A flower cried and the flower is me. By crying I don’t mean tears running down my cheeks. It’s more about crying internally for things that are wrong with your life and why not others too. It’s nothing to cry about because life is what you make it. My life is mostly in my head. Things could be better but I still cry about how boring it is. I just don’t have the guts to be anything I really want to be. I try to have something to do to fill my days. Cleaning is not one of them even if I would have time to do it. OK, the secret is out, I’m messy and frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Quoting a certain movie quote, wink. When people say work hard. For me, it’s working hard mentally. It’s not easy being me and I’m the only person who knows that.
I applied for a job yesterday. It’s nothing in my field though. To make a story short, it contains packaging. I have some experience of that but I don’t think that’s enough. They probably chose someone younger. I didn’t even send a resume. At least I applied to something. The point was, I could have started something long ago. Like in web or graphic design but now I still have to apply for jobs. They say you should apply to any job but isn’t that taking away a job for someone who has studied the subject? The one I applied for wasn’t that hard or how would I know. I imagine things a lot and the reality is something else. My job applications fail because I never know how to write things. It takes a lot of energy out of me when I have to think about it so I don’t do it very often. I’ve never liked difficult things. Like Math or coding. I especially have a problem with telling about myself.
I also cry about how people have no respect for silence. Do people really love their voices so much they have to keep talking? Not quietly but loudly. Maybe they’re hard of hearing. You hear loud talking in your own flat. On the streets and in public transport. You would think at least in your own home you could be without hearing the neighbours loud voices. It doesn’t need to be all the time but even one raised voice is disturbing. It sounds like they’re skinning a cat. I suppose living in a city and in a high-rise you just have to live with it. Sometimes I wish I could live on an island where no one would disturb the peace. At least people should take other people into consideration and not think no one else is there. These loud people are the ones who should move to the country. The easiest would be to have respect for other people and not this self-importance behaviour. Maybe that’s just too much to ask.
There are more important things to think about then other peoples behaviours. One of them is what to do with my life job-wise. I’m a flower that cries but I don’t always want to be like that. I just need to get the life I have in my head out in the open. Then I probably would only cry happy tears, internally.
Life is like sport, you win some and you lose some. Last Friday I went to an ice hockey game but my team lost 2-4. The game didn’t look that winsome anyway. But today there’s another game at home so maybe this time we win. To do it you need to lose. That’s like life, you don’t always succeed. My life hasn’t been anything special to mention. I don’t look winsome and my self-esteem could be better. I’ve learned to find joy in small things. I hear what others have done at a certain age. Someone went aboard at 19 but I was looking for something else. It’s actually all a blur what happened in my life at the 1990s. It wasn’t worth remembering either. It was such a long time too. I remember what I studied but no special memories from that time. The past is the past and it’s nothing to dwell about it.
Unlike in sport where the coach can be fired from their posts if the team doesn’t win. In life, you can’t fire yourself. You just have to live with the burden. You just need to find a solution to your own problems. Maybe someone can give you support and all that but it’s you who makes the final decision. Unless someone is trying to control your life. Like parents who tell you what you should be and so on. If you have a choice to decide your own things then you should stick to it no matter what others think about it. If everyone was pessimistic nothing would be done. There is always nonbelievers but that shouldn’t stop you from living your own life. It might not be winsome for everyone but a life nonetheless.
I’m a night owl. I don’t wake up at dawn unless it’s really necessary. It’s unnatural to wake up at dawn if you’re not going anywhere. Sometimes I go to bed at dawn if I’ve been writing fan fiction. Last time I woke up at dawn was when I went to Helsinki to study graphic design. Then I had to wake up at 4.30 am or so to catch the bus. The school started at 9 am. There are advantages to get up that early. Not many people are around. There is a special feeling when you walk outside in the silence. Watching the sunrise in the distance from the car or train window. I like getting up early in the morning. It’s just that getting to bed early that is the problem. I never seem to want to get to bed early.
When I was younger we went to Lapland by car. We woke up at 3 am and ate breakfast. It took 12 to 14 hours to drive there so we had to leave early. Everyone was asleep and the streets were empty. We drove through cities and then on dark roads where there were no street lights. Every time I hear the song ‘You belong to the city‘ by Glenn Frey I think about those trips. It has the same feel to it. The best part was when the sun got up. That’s something I will never experience again. My dad doesn’t want to drive long trips like that anymore. It was exhausting for him because he was the only one with a licence in our family. We went by train a few times but it wasn’t the same at all.
I see no point of waking up at dawn if you’re not doing anything special the next day. If I wake up that early I feel sleepy all day. In the evening I got so much to do I don’t feel like sleeping. I think best in the evening. I have always been someone who gets to bed late at night. Sometimes I wish I could get up earlier than I do. Things look different in the morning light. But the problem is I don’t want to get early to bed. Some people get up early no matter how the day would be. I could never do that. I love sleeping but not enough so I could go to bed early. My mother used to say to me if you go to bed early you wake up early and then you have time to do things. It’s true but like I already wrote, I don’t like going to bed early. Waking up at dawn is unnatural to me. But I can wake up early if I really have to but it has to be a really good reason.