October is here already. The only thing that I’m looking forward to is winter. But that will probably be snowless and grey. I always seem to be a disappointment in most things I do. Maybe not in other people’s eyes but my own. It feels like it comes vapor out of my head because things upset me. When others are having something to do. I just keep living in my head. I should do this and that but I never get around doing it. That’s why I’m stuck in a rut and I’m too afraid to do anything about it. It really brings me down. Life shouldn’t be this hard. It isn’t depression. Everyone feels down sometimes and that’s what I feel right now. It has nothing to do with the weather or anything. I find happiness from time to time. I don’t get anything done which is the problem. I have too many distractions.
People I know personally and not so personally all have some purpose in their life. My dad and my cousin have their own business. Both of them wanted to do something and they did it. I don’t have the same courage. Sometimes I wonder if they’re really are my relatives. Even my mother was braver than me. I’m just lazy and a coward. I can be happy for other people and I don’t feel envious. I’m mostly a disappointment to myself and there is no way out. I work hard, in my mind but when it comes to actual work, not so much. It doesn’t help much when I go on LinkedIn or other job search sites. All I get, ‘do you know this person?’ on LinkedIn. No, I don’t. I don’t why it has to suggest anyone. It’s weird to add people you don’t even know. They only appear because someone else probably knows them. My biggest problem is not finding a job, it’s about not finding anything to apply to.
I always think I should to this or that but then up doing nothing or something else. When I studied web design I thought about entrepreneurship but that didn’t go anywhere. Now it’s been about 3 years since I graduated and I haven’t done much since then. Not even with my website. Then when I studied graphic design I thought about starting something during it or after that. Nothing happened either. Now when I’ve seen works from current students in Helsinki Design School, my work is not as good. So now it’s October and I haven’t accomplished a thing career-wise. I can’t even call it a career. Maybe I don’t want it enough or I would have done something by now. Last year I went to an entrepreneurship course and I made a business plan. It feels like all of those educations they have gone to waste because all I do it complain about how difficult things are. No one said it’s easy because if it was everyone could do it. But I’m not confident about my skills. I’m in between forgetting design altogether or hanging on. It seems there are neither graphic designers or web designers everywhere so there is no need for my kind. Maybe I concentrate on that too much. Either way, my middle name is disappointment but I know I shouldn’t stress so much about it.
I didn’t even get an interview so that was a waste of time. I could have started something but now I’m a bit down. I guess when I apply to an education where you need to explain why you want to be in the education I don’t get a chance. Not always but most of the time. I don’t know why it took so long for them to decide. I applied in June and I don’t even get to the interview. That really makes a person feel unwanted. I could have done something else besides waiting. Deep inside I knew I wouldn’t get in. It was a far-fetched anyway. I could get that knowledge elsewhere. I’ve already tried to study digital marketing on Google but I didn’t pass the test. In the education I applied to was an internship involved which is probably the only reason I applied. Now I don’t get that either.
I don’t why I bother doing anything. My plans all fail anyway. It’s really difficult to keep the motivation going when you feel you’re not succeeding. Never give up they say but how can you be positive when life kicks you in the exhaust. Over and over again. You get an error not once but several times. You feel everyone else does things much better than you. You don’t get over that feeling no matter how people try to put positive thoughts in your head. Many times you see how people have succeeded even if they’ve failed. But I don’t think I feel that lucky. I’m probably had so many drawbacks I’m too afraid to start anything. Maybe if I was in my 20’s I could have better chances but you can’t go back in time. I don’t mean it’s too late but now it’s much harder. Some things just make it too impossible. Some people look at other people on social media and feel depressed about how they look. I look at people’s skills and I feel depressed how bad my skills are. Maybe not bad but I’m insecure about them. I don’t think I get any better no matter how much I practice.
Looking on the bright side. My life is not an error. In some things, I feel secure. Like in writing. I’m good at that and I feel confident in it. I don’t get paid for it but still, it gives me satisfaction. If I did get paid for it, it probably would feel forced. Having it as a hobby, I don’t get stressed and I can write about things I want to read. If I didn’t have anything my life would be much more boring. A person needs to have at least one hobby to escape reality for a while. After that, it’s much easier to cope with life.
Nothing new under the sun. It’s been a while since I graduated from the graphic design course in Helsinki Design School but nothing has happened after that. Why would it? There is never any luck. Nothing ever happenstance to me. Only crap. Many probably already have gained something from the education. I’m always in the same place, year after year. During the education it felt like I wasn’t that good in graphic design and nothing will come out of it. Seeing other student’s work, I felt even worse. The portfolio presentation was awful. I don’t know if I even have any potential since I got no real feedback. My presentations are never any good and I hate situations like that. I’m nervous no matter how I’ve prepared. Standing in front of the others makes me forget everything and no notes help. Maybe if there would only be one of two, then I could get something out of it. I’ll never get any work this way.
All the job listings require at least 2 years of work experience. And a professional degree. If I did get a job interview, I still wouldn’t get it because I’m bad at it. No job search courses have helped either. No matter what others say, there is no use. No LinkedIn and that kind of places work either. People say it does but I don’t agree. It just doesn’t work for everyone. Especially in Finland. Being an introvert doesn’t help the matter. I hate it when you need to brand yourself and you need to have great communication skills. Then when my mother tongue is Swedish, it shows in my Finnish writing. But so what? How should I write then? Should I hire a writer whose mother tongue is Finnish? Then it’s not me who’s writing. The most important thing is being understood, right?
If I want a job I should become an entrepreneur but that also requires work. It also takes time to get started. I don’t have time all my life. I want results right away and not in 10 years. I don’t really know what I want any longer because nothing seems to work. It pisses me off because I never have any luck. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and I wouldn’t need to do anything. Money doesn’t grow on trees but at least I could just be. I can do what I like. Sleep late. But the laziness strikes. I want to do something and not shy away from work like certain people do. When you read about entrepreneurship, there is a lot of negativity. You’re not allowed to do anything. “Don’t have your own business” “Go work for someone else” What if you don’t belong anywhere? You just don’t feel at home among other people. Is being unemployed much better than being an entrepreneur? I think not. Unemployment cost. At least mentally. You have to be social in the workplace and so on. Finding a job is sucks because it requires so much. Personally, I’m bored with it all. You just have to believe in yourself because no one else will. Let the employers hire young and beautiful people they don’t need to pay so much to. I have educations but no one wants to hire me because I don’t have enough experience in my own field. I don’t even get any free work. Thanks to a certain company. I won’t mention any names since they can come and get me. Maybe not but still. At least I got an interview. I was probably too old for their organisation. I applied twice to another company. That was a paid job. I won’t apply to that again. I got the hint. If I only could get the courage to start something on my own.
Certain people have no idea how the job search works these days. No one gets a job just like that. Not everyone is able to do just any job. Like cleaning. You should get experience in your own field and not take a job away from someone else. If you don’t know anything about today, you should keep quiet. “You can find a job if you’re really trying” Well then apply for that job then, self-centred bastard. Everyone doesn’t have friends in high places. Those who do probably don’t even need to write job applications. They want a job and they get it. In real life, it’s not that easy. A good looking resume doesn’t guarantee you anything. It’s what’s in it that counts and if you don’t have it, you don’t even get an interview. You get the round file or file 13. You’re not welcome to their little club. They don’t like you. Just like school. If you’re not the king or queen of the class, you’re nothing. You’re the nerd no one wants to become friends with. Why should you need to please those idiots? Let them have their little club. I don’t want to waste my time with people like that. I’ll rather be alone. At least I can have a decent conversation and nobody demands anything from me.