Things I regret

sun in the horizon
Made in Canva

Things I regret

I regret the day when my mother said no one cares she was sick but I never told her I did
I regret the day when I visited her at the hospice and I left because of the bus schedule
I regret that I didn’t stay overnight at the hospice to be by her side until her last day
But what is done is done and you can’t turn back time

*
I regret I wasn’t active in the summer job search and now it could have been useful
I regret I gave up too easily in 2001 when I studied photography
I regret standing up for myself when some people were mean
But what is done is done and you can’t turn back time

*
I don’t regret starting this blog even if sometimes I don’t get attention
I don’t regret writing fan fiction about real people
I don’t regret living my life the way I want
What is done is done and you can’t turn back time because this one I don’t regret

Things I (probably) never hear or experience

four playing cards on brown table
Made in Canva

I’m probably the least fortuitous person in this world. Well, one of them. There are people who have it worse than me. I have a roof over my head and I can afford to buy things. But sometimes I wish I could have more luck in certain things. Here’s a list of things I (probably) never hear or experience.

Get hired because I’m an awesome and talented person
This is the first one on the list because this is something I’ve never been lucky in. I’m never been in the right place at the right time. You need to have some luck with the job search. Another thing is the skill. Especially in the design business, it’s very important. It’s also about who you know. Even though I’ve studied doesn’t mean I’ll get a job in it. It doesn’t help to have an online portfolio. Profile on LinkedIn and how active I am on social media. I’m no dream for employers when it comes to personality either. I’ll never hear, “I saw your portfolio and we want to hire you” Maybe not with those words but something like that. Job search is a circus where you have to be a clown to get noticed. As an introvert, this is not right. I think that’s one of the reasons why I never get a job. I’m not good at marketing myself. The whole concept of branding yourself is weird. I’ve got too many gaps in my resume so employers probably think I’ve been lazy or have some mental problems. I could have the latter by now but I don’t. Luck just hasn’t been on my side when it comes to this.

Getting best friends forever
I’ve never been good with finding friends. A lot of so-called friends were rotten. One pretended to be my friend but then talked bad things about me to someone else. I never found a best friend that I would still be in contact with. I had a friend in preschool but she moved to another city. I met a lot of people since childhood but I never found someone that ‘clicked’ with me. I’ve learned to be alone and that’s better than having fake friends.

Meeting someone of the opposite sex
This is the same as with the friendship thing. This subject goes to the private thing so I won’t go into detail. I’ll never meet (name should go here) If I did, he wouldn’t like me the way I like him. Because why should he? No one has ever been interested in my like that in real life anyway. I don’t fall easily for anyone either. I always want someone I can’t have. Let’s just leave it at that.

Dreaming and make it real
I’ve read a lot of stories about how someone has followed their dream and made it come true. But I’m not that ambitious. When things don’t work out I give up and do something else. I’m also too indecisive. I get an idea but then change my mind. No wonder I never achieve anything. I’m too much of a coward so I blame it on bad luck. If not that, the lazy person I am. Other success stories should motivate me but the fear is in the way so I just dream. Even the most successful people have fears but I don’t get over them. Saying get over it is like saying to a person who has broken their leg to walk it off. Failure is also a thing that can make a person not to do anything about their dream. I’ve always had a doubt in my mind that I’m the failing one because I’m not fortuitous in a lot of things.

Meeting someone or experience something by chance
Last but not least. I believe only other people meet people by chance. I never found new friends on holidays. Not when I was a child nor as an adult. I don’t travel much but when I do, I never talk to anyone by chance and not the other way around. At least nothing good ever comes out the little chances I get. I’ve seen Finnish celebrities in places I’ve been to and once bumped into one but that’s not the chances I mean. Chances like meeting someone you didn’t accept to meet and it would change your life. If it had I wouldn’t be where I am now. Nowhere special. I never accidentally ended up somewhere by chance. If it’s career choice or something personal. Not everyone will meet someone or experience something by chance. Sometimes you need to work on it yourself. If it’s meant to happen it will. Or it might not. You never know.

So there you have it. Never say never which is the reason I wrote (probably) Life is full of surprises. For example, a year ago I found out I had 2 cousins. I always thought I only had one. We should think more about the things we got. You need to accept that some things you can’t have no matter how much you want it. If you’re fortuitous or not.