Everything but bold

bold woman jumps over mountain
Made in Canva

It feels like I’m already blogged about the same subjects on this blog several times. I’ve noticed posts about job search hasn’t interest people that much. Well, recently at least. It’s OK. It’s mostly blabber anyway. Most of the time I don’t even remember what I posted in the past. But who does? Unless they have a very good memory. Human brains can’t handle that much information. It doesn’t matter really if I wrote things before because new followers have found this blog just recently. No one has that much time to go back in the past anyway. I do have 951 posts after all. Sorry for boring you with details like that.

What I was about to say is, I’m a lot of things but bold I’m not. Unless it’s in writing. In real I’m really not. I never say my opinion to people I don’t know. I just can’t do it because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. When I was a child people thought I’m also quiet at home. But I was definitely not. Just ask my father. At home, I’m a totally different person. There I can say what I think. When you’re in public you need to show some manners. You can always show them rude gestures when they’re not looking. But I wouldn’t say bad things in people’s faces. But if they are rude to me, I won’t hesitate to defend myself. Treat other people the way they treat you. Or walk away if they look threatening.

If I had been bolder in the past I could have been something more but I was too much of a coward. It wasn’t lack of encouragement. My parent was really supportive. Maybe boldness skipped a generation. My mother went to Sweden when she was young. Relatives live there. My dad started his business during Finland’s depression and still works even if he’s retired. Of course, their life was different from mine and they’re a different generation. I’m always been stubborn and did things my way. I even learned to walk when I felt like it and not because my parents expected me to. I could have been more flexible when it came to decisions. Like with summer jobs as a teen. I took part in a summer job lottery once but I didn’t get a job so I didn’t try again. I just wanted to relax in the summer after all the school work I did. The idiom, look before you leap, is almost my motto. Except all I do is look and see all the things that could go wrong. I’m not totally afraid of doing things. I did travel alone the first time when I was 17. Studying in a different city or town is one kind of boldness. Luckily I lived in a dorm so I didn’t need to find an apartment. I did get home at the weekends but still, I did live in another city. I have never travelled abroad alone though. Except if you count school trips but those were hell anyway so they don’t matter.

Starting a blog is bold. There are people who are afraid to start one but for me, it’s been a natural thing. It’s easier to write than talk. You don’t need to follow the crowd. Blogging can also be just a hobby. It shouldn’t only about profit or being like any other blogger out there. Boldness can also come from not being afraid to share a piece of your inner world to others. You don’t need to write about your personal life if you don’t want to. Blogging should be fun and not something you have to do. Maybe I’m a little bit bold after all.

Here comes March and I haven’t accomplished a thing

hello march
From Canva

Here we are, in March and I haven’t accomplished a thing. The only thing I’ve done is school assignments and that interview for the internship. I thought I would have started things in January but I haven’t. I don’t know where my life is going. A stand-still is not an option. Sure it’s still a lot of 2019 left but it feels like I’m missing something. I’m a slow starter but the world seem to be in a hurry. I’m not expecting my life to be excited but it shouldn’t go around in circles either. Other people seem to have this fabulous life with great experiences but I’m like, wonder what time I’m gonna wake up tomorrow. 12 am or 2 pm? Soon I’m too stuck in my ways that I don’t even bother to do anything. It’s not like my life is boring. I do go to places like the movies. Next Thursday I’m gonna see Captain Marvel, for example. I shouldn’t compare my life with others. I just envy people who actually do things to make their dreams come true. I wish I could be braver and less lazy.

There are people who’ve done the impossible. Something someone said to them they couldn’t do. For me, it’s too hard to start anything. I’m not confident enough to do anything drastic. I’m only complaining about how boring my life is when I could actually do something about it. Maybe I should have someone who pushes me out of the door, so to speak. I never do what I plan. The motivation quotes you find on the internet doesn’t help. I agree with them but then I’m just, meh won’t be bothered. Which is totally the wrong attitude. What can you do when you’re afraid of the unknown. It’s difficult to get out of your comfort zone. You know you should get out of it once in a while but something stops you. Maybe it’s the warm and comfortable feeling in your zone. But then again why do you have to leave it? You should do things that make you most comfortable. At least I get out of my flat and that’s an accomplishment itself. I don’t always walk the same street. I go on adventures on my bike in the summer. I can do thing by myself and that’s something some people can’t do. I even travel to Helsinki by myself. So you can’t blame me for staying in my comfort zone. You don’t need to do big things to feel you achieved something.

