difficult to like someone I know I can never have. But then I see or read about relationships and realise it’s better to be alone. I’ve got over my crushes but there’s always someone new. It’s better to live in the dream world than letting them know how you feel about them. It doesn’t matter how dashing they look or what kind of personality they have. If you know you’ll never get a chance, you don’t even try. Why should you bother to do anything about it because it will never happen anyway? I know I will get over my crushes so I don’t make it a problem. They didn’t even live in the same country so there’s no chance in hell.

My longest crush was 13 years. I wouldn’t call it a crush but I don’t call it love either. I liked him a lot and still do but in a different way. Calling him a celebrity is the wrong word. He is drop dead dashing with a great personality. But men like that are always taken and that’s a line you can’t cross. Life is not a soap opera where you can seduce someone else’s partner and they fall for you instead. It’s easier to like someone from afar than going through the heartache in the real world. Especially when you’re never been popular. That’s one of the reasons why I keep crushing men I can’t have. I’ve gone through life by thinking about something else besides relationships. Maybe I’m paying the price now. It might sound sad but some people are meant to be alone and I’m one of them.

My crushes have always been with foreigners. Finnish men have never really been my cup of tea. There’s nothing wrong with them. But most Finnish men can’t act without alcohol and that’s a big turn off. Finnish is not really a romantic language either and it sounds corny when you want to talk about emotions. Unfortunately, most of my crushes have been athletes, pop stars or actors. That’s such a teen thing but that’s not entirely true. I’ve had those through my adulthood. That’s what good about being single, you can crush who you want and whatever age. It does have its disadvantages though. You wish you could meet your crush and tell them how you feel. But that won’t change anything since they probably won’t feel the same about you. If no one has never crushed on me, how can I expect to get any feelings back from a person I’ve never met? I can hardly look at myself.

I wish I could find someone who gives me the same spark as my past and current crushes have. But that won’t happen. I’ve out of their league. None of them would even look my way. Even if I proved them I don’t care about their money and fame, they would still choose that pretty one. Celebrities only want someone they can show at premiers. It’s been seen so many times. Everything they do something, it ends in the papers or online. An ordinary person would feel uncomfortable. I can only hope I get over this current crush soon. If he just wouldn’t be so drop dead dashing and almost perfect. Even if liking someone the way I do, is a great feeling, it has to stop sometime. If only that non-famous who gives me the same feeling would come along one day but I guess that’s gonna be a long wait.