Tag: about me

Sometimes I feel so…. Worthless

Mia4 Comments

ifeelsoMaybe I should make this a habit. Every, let’s say every Friday, I have a theme beginning with ‘Sometimes I feel so….” and then I write about that subject. But then again when I think about it, maybe I run out of ideas. That happens a lot. I’m just not good with keeping up a schedule. I just feel worthless. Which where I now come to.

The worthless part shows its ugly head when I’m suppose to do something important. Even making a phone call makes me feel I’m not up to it. No matter how I try to prepare, it always backfires. Things work in my head but when I should them, I just give up.
Last time I felt worthless were some days ago. I was supposed to go to a few companies and ask for a work practise place. It’s like to get to know a profession and see how they work. Too difficult to explain in English. Anyway, it’s part of the career coaching thing. So I went there and I just couldn’t do it. I lost my nerve like I always do. I don’t know why I make it so difficult. I just can’t walk inside a company just like that. If that’s awful, calling a stranger is no walk in the park either. It’s also an introvert thing. If there’s a technology I could live without, that’s a phone. I could just use email to contact people.

I feel so worthless when I try to write a CV or a job application. I don’t know how to write about things I’m good at. Before you could just write what you’ve studied and so on but now you have to explain why you’re good at something. It difficult to make up the words and especially when it feels like you’re not good at anything. You can’t judge your own skills. I admire those who can. Reading those job ads and trying to understand what the companies really want. ‘What can you offer us?’ it’s one the most difficult questions. ‘Why should we hire you?’ is another. It would be easiest just to say ‘I don’t know’ to both but that’s not helpful if you want a job.

Back to the work practise. I found a couple of interesting companies online. One is about photography and the other is about video advertisement. I emailed them first because that’s the way I can handle things better. It worked before so why not now. I got a reply from the video one almost immediately and the email said I would contact this person. So today I thought of calling. I kept thinking what to say. My problem is I think too much. I’m too worried I’ll be misunderstood or something goes wrong. When I finally picked up the courage, there were no reply. It was quite late so I didn’t try again. On Monday it’s gonna start all over again. I just feel so worthless I can’t make calls to strangers. The reason is not just about introversion, it’s about lack of practise. It seems so easy for some to call to places but I’m such a coward. I really I hope I will get to make that call or I’ll miss my chance. Trying to get another place feels almost impossible.

Luckily feeling worthless is just temporary. Some suffer from it a longer time. Once you get over that feeling, you feel you really are worth it after all.

One on one vs Group talk

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Source: http://marketingland.com

Introverts understand that one on one is prefered better than a big group. Especially if there are extroverts in them who keep talking. It’s also very noisy if there are more groups than one. This is common in team work.

I don’t get it how some people can talk about anything that comes to mind. I always think before I speak because it’s a waste of time talking about nothing special. The best conversations are one on one, with a person you know something about. Even better if it’s with a person who likes the same thing as you. With total strangers it just feels weird. If you don’t have anything in common, it’s more difficult to have a decent conversation.

What I dislike the most is when I’m the one who has to start a conversation. That’s unnatural for an introvert. It’s different when I talk to someone I know. If it’s not, I just want to get out of there or do something else. This what has happened during the career coaching. Group work with a bunch of people who doesn’t even talk to you at other times. Particularly if it’s pair work. I hate that. I’m not able to come up with anything if the other person doesn’t start the talking. All there is this silent awkwardness.

If it’s group work, it should be at least 4 people in it. Then there’s always someone saying something. They shouldn’t be best friends either because then they could have inside jokes or just leave you out of the discussion. There is one positive side of group work though. You hear other thoughts and not just from one person. One person know one thing and other knows another.

The truth is, the best conversation is not in a group or one on one, it’s the conversation you have in your own mind. Who knows you better than yourself. You can think what you like without having to hurt someone’s feelings. If someone heard those conversations, they would probably understand where you’re coming from. Or they may not. Some conversations shouldn’t be said in public. People are not as open-minded as you would think. Sometimes you need conversations by yourself.

A blessing and a curse

Mia8 Comments
toot
Source: http://www.tellwut.com

Describing yourself is the hardest thing. Especially when it comes to job searching. The career coaching I’m attending at the moment, we’re talking about CV’s and how to make one. I for one don’t really know what my strengths are. I can do a lot of things but I don’t know how to put them into words. We Finns are not used to toot our own horn. We don’t want to brag about ourselves and our skills. We think we sound too self-absorbed if we do. It’s also because of jealousy of other people. Succesful people are usually seen as arrogant because they’re confident and proud of their work. That’s something some Finns can’t stand.

It’s a blessing and a curse to be as versatile as I am. I’m sure some of you out there who are multitaskers know what I mean. I’m not best at anything but good in lot of things. That’s a blessing.
The curse is, I don’t know what I want to do more. That’s what makes job searching so difficult for me. I don’t know what I really want. There’s a lot but I can’t describe it what it is. So when I showed my CV to the coach and she said I should write what kind of photographer I am (that’s the main thing for me) and what are my 5 most important skills in that area. That’s makes me go hmm, I don’t know. I don’t even know what those are. I can’t rate myself like that. No one has really told me. It’s much easier to know what you do on your free time and what you like then. But you can’t make a living of it.

What I do know is that I’m good at listening. That’s a rare gift. People can talk about anything and they think I don’t hear. But I actually do. I observe. I can concentrate on my own things but I still hear what people talk about. I don’t eavesdrop on every word but I still hear. When my mother told me to do something (chores and such) and I was doing something else, she thought I couldn’t hear her but I did. It could get a little annoying to be disturbed if I were in a middle of a story I were writing. Just because I do my own, doesn’t mean I become hard of hearing.

It’s so much easier to know what you can’t do. You try to be positive but the negative thoughts come creeping in anyway. I could give a long list about things I can’t do the top of my head. You just have to find something positive out of the negative and you’ll be out of the water. And when you do, you should not be afraid to toot your own horn because you deserve it.