Even if it is March already, there is still time. You can start a new chapter of your life in January or you can do it in June. It’s more important that you do at least something. Maybe someone wants to be something special in their life. We can’t all have a luxurious life you can brag about on social media. Most of us don’t even want that kind of life. And I don’t mean becoming a celebrity because that’s a totally different world. There is nothing wrong about being ordinary. Do things you like to do and not what people expect you to. I have a goal to achieve and that is getting past the graphic design education I’m on. Not having accomplished a thing this year is not entirely true. I have got through my school assignments with good grades. I’ve also written this blog even if I do other things too. If that isn’t an achievement, I don’t know what it.

A quest for answers

quest in scrabble letters
Make in Canva

My life has always been a quest for answers when it comes to what I want to do for a living. That’s probably one of the reasons why I haven’t find anything else that most people have. When others are getting married and having kids, I’m thinking about what I want to do with my life. Even people much younger than me have a goal. But I’m not jealous. I’m selfish in a way that I live for myself and I don’t have to financially support anyone else. I like the freedom I have and I hope it won’t change. Past experiences have taught me not to get attached to other people. It might sound sad to some people but I don’t see it that way. Besides, I hate trying to impress people. I’m too old for that. If people can’t accept for the person I am, then it’s really their problem. I change for no one.

Having different educations won’t get you a job. A great looking resume is worthless if there is no content. In this case, job experiences. You would think employers would appreciate that you at least did something but no only a real job with real pay is acceptable. I’ve had this thought in my head some days ago, ‘I’m not good enough for working life and too lazy for entrepreneurship’. The last one is probably true because I would have started it already. Some say you should apply for a job outside your own field but why study something for years and apply for something else anyway. I see no point in that. I will rather be without a job than be in a job I don’t like. I’ve been in those internship places and it wasn’t a nice feeling at all. I can’t even do all jobs and you probably have to have experience for them too. It’s so easy to tell another person to find a job or study to an occupation you’re not interested in. Life is too short to be doing things you hate doing. Job search is a business these days and you can’t just walk right in. Besides, some companies are cheapskates (or they don’t have enough money to hire) and they have no idea what the rejected feels like.

I studied a lot so it feels like I’m collecting diplomas. I studied because that was the only way I could feel I was doing something. I also like learning new things. I was confused about what interested me the most because I changed my mind a lot. Nothing felt like me. Once I wanted to be a screenplay writer and the next a journalist. None of them felt right. Even now when I’ve focused on design, it still feels like I’m not for that either. I should really feel more confident because if you don’t believe in yourself, who will? When I studied photography in this same school as I am now, Helsinki Design School, I wanted more than that. So I studied web design. Then I thought, I wanted something more so it became graphic design. I wanted to combine those three because they’re so close together. Even though I haven’t found a job, I don’t think I studied in vain. I studied because I wanted to. I experienced something I wouldn’t have otherwise. In photography, I’ve never been in a photo studio. Except when I was a child and we had a photo taken by a pro. But as a photographer, it was a new experience. You should always find something positive even if the education you have/had hasn’t been what you expected.

A last note about the post I wrote the day before yesterday. I sent the application to the internship position yesterday. This is what I wrote in the, why I’m good for the position.

I’m studying graphic design at the moment and an internship would be a great opportunity for me to learn new things. I have the skills that the position requires and I’m always keen to get better at it. I want to join an international team with the same passion for design as myself. I get along very well with people from different walks of life. I’m trustworthy and I finish tasks I’m given on time.

In the end, it doesn’t really matter if I get it or not. They probably gonna choose someone younger anyway. Since there is no pay, it isn’t really a big deal. But we’ll see. I don’t really even know if it was a job application or a registration. It might take a while before I get a reply from them or if there won’t be any in the first place. If it isn’t meant to be, then it isn’t.