Chained to you

chainI’m not easily pleased. I expect too much from myself. I feel like I tether myself to my emotions. Things I do and the choices I make, I’m always doing what my heart tells me. I have unrealistic dreams which are the reason why they never come true. I’ve been through thick and thin with what I wanted to do for a living. Since I was a teenager, I wanted to come so many things. It depended on what I felt at the time. I never wanted to have a so-called ‘normal job’ One time I wanted to become a journalist. I even studied it. I wanted to meet celebrities and interview them. But the reality is different from the dreams. During my studies, I realised I can’t both listen and write. I interviewed a teacher and I just couldn’t keep up with what he replied to my questions. In the end, it was the teacher who wrote the final interview. The whole writing process and the stress in a journalist job weren’t for me. My motivation for a job like that was meeting famous people but there’s something more than that. I chose that profession because that’s what my heart told me at the time. Now that job would probably be boring to me. I’m indecisive and I have a hard time concentrating on one subject at a time. I always find negative things about things. I’m chained to my emotions and I’m a loose canon. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t found my place when it comes to careers. I don’t want to get stuck in one place. I get bored easily and I like changes. Maybe I’ve finally found my ‘calling’ in web design but it’s early yet since I haven’t found a job. My emotions are controlling this decision and also finding the courage to take the leap.

I’m chained to you, a life of emotions. I like my life and I don’t have the obligations other people have. I can do and go wherever I please. I could be sad about not having anyone in my life but as the years go by, I don’t really want anyone. Sometimes it feels lonely though. There are times I wish I could have someone I could be with. Someone I can do things with. I like the feeling of the thought someone only having eyes for me. Someone who thinks about you no matter what they do. I wish someone could feel the way I feel. Liking someone who doesn’t even know you exist, is difficult in the long run. When no one has never looked at you that way, it’s easier to fantasise about someone you can’t have.
But when I see people having relationships and it has its problems, I realise how easy I have it. I want an easy life without heartache and having to think about someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s selfish to only think what’s best for yourself but I like my freedom. I can dream about anything and if I want to do something, I don’t have to ask for permission. I can fancy anyone I like without having to make someone jealous. I also have more money to spend. What’s selfish is having kids because that’s what humans are made for. No wonder there are parents who don’t know how to take care of their children. It’s also selfish to have kids only because you want someone to care for you when you’re old. You might just as well get a pet if you feel lonely. Even they need care so if you don’t know what you’re doing, then you shouldn’t get one.

I used to like bands before they got big. I was up with the times when it came to entertainment. But then my likes for sport took over and I didn’t pay attention to anything else. I got slow for discovering new talents or hot movies. I wasn’t interested at all in these science fiction and superhero flicks. Batman was the only one. Star Wars was silly, Marvel was even sillier. Then these TV shows, The X-files, Stargate SG1 and Sherlock were uninteresting to me. I swore I would never watch them. New TV shows were even less interesting. Then came Game of Thrones. I heard about it so when they showed the first episode on Finnish TV, I decided to watch it. After one episode I wasn’t really sure about it so I watched another. You know when you open a Pringles and you take one chip/crisp to taste it. You like it so much so you take another and then another. That’s what happened with GOT. I watched one and another but it didn’t stop there. I just couldn’t get enough of it. In another word, I was chained to it. It’s the same with Star Wars and those others I mentioned. I can’t get enough of them. I still don’t care about Marvel except for Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor. I’m chained to them and I can’t get rid of it. I don’t really want to either. If Tom Hiddleston wouldn’t be in Thor movies I probably wouldn’t watch them though.

I wish I could be this excited about my life as I am about entertainment. I want to be able to make faster decisions about what I want to do in life. I wish I was someone who could be good at one thing and wake up every morning happy to be doing what I do. Now I get stressed about what to do when I wake up. I have too many choices. I know about things here and there but I’m not an expert in anything. Being interesting in a lot of things is not always a good thing. At the same time, having different skills does give life a different meaning. You see things from different perspectives when you’re not focusing on one thing. I wouldn’t be me if I was like everyone else. I like versatility and I would get bored if I hadn’t different choices. Things I’ve been through and people I met, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I know what I don’t want to become and that’s a tether that can’t hold me a prisoner.



I know you're there. Why do you linger in the shadows?

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