Ten years of nothing

blurry and dark nothing
Made in Canva

I don’t memorise years so I don’t know what happened when. All I know is that in 10 years I haven’t accomplished nothing to brag about. When others have had career moves, families and other things they’re proud of, I’ve just hung on. But I’ve learned to enjoy the small things because big things only disappoint. If I went to a school reunion I would feel like a failure because I haven’t done anything. I wouldn’t even go. Some people think they need to do something special so they can call them living life. I have never needed to go to some other place to find myself. Whatever finding yourself means. Anyway, the point with this post is going down the memory lane. I got this idea from a post on Instagram.

2010
I studied graphic design in a 2-year education. This was the 2nd year. That’s all of that year.

2011
I graduated from the graphic design education. This was the last year we went to Lapland to ski. I didn’t know it would be the last.

2012
My mother was diagnosed with cancer which was a big chocker. She got treatment and went through operations. There were still hope she would win the decease. The year was a lot of that so I don’t remember anything else. Oh, besides I got an internship in a local newspaper for two weeks as a photographer. Even if my mother was sick she was still concerned about me finding a job.

2013
This year was the most difficult time for me and my family. Mother told us her cancer couldn’t be cured. The doctor had done everything but nothing helped. Soon she got worse and maybe two weeks (or a week) at the hospice she was gone. That Christmas was the worse.

2014
This year I started this blog. I did write occasionally in 2013 but 2014 was the year I really started it. I also studied photography at Helsinki Design School.

2015
I finished photography education. I realised I didn’t want to do photography like a pro after all so it was time to think about something else once again.

2016
I found a web design education that lasted a year. I applied and got in. I wrote a blog about my education which is called ‘My Web Design Haven’. I don’t write it anymore but here it is. The education included on-the-job learning where you should find clients by yourself. Luckily I found at least one. That was hard because coding is not my favourite thing but luckily the client was very understanding. I got good feedback from the client as well.

2017
There was another on the job learning and this time we had to have at least 3 clients. I found them but only two of them was serious.  This was the time I really started to think about entrepreneurship. I really liked the thought of not having to go anywhere and I could choose my own time. To pass the education we had to have a presentation of our client work in front of 3 valuators. It was really nerve-wracking. In the end, I passed and graduated. I only had one job interview but that’s something I don’t want to remember. I went to my first ever live concert that summer and that was Robbie Williams. I wasn’t sure I would go but I’m glad I did.

2018
At the beginning of that year, I got accepted to a course about entrepreneurship. It was mostly done online but we had some meetings too. The hardest part was writing a business plan. After that course, I decided to apply to Helsinki Design School again. This time in graphic design. I applied to it twice and the 2nd time I got in. My plan was to add graphic design to my services if I would become an entrepreneur.

2019

I was on a plane for the first time in my life. I and dad went to the Canarian Islands. I got through the graphic design education. This is where I began to rethink about entrepreneurship and I’m still doubting. I applied for a job in something else but the interview was just that and nothing else. I hate it when I have to assume I didn’t get the job. Again they didn’t give me an answer. But I didn’t want the job anyway.

2020
Then there’s this year. I’m getting a new laptop because my old one has Windows 7 and they won’t update that anymore. I’m changing brands as well. It’s a Mac which I’ve used before so it’s nothing new. Then there’s the concert by Elton John at the end of summer. That’s all I know so far.

So there you have it. Ten years of nothing is not entirely true. I did do things so it’s not all boring. Both happy and sad things but nothing to brag about on social media and such. Where I will be ten years later is a question I don’t want to reply to. I don’t even know what I’m doing at the weekend. No one really knows what will happen in 10 years. It’s only wishful thinking.

Advent calendar Box 15

advent calendar 15

Today it’s been 4 years since my mother passed away. Grieving is a personal thing. You can imagine how someone feels when a loved one has lost their lives but you can’t know exactly how that person feels. What you do have in common is the sadness you feel. Being sad isn’t fun. It feels like it will never go away. Like everything else, nothing lasts forever. It might feel impossible at first but then it gets better as time passes.

The worst thing about it all is when the person that is very important to you gets diagnosed with a disease that can’t be cured. Or that person gets into an accident and doesn’t make it. Is the people who used to be in your life, suddenly stops keeping in touch. I’ve heard a lot of stories about that and I’ve been there myself. Maybe some people don’t want to bother you or maybe they’re afraid they say something wrong. It’s also because they don’t know how to handle if their friend gets ill or their friends family members.
All you really need to do is to be there. For the sick friend and the family. Someone who is sick or lost their loved ones need someone who cares. Real friends don’t leave when things are tough. The same goes for relatives.

When my sister died in 1983, most relatives stopped having any contact with us. The only one that did was my grandmothers. Even my sister’s friends didn’t keep in touch. I doubt they even remembered her after her death. But those are things that just happen. I don’t think I would have any contact with them today anyway. People have their own lives. It’s different for a person who’s gone through a sickness or death. They have lived in that world and only they know how it really is.

I remember the day when my mother told me her cancer couldn’t be cured. After all the treatments and some hope for the better, nothing could be done. I’m not very religious but I did pray when she got sick and hoped she would win the fight. When nothing of that helps, you begin to think there is no point in praying. But it does make you feel better. I guess that’s the point.
You never think your parents get sick and when they do, part of you dies. It’s usually someone else’s parents and not your own. I was devasted when she told me she would die. Seeing her fade away slowly broke my heart. This strong person who was always there for you was now getting weaker. In a way, she was lucky she didn’t have to suffer for long. It was only about a week when she was gone. It was so close to Christmas and believe me that Christmas was the worse ever. I still feel sad when I think about it.

Cancer is a disease that anyone can get. It doesn’t matter if that person is good or bad. Some cancers can be prevented. Like lung cancer. I can’t understand how some people want cancer voluntarily by smoking. Passive smoking is even worse. It’s not a fun disease. It’s painful and uncomfortable. Some people think they won’t get it but nothing is certain. If cancer doesn’t kill smokers, some other disease will. I rather live a healthy life. These smokers are everywhere spreading cancer to innocent people. I feel sorry for the kids who parents smoke in front of them. I’ve seen those and it’s disgusting. It’s telling them they rather get or give cancer than stop the habit. Cancer of any kind is something I wouldn’t want anyone to have. It’s hard to the person and it’s hard for family members.

So now when 4 years have passed since my mother left this earth, things have been better. I still miss the conversations we had in Swedish and the advice she gave me. I don’t have anyone to do that with anymore. No long walks or bike trips. There will never be anyone like her and no one can replace her. People might come and go but it will never have the same comfortable surroundings. It’s strange that things only come to mind when a person is gone. You start to appreciate things you used to have. They felt like nagging and pampering at the time but in the end, it was only a worry that a parent usually has. My mother still worried about my future when she was sick. She was worried how I will get by. So far I’ve managed. I haven’t fallen apart yet and I don’t think I will. Her death made me a stronger and confident in myself. I’ve had the courage to move on and try new things. I’m still uncertain about some things but I’m not that scared little girl who still needed her mother. It took some time and maybe it wouldn’t have happened if she was still around. I still miss her though and wish she was here when I feel down. I look at photos where she appears and I smile. I’m glad she was my mother and I wouldn’t change a thing.

My memory of David Bowie

Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/BAThUfpMw-o/
Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/BAThUfpMw-o/

Our Star Man has left the earth. But when you have to go you have to go. As someone who has lost a loved one to cancer, I know how it feels to hear someone getting a death sentence without even doing any crime. Cancer is a personal thing. I can understand why Bowie kept it a secret to the public. It must be devastating to his closest family. Especially Iman, his wife. Not forgetting his children. Even if they’re adults the sorrow won’t be different. First knowing the decease is around and secondly knowing there’s nothing more to do when it’s taking over one’s life.

The difference with his death is that he was a public figure, a loveable person and artist. His death is sad even for those that weren’t fans. Some take it harder than others. Even more for those who met him personally.
For me it was a surprise. I’ve heard about his health issues before but never guessed it would be this serious. It was kind of shock but in a way expected. I wasn’t a fan but still he was one of my favorites artists. I like so many so you can’t be a fan of everyone. The first video I saw was ‘Let’s dance’ on cable in the 80’s. Another was “China girl” I’ve mostly heard his hits but not so much else. Not gorgetting those duets with Mick Jagger or Pet shop boy. It’s never too late to start listening.

While writing this I’m listening his music. I was supposed to listen to his last ever album ‘Blackstar’ when it came out but I only managed to hear it yesterday. Even if he was ill, he still manage to make a great album. But that’s Bowie for you. Really cared for his fans. Everything he did was awesome. I haven’t watched movies he was in except ‘The Prestige’ but in that he was great. Without him the music business wouldn’t be the same. We wouldn’t have a band like ‘Duran Duran’ for example. They recorded some of Bowie’s music like ‘Fame’ and ‘Boys keep swinging’ He was an inspiration to many more.

He made a deep impact on a lot of people. He was one of the great legends. Not just musically but also in other crafts. His legacy will never die. He is and always be our ‘Heroes’