I’m a night owl. I don’t wake up at dawn unless it’s really necessary. It’s unnatural to wake up at dawn if you’re not going anywhere. Sometimes I go to bed at dawn if I’ve been writing fan fiction. Last time I woke up at dawn was when I went to Helsinki to study graphic design. Then I had to wake up at 4.30 am or so to catch the bus. The school started at 9 am. There are advantages to get up that early. Not many people are around. There is a special feeling when you walk outside in the silence. Watching the sunrise in the distance from the car or train window. I like getting up early in the morning. It’s just that getting to bed early that is the problem. I never seem to want to get to bed early.
When I was younger we went to Lapland by car. We woke up at 3 am and ate breakfast. It took 12 to 14 hours to drive there so we had to leave early. Everyone was asleep and the streets were empty. We drove through cities and then on dark roads where there were no street lights. Every time I hear the song ‘You belong to the city‘ by Glenn Frey I think about those trips. It has the same feel to it. The best part was when the sun got up. That’s something I will never experience again. My dad doesn’t want to drive long trips like that anymore. It was exhausting for him because he was the only one with a licence in our family. We went by train a few times but it wasn’t the same at all.
I see no point of waking up at dawn if you’re not doing anything special the next day. If I wake up that early I feel sleepy all day. In the evening I got so much to do I don’t feel like sleeping. I think best in the evening. I have always been someone who gets to bed late at night. Sometimes I wish I could get up earlier than I do. Things look different in the morning light. But the problem is I don’t want to get early to bed. Some people get up early no matter how the day would be. I could never do that. I love sleeping but not enough so I could go to bed early. My mother used to say to me if you go to bed early you wake up early and then you have time to do things. It’s true but like I already wrote, I don’t like going to bed early. Waking up at dawn is unnatural to me. But I can wake up early if I really have to but it has to be a really good reason.
October is here already. The only thing that I’m looking forward to is winter. But that will probably be snowless and grey. I always seem to be a disappointment in most things I do. Maybe not in other people’s eyes but my own. It feels like it comes vapor out of my head because things upset me. When others are having something to do. I just keep living in my head. I should do this and that but I never get around doing it. That’s why I’m stuck in a rut and I’m too afraid to do anything about it. It really brings me down. Life shouldn’t be this hard. It isn’t depression. Everyone feels down sometimes and that’s what I feel right now. It has nothing to do with the weather or anything. I find happiness from time to time. I don’t get anything done which is the problem. I have too many distractions.
People I know personally and not so personally all have some purpose in their life. My dad and my cousin have their own business. Both of them wanted to do something and they did it. I don’t have the same courage. Sometimes I wonder if they’re really are my relatives. Even my mother was braver than me. I’m just lazy and a coward. I can be happy for other people and I don’t feel envious. I’m mostly a disappointment to myself and there is no way out. I work hard, in my mind but when it comes to actual work, not so much. It doesn’t help much when I go on LinkedIn or other job search sites. All I get, ‘do you know this person?’ on LinkedIn. No, I don’t. I don’t why it has to suggest anyone. It’s weird to add people you don’t even know. They only appear because someone else probably knows them. My biggest problem is not finding a job, it’s about not finding anything to apply to.
I always think I should to this or that but then up doing nothing or something else. When I studied web design I thought about entrepreneurship but that didn’t go anywhere. Now it’s been about 3 years since I graduated and I haven’t done much since then. Not even with my website. Then when I studied graphic design I thought about starting something during it or after that. Nothing happened either. Now when I’ve seen works from current students in Helsinki Design School, my work is not as good. So now it’s October and I haven’t accomplished a thing career-wise. I can’t even call it a career. Maybe I don’t want it enough or I would have done something by now. Last year I went to an entrepreneurship course and I made a business plan. It feels like all of those educations they have gone to waste because all I do it complain about how difficult things are. No one said it’s easy because if it was everyone could do it. But I’m not confident about my skills. I’m in between forgetting design altogether or hanging on. It seems there are neither graphic designers or web designers everywhere so there is no need for my kind. Maybe I concentrate on that too much. Either way, my middle name is disappointment but I know I shouldn’t stress so much about it.
I didn’t even get an interview so that was a waste of time. I could have started something but now I’m a bit down. I guess when I apply to an education where you need to explain why you want to be in the education I don’t get a chance. Not always but most of the time. I don’t know why it took so long for them to decide. I applied in June and I don’t even get to the interview. That really makes a person feel unwanted. I could have done something else besides waiting. Deep inside I knew I wouldn’t get in. It was a far-fetched anyway. I could get that knowledge elsewhere. I’ve already tried to study digital marketing on Google but I didn’t pass the test. In the education I applied to was an internship involved which is probably the only reason I applied. Now I don’t get that either.
I don’t why I bother doing anything. My plans all fail anyway. It’s really difficult to keep the motivation going when you feel you’re not succeeding. Never give up they say but how can you be positive when life kicks you in the exhaust. Over and over again. You get an error not once but several times. You feel everyone else does things much better than you. You don’t get over that feeling no matter how people try to put positive thoughts in your head. Many times you see how people have succeeded even if they’ve failed. But I don’t think I feel that lucky. I’m probably had so many drawbacks I’m too afraid to start anything. Maybe if I was in my 20’s I could have better chances but you can’t go back in time. I don’t mean it’s too late but now it’s much harder. Some things just make it too impossible. Some people look at other people on social media and feel depressed about how they look. I look at people’s skills and I feel depressed how bad my skills are. Maybe not bad but I’m insecure about them. I don’t think I get any better no matter how much I practice.
Looking on the bright side. My life is not an error. In some things, I feel secure. Like in writing. I’m good at that and I feel confident in it. I don’t get paid for it but still, it gives me satisfaction. If I did get paid for it, it probably would feel forced. Having it as a hobby, I don’t get stressed and I can write about things I want to read. If I didn’t have anything my life would be much more boring. A person needs to have at least one hobby to escape reality for a while. After that, it’s much easier to cope with life